How to manage an estranged mother

[Sunshine8537]

I was go into too much detail but I haven’t spoken to seen my mother for over 3 years due to her being overbearing; not taking any responsibility and her manipulation. The relationship hasn’t been great for years previous but when I had my daughter enough was enough.
my mum (other has her own issues and childhood ACES) has never taken accountability for her actions towards me or any one for that matter. She doesn’t understand boundaries and when someone tries to put them in place she makes out they are sensitive and they’re the problem. She’s sold my belongings on me and has lied multiple times - I just don’t trust her.

anyway I made a decision to cut contact. At first I had arranged for her to go through my partner to see my daughter but she said ‘I’ll let you get on with your lives’. Fast forward 7 weeks and she turned up at my daughter’s nursery asking to see her - luckily I had already informed them of the situation. i texted her to stay away. Over the past 3 years she has been sending gifts on special ocassions which leaves me riddled with anxiety because it triggers my childhood past traumas. I have received counselling over it and admitted to the counsellor that the only time I will feel free is when she dies. She turned up at my door one time to drop a gift off and again I had to text her. I was starting to see a pattern of her trying to make contact with me so I started ignoring her. Then couple of months ago she sent me a letter apologising but it was very much about her being the victim. I have told her time and time again how she made me feel. The thought of her seeing my baby feels me with dread because her normal isn’t my normal and I know she would undermine me so I don’t want that relationship at all.
after she sent the letter I sent her a big message thanking her for the letter and saying I forgive her but I don’t want a relationship. I wanted to be respectful but to the point. For a couple of months we didn’t hear anything from her; she’d stopped contacting my partner and everything was great.

i am now pregnant again and it was coming up to my daughters birthday and I feel the anxiety coming back again. Lo and behold - big parcel of gifts and a letter saying it’s not about me it’s about her and my daughter building a relationship. I texted her again but my message wasn’t as respectful and I feel I’m on the verge of losing it with her. She shares pictures of my daughter on her social media - I don’t know her friends and to be honest I’m not 100% they’re all safe people - I asked her to stop. She ignored me and put a big post up naming my daughter (full name) with a picture. I’m on the edge and I don’t know what to do.

Ive tried contacting social media to get posts removed but they’re saying it doesn’t apply to their standards or something.

just to add my mother has poor mental health and goes through phrases of being on ‘downers’ where she’ll eat eat eat and smoke weed. I’ve had to deal with this from a young age. I was emotionally, verbally and physically (threatened) abused. I was exposed to adult subjects and content from a you g age and I am trying to protect myself and my family.

I’m sorry your GP thinks that having a cosy chat with your mother in front of a mediator is the answer. The GP obviously has no experience of a toxic and narcissistic parent.

I would suggest that you speak to the police on the non-emergency number and seek advice. This call will be an audit trail and it will create a log number. Use the log number every time your mother makes unwanted contact and this will establish a course of conduct for harassment.

The police need evidence of harassment I believe before they will talk to her. If they do speak to her - beware of retaliation. People like your mother do not disappear easily. One step at at time - try to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and take the control back from your mother. Get your partner on board for a united front. Block her on all channels and tell the police you have done this. Good luck.

You aren’t actually NC with her are you? You respond to her over and over again.

She knocks at the door, you don’t answer. She leaves presents, you don’t respond, they go to charity. She leaves letters or cards, they go in the bin unopened.

You are repeatedly leaving the door open for her to continue to abuse you.

Go properly NC. Don’t look at her Instagram or anything. Don’t discuss her with anyone.

I know it’s easier said than done but I think the key is not caring at all what she thinks. She can send them, she can think what she likes, but she’s not getting a reaction.

I didn’t respond for over 2 years. She knocked at my door and I didn’t answer; my partner did thinking it was a delivery. That was the first time I texted her to say ‘stay away’. Then it was another 18months before I texted after the first letter

Then you need to move. And don't give her the new address. New phone number and new job (if she knows where you work) would be a good idea too.

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread? You'd fit right in with a mother like that!

If you do happen to bump into her by accident and can't take avoiding action, then blank her if possible or if not, "that won't be happening" is my favourite phrase for politely but firmly letting cheeky fuckers know they won't be getting their own way over whatever it is. Whether it's her calling you, you giving out your address, her sending DC a gift or you having a conversation with her...that won't be happening, bye. If you keep bumping into her start recording it, times dates places etc, because she's stalking you. And move further away again.

hiya I am NC with my mother, will be 6 years next week. I sent her a message explaining why I would not be having a relationship with her going forward and then ignored her after that. I get that you will feel all churned up when it’s birthdays and whatnot, it does get easier in time. The best thing to do if you are 100% this is what’s right for you is to stick to your guns and don’t get drawn back in. Let her send gifts etc etc just give them to someone else or chuck them or whatever. I remember my mother putting something on Facebook saying ‘apparently we are not needed anymore’ as if I’d only had a relationship with her so she could look after my kids after school once a week.honestly man! Again, ignored it. I’m sure you wish things were different but unfortunately it is what it is. Sending you Love x

Thank you for your story.
i will be doing this moving forward. I think everything is heightened because I am pregnant. Usually I’d just get on with it.

Op most people don't get this as they've not experienced this
Don't let her gave anything to do with your mum
Your mum is an abuser
Tell her to stay away from you forever oneclast time and that if she doesn't you will go to the police for a mon molestation order
And follow through if needed
There are laws to protect you, please use them
Good luck op

Hi op your situation is similar to mine. It took having a child to make me realise i needed her and her controlling ways out of my life

I cut off her off 8 years ago, it took me calling the police to stop her turning up at my door, messaging, emailing.

I didnt feel fully secure until i had changed my number, changed jobs (unrelated) and moved (played a small part in being happy to move but not the main reason we did) as i was no longer looking round every corner incase i saw her. I also locked down my social medic blocked her and anyone who knew her and set up a different account in a different name and blocked anyone straight away

I feel for you its a hard situation, but you will feel so much better when she is no longer in your life and able to contact you

In my experience it is much easier to “quiet quit” the relationship as it were, as confronting and explicitly cutting ties can cause them to energise and push more to have the relationship. All gifts can go to a charity shop without being opened. The person can be blocked or put on mute and never responded to and the practical steps like telling the nursery.
Telling someone with mental health issues who does not understand boundaries to “fuck off” and simply expecting that to solve everything may be oversimplifying the situation. It sounds very difficult for you