Borderline Personality Disorder advice

[Girlclubclosed]

I am in no way qualified to make any kind of diagnosis, I'm very aware of that. However I have a family member who struggles a lot in ways that really chime with BPD. In recent years they say they have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder. They absolutely have anxiety but as a (close) observer of many decades it feels like there is more to it than that.

I wouldn't dream of suggesting it to them, part of the issue is how they would react to something like that, which they would almost certainly see as a criticism, however well intentioned.

The issue is that they are suffering, in repeated patterns of behaviour which include anger and nastiness towards people close to them. It's exhausting to be around and, I strongly suspect, exhausting to live like that. Friends have dwindled because of the behaviour and I'm finding I am the focus of the behaviour more and more. I have always been the main conduit for their emotional swings and anger because of familial proximity but the more people that have 'left the party' the more, and more frequently I am in this position.

I have a family of my own to think of, plus as much as I love and want to support them, as each year passes I become aware that life is finite and I want to enjoy mine. My entire weekend is overshadowed by their behaviour, I'm tired, distracted, and looking for answers on the Internet, yet again. I just want to move on but at this point I understand they will most likely never resolve their issues on their own, that nobody else can initiate wanting to change behaviour, it has to come from them, and that my constant worry about it doesn't help them and certainly makes my own life harder.

What can I do in this situation? Do I leave them to continue these destructive patterns and remove myself from their life to save my own sanity or do I try and find a way of encouraging them to look for answers and if so, how on earth do you approach that with some you suspect has BPD?

Thanks in advance to anyone who can offer advice or insight.

There are people in our extended family/friends with BPD (referred to as EUPD in their case)

Honestly, we’ve all had to go NC with them. In a way the diagnoses made it worse. Was used as justification for the behaviour.

It’s a very hard diagnosis, from what I understand.

Thanks for the reply. NC probably is the route but, because of how close I've been to it all for so long, I think I have a misplaced sense of responsibility for their wellbeing. It's also hard to do without involving other family members who haven't seen/down want to see the extent of the behaviour.

I understand what you mean about getting a diagnosis, they were screaming about having anxiety last night, as if that excused their terrible behaviour. There's never any owning of behaviour or real apology, no reflection or insight, and always the victim, everyone else is to blame. It's impossible to have a rational conversation or play devil's advocate. I asked what they needed from me during the last strange outburst and it was to say someone they were unhappy with was a bitch. I don't think they are so said we could have different opinions based on different experiences and that's ok but they absolutely lost it with me. I can't keep doing it, it is just endless, there's no growth and so no hope it will ever be different.

I suppose I wondered if anyone had different treatment once diagnosed that then improved things for them. But you'd have to get as far as diagnosis to get to that point which doesn't sound easy.