Fires everywhere I look

[ThisPithyRobin]

My family and I are in what feels like an impossible situation.
we moved to the uk last year from the USA (I’m British, my husband is American and our kids are dual nationals) to get away from scary politics, leave a workplace that was massively toxic, and spend time closer to my large family here as we were thousands of miles from any family or even good friends where we lived in the US. We moved in with my parents temporarily, but we’re still here nearly 2 years on and desperate to leave. Trouble is, we can’t afford anything here in London. My parents live in my childhood home in an area that was once pretty ordinary and now is inhabited by baby boomers in huge empty houses they’ve owned since the 1970s (like my parents) or movie stars and bankers. I’m one of four and my parents are adamant that they don’t want to downsize, so there’s no possibility of financial help there. My younger daughter loves the primary school she goes to, my older girl just started secondary and is really struggling. She has adhd and is probably also autistic, the social transition which went well at primary has just not happened for her and she’s miserable. My husband and I have both struggled to find work- we left fairly high flying careers in the entertainment industry in the US but now know the UK economy has taken a beating and I’ve been away so long (14 years) that my network has moved on. I’ve worked a handful of short term jobs for less than half the rate I would have expected, in roles that I am vastly overqualified for. It’s exhausting and demoralising and I’m wondering if it was a huge mistake to move back. The cherry on the cake is that my father is elderly, infirm and very needy and my mother, who was always a handful, is going kind of bonkers with the stress of looking after him… so living here feels like being unpaid live in help for them. Don’t get me wrong, we’re only even able to be here because they’re generously housing us - although we do pay our way (bills not rent) but we have to listen to constant arguing and complaining while we do everything we can to help them both and face constant questions about work and criticism about most aspects of our life. It’s endless, it’s ugly, and it’s got to the point that my husbands mental health, and all of our stress levels, are in the toilet. Without salaries we can’t get a mortgage. We have sizeable savings but not enough for London. I’m relieved to be away from the guns and insane political situation in the US, and so happy to be around my friends and family members (at least the ones I don’t live with right now!) for support. My Husband has said he wants to just cash buy a place somewhere rural and pretty as nature is his medicine, and since older girl hates her school maybe a new one would be ok. I am terrified that if we do that it will be another big upheaval, mean new schools and trying to start over again for our kids, and we will have no network at all. We also still need to find jobs and who knows what that is like outside of big cities… remote jobs maybe? Alternatively, we could try to buy a small flat somewhere not too far out so that the girls could stay in their school even with a commute. But that would mean less space, probably in a more down at heel area, and husband would probably be miserable in the suburban concrete jungle… ugh. He is dealing with a life long drink problem, which he’s doing well with but it’s a struggle, and is depressed, isn’t really looking for work as a result of being depressed (he is on meds) and is feeling totally stuck and without a lifeline besides me. And I’m already maxed out dealing with my parents and our older adhd daughter and supposedly trying to find a job. Which is laughable as I’ve now been outside of regular employment since Covid (schools in our state were closed for 1.5 years so I was made redundant and haven’t found regular work since) so my confidence is at an all time low. It just feels like there’s obstacles and hardship every direction I look, and no easy solution. I’m 48 and wondering if I should retrain, not that I even know what job I’d train for… I feel defeated, at a loss, it just feels like I’ve totally screwed up my whole family’s life. How do we even begin to solve this?

You need to move. London is hard place to survive in and it sounds like all of you would thrive in a more rural location. Houses are much cheaper and our public transport system is perfectly good for commuting.

Your daughter would also probably benefit from being a a quieter environment too.

We moved from London to devon and have never had one regret.

Hi OP,

Please take a deep breath! That sounds like a lot to even begin unpacking here.

I kind of disagree with moving again until you know where your base is going to be. You don’t want to keep disrupting the DC’s. I would be concerned about just buying somewhere and not knowing if you’ll find work in that area.

You mention the entertainment area:- have you been looking outside of London? Due to ‘levelling up’ but also cheaper costs many film studios etc are outside of London now. They are currently building one in Ashford I believe. Places like Bristol & manchester do quite well for that type of industry.

In terms of retraining it’s difficult without knowing more about what you do. Some people move on to teaching the next generation at specialist places like BIMM.

