I'm feeling exceptionally low right now, so I'm going to keep to the main points to enable me to actually finish and post this thread. My situation:
Normal childhood with siblings
Father died suddenly when I was 16
Groomed at 16 by 35 year old - awful time, my mum didn't stop it
Mother 'switched off' from me emotionally before leaving me in the family home and taking my little brother with her when I was 18
I thought I was fine, coped with it all until my children became teens and I became peri-meno (I'm 48). I get exceptionally upset at conflict. My two teenagers stomped off over something this morning, and I've been in tears all day. I feel as though I'm made of lead - my limbs are so heavy and I'm barely able to move.
I cannot cope with the idea that I've upset them or that I've let them down in some way (this is general, the issue this morning was minor). It hasn't affected my parenting outwardly - I'm sensible and really mindful about how I parent - I wouldn't dream of letting them see me upset like this.
I'm suddenly thinking obsessively about how my mum just left me. She's recently apologised. Apparently she thought I'd be fine. My DD is the same age as when my mum just left me. I feel as though I'm suddenly drowning in the pain that I didn't realise was there all these years.
Thank you for any thoughts. I'm a mess right now, but I'll try to reply when I'm calmer.