Are there recruiters you could speak to?

It doesn’t sound like your DH is being super helpful in all of this… if he’s not trying to find a job things won’t improve. I understand it’s relentless and depressing but from your post it seems a bit all on you.

With your older daughter - have you spoken to the school yet? She might need a bit extra support for the transition

🩷

Thank you for your reply. I agree that moving away from the few points of structure we have before finding work is risky. My husband and I are at a deadlock with him insisting we need to move as the top priority and me feeling we need to find work first.

I have done a bit of post grad teaching and have been in touch with the institutions recommended by the last place I taught, to ask about more work like this, it just seems like budgets are tight and nobody has confirmed that they have anything for me. I think university education is in a bad way with courses closing. Similar issue with my entertainment work, in that lots of companies have gone under and what I was doing (creative direction and management I guess is the easiest way to explain it) is now being done by AI. I have contacted a bunch of agencies after talking with a contact in advertising, and didn’t get a single reply. There’s a career coach I was in touch with but it’s £2500 to hire her and that feels more than is sensible to spend. Or maybe it isn’t?? As far as retraining goes, I’m quite interested in psychology / therapy, and have thought about law and even starting my own business…. the big challenge for me is how to work out what path to pick, especially when it feels like I have to get it right this time and make sure that if I do retrain im not throwing away what little time and money I have for something uncertain.

My daughter’s school are sympathetic, it’s just hard as all their suggestions require her to join clubs and make more of an effort to participate, and she’s just incredibly stubborn and insisting she prefers to be alone (which I don’t think is the case deep down inside). She keeps telling me how much she misses our house and life in the US, and I feel guilty for moving us all. Life there was definitely easier in many respects even though I found it scary and isolating. If I’m honest I think my husband’s drinking problem was a big part of that isolation, and the push to move closer to my support network. What a mess.

Do you have money to cash buy somewhere rural as your DH wants to or is that a fantasy?

London is incredibly expensive to get by in and does tend to need 2 decent incomes - even then buying somewhere is difficult without a massive deposit. If neither of you are working reliably then that's not an option.

But London has a lot of jobs that will be harder to find from somewhere remote.

Does your DH have support for his addiction and mental health issues? That would be priority 1 for me - then he can start looking for work too. Priority 2 is support for the older daughter. She may not find it easier in a different place or school. If there is space for you at your parents place and younger DC is settled in school, I think I would be trying to stabilise everything where you are and not making big decisions.

Another move might just be same shit different place.

well your husband needs to step up and get regular work. You can't take on everyone's issues and be expected to be the main earner as well. You will collapse in time.
Can you afford to buy outright? If so i would do that but make sure you can get employment. Personally I would take anything if it covers the bils and rebuild from there.

I would move out of London, and recommend that both of you at least get some money coming in. Care homes are always looking for staff, and I’m always seeing adverts for delivery drivers and teaching assistants.

its always easier to get a job when you have a job, no matter what that job is.

Get your DD involved with local clubs Girl Guides or Scouts would be a good place to start, as they cater for all interests and abilities.

Thanks for your reply. I’m not sure that I would thrive being away from my friends and family. I did it for 14 years in suburban America and it felt like a slow death… albeit a comfortable one. We were always just the four of us every evening and weekend, as the people we knew in the US didn’t seem to socialise. I found it desperately lonely. DH would love to be somewhere totally remote, I’d hate it. Our kids need sane, stable parents and a positive social network. Which is possible outside London of course- just without any ties to a particular place it’s so hard knowing where we’d go or how it would be. Did you move for jobs or did you know people where you moved to? Wondering how you overcame the issue of being an outsider.

Was your DH working in the US? Can he work remotely for a US employer? Working cultures are very different and in middle age you both will be too expensive and simultaneously not have experience which is valued or understood which is very hard on you.
Take politics out of it all, where can you build a real quality of life? You have a 2 culture family and your DD and DH seem unhappy in the UK, you'll never find a right solution, so what works best?

so you can’t afford to stay in London. Go to the suburbs!! You don’t have to go super rural. Just go a 60-90 min commute outside London.
You either stick it with your parents or you both get secure jobs (even lower paid than your us salaries, you need to be realistic) and build your uk life from scratch

What is your budget for buying outright? Perhaps we can suggest places that are close and easy to get to London. You can get (admittedly small) houses in zone 4/5 SE London for £450-£500k. Short walk or bus to a train that will get you to London Bridge or Charing X in 16-25 minutes.

Would echo a previous poster re; try to encourage your daughter to join things outside of school if that’s currently a difficult environment. What do your daughters think about changing school again if you move further out?

I wouldn’t go rural as it’ll be isolating with fewer transport links and opportunities. Look for any jobs to tide you over and bring in an income.

Last resort move back to a different place in the US - one with a good expat community?

In order to socialise you need to make friends.
Smaller towns and villages usually have loads of clubs and societies for adults and/or children and that’s where friend making happens.
Join the Ramblers, the WI, Rotary, the bellringers, bowls, pétanque, the history society, whatever, and encourage your children to do the same.
And take the initiative - invite the parents of your DD’s friends over for dinner or out for a picnic or day out.

Sorry you are finding things so difficult at the moment. I do wonder whether the actual life-stage you are in at the moment is also massively contributing to stress, rather than just the issue about which country / what employment. By this I mean it sounds like you are in the ‘sandwich generation’ - we are also in this situation at the moment, with elderly / infirm parents and children that need a lot of support. It might be worth thinking about how this situation might look if you did move away… might you end up having to travel (every week?) to try and support your parents? We are in this situation; I am away for 24 hours every week supporting elderly dm, while my dh spends one day a weekend helping his parents. We also have ND children that need quite close and involved support. It is incredibly tough.

This life stage won’t last forever, but it is worth factoring in how you will cope with it in the next 5-10 years, and whether that will influence your decision about where you live.

Also, if it was me, I would look at fully exploring a few scenarios, including what the budget for housing would be, and how much that would cost in terms of rent / mortgage, and what incomes you would need to achieve to sustain that. There is likely to be compromise, but it is worth going through the process so you can compare what the different compromises would look like.

And finally (!) in terms of if you did think to stay at your parents’ in the longer term, could you think about how to make it work better? eg would there be enough space to use a spare bedroom as a sitting room / tv room for you / dh and kids, so you can have a bit more separation. Or actually agreeing exactly what things you will do, in terms of support for elderly parents, so that there is no simmering resentment about differences in expectations from one side to the other?

Yes, DH needs to sort his mental health. He did get a counsellor through the GP to help w his drinking but it was only for 6 weeks. He takes Prozac and has for years. I think he really needs some sort of big guns intervention / rehab which includes therapy type thing. I’ve tried to suggest this but he’s just not hearing it. I think he’s in denial about the extent of his issues and thinks I’m just blaming him for our problems… 🤪

In terms of his drinking, has he had any support from his local drug/alcohol support team? They’re normally self referral and are the first port of call for any detox/rehab admission-but will also provide other services such as support groups and medical support. If you don’t mind me asking, how much is he currently drinking? It might be that getting a handle on his drinking is the first step in sorting everything else out.

That sounds tough OP. Some thoughts of the top of my head:-

As already suggested, you can move outside of London or even still just within it without having to go to a completely rural area. I’m just about in London (Zone 5/6) right on the border of Essex. It is extremely quiet, lots of countryside on our doorstep but I’m also just 30mins from central London. Could a compromised like that work? Your DH would find the peace and quiet but you would still have the buzz of London nearby.

On LinkedIn you can look up roles that are specifically Remote (I’m sure you know this but just thought I’d cover all bases!) so could try looking within your industry or industry adjacent for something that doesn’t require you to live centrally in London. In terms of AI replacing your role, I work in the tech industry and see this happening in real time. However there are a lot of creative AI tools that still require human oversight so one route is to retrain in that area, learning how to use the tools. Many courses are free. There is also a need for Project & Change Management expertise to help companies manage the deployment of AI. You don’t need strong tech skills but if you have PM skills (eg get certification in Project Management) this is an area to look into. Totally understand that is not everyone’s cup of tea.

If your daughter has just started secondary school then this might be the ‘best’ time to move her as she is only in year 7/8. From year 9 onwards with GCSE options and then the exam’s themselves it gets a bit trickier.