How to manage an estranged mother

[Sunshine8537]

I was go into too much detail but I haven’t spoken to seen my mother for over 3 years due to her being overbearing; not taking any responsibility and her manipulation. The relationship hasn’t been great for years previous but when I had my daughter enough was enough.
my mum (other has her own issues and childhood ACES) has never taken accountability for her actions towards me or any one for that matter. She doesn’t understand boundaries and when someone tries to put them in place she makes out they are sensitive and they’re the problem. She’s sold my belongings on me and has lied multiple times - I just don’t trust her.

anyway I made a decision to cut contact. At first I had arranged for her to go through my partner to see my daughter but she said ‘I’ll let you get on with your lives’. Fast forward 7 weeks and she turned up at my daughter’s nursery asking to see her - luckily I had already informed them of the situation. i texted her to stay away. Over the past 3 years she has been sending gifts on special ocassions which leaves me riddled with anxiety because it triggers my childhood past traumas. I have received counselling over it and admitted to the counsellor that the only time I will feel free is when she dies. She turned up at my door one time to drop a gift off and again I had to text her. I was starting to see a pattern of her trying to make contact with me so I started ignoring her. Then couple of months ago she sent me a letter apologising but it was very much about her being the victim. I have told her time and time again how she made me feel. The thought of her seeing my baby feels me with dread because her normal isn’t my normal and I know she would undermine me so I don’t want that relationship at all.
after she sent the letter I sent her a big message thanking her for the letter and saying I forgive her but I don’t want a relationship. I wanted to be respectful but to the point. For a couple of months we didn’t hear anything from her; she’d stopped contacting my partner and everything was great.

i am now pregnant again and it was coming up to my daughters birthday and I feel the anxiety coming back again. Lo and behold - big parcel of gifts and a letter saying it’s not about me it’s about her and my daughter building a relationship. I texted her again but my message wasn’t as respectful and I feel I’m on the verge of losing it with her. She shares pictures of my daughter on her social media - I don’t know her friends and to be honest I’m not 100% they’re all safe people - I asked her to stop. She ignored me and put a big post up naming my daughter (full name) with a picture. I’m on the edge and I don’t know what to do.

Ive tried contacting social media to get posts removed but they’re saying it doesn’t apply to their standards or something.

just to add my mother has poor mental health and goes through phrases of being on ‘downers’ where she’ll eat eat eat and smoke weed. I’ve had to deal with this from a young age. I was emotionally, verbally and physically (threatened) abused. I was exposed to adult subjects and content from a you g age and I am trying to protect myself and my family.

It’s not easy no but you are taking the easy route to avoid feeling bad. Feelings aren’t facts , you need to sit with the horrible tumble dryer stomach you get when you think about her being sad or worry about her and whether you’ve done the right thing.

Done this! 😂
then nothing happens until the next event: birthday Xmas etc

Because dealing with a manipulative narcissist is just that simple.

They're bound to listen to that and start to behave themselves surely...

Op have you looked into stonewalling and grey rock strategies?

Right so channel that anger and go no contact all of you. Turn that anger into action op , we are not being nasty , we are being direct. We can all see what you can’t as you are so close and enmeshed in it. You’ve asked for help we are giving you help as there are no other answers.

Thank you for your compassionate reply.

i think this will be my next step.

Thank you. I am trying my best to keep calm. I don’t want toxic stress in my life especially now. I know what I should do and I’m doing it however she just tries to find another way.

what I’m really frightened of is provoking too much and she turns up at my daughters school and tries to take her or something. This may seem like an irrationally fear but she can be very impulsive and doesn’t think rationally.

I’ve heard of stonewalling but not grey rock. I read a lot around narcissistic mothers for validation really. Like I said earlier I feel like the only way I’d feel free is when she dies but like my counsellor said ‘why should I put my life on hold waiting for that time’ and I agree.

You need to move house and move school.

Your daughter is v young - you won't be affecting her wrt to friends ect. Now is a good time when she's little.

If you and your partner can keep your jobs and travel further to them then great but if not then you'll have to both change jobs too.

I know it's a huge task, total relocation new house new jobs new school - i did it 20 years ago with 3 kids!

Worth it though for total peace of mind 👍

Ridiculous

the mother will just travel

the op and her partner need to be a united, consistent and strong front.

fuck off fuck off fuck off
block

Also - make sure the school (this and future ones) know not to publish photos of your daughter on any social media.

She doesn’t know where she goes to school because she wasn’t around then but that’s not to say she couldn’t find out…not sure how but I’m sure there would be ways.

It's not ridiculous. If a person is prepared to turn up where they are unwanted as the ops mother is then any amount of fuck offs is water off a ducks back.

If op wants her out of her life she has to be some where new that the mother doesn't know about.

Its about NOT having to spend your life telling someone to fuck off every few weeks. Knowing they can't knock on your door because they don't know where it is!

ok that's a good thing.

just move house then 👍

I know but don’t get bogged down in the what might happen , deal with facts. You can’t control what she does only what you do - I know you know that but it warrants repeating. Nursery will have loads of experience of dealing with bonkers relatives.

Yes that's true about schools.

It happens a lot. We don't release certain children to certain of their relatives. We literally lock the door if the person tries to collect the child and that's that. Police if necessary.

If she doesn't know where your DD goes to school the so much the better. Tell the school explicitly that she's not to have contact and then your mind is at rest about that at least.

But she’d just travel to wherever they go

It is incomprehensible to me.

To sell a home the Op may love
to move jobs both her and her partner to get far enough away
To move her daughter from her school

all to avoid an unpleasant woman who insists on buying gifts.

Block her
Get your partner to say that she needs to fuck off. Repeatedly.

if she knocks at the door, look blankly at her, tell her to fuck off. Close door.

Just thought I’d enlighten you all with what GP has just said to me…
long story short I’ve been signed off work due to emotional stress and high risk pregnancy. I work in a mentally and physically demanding role. The anxiety of her hasn’t helped but hormones are causing more distress as expected…

anyway doctor asked if there’s anything else that’s stressing me out so I mentioned her and told her couple of details about previous abuse and harassment. She goes on to say have you ever tried mediation with her and another professional. Wtf! Needless to say I am complaining about her now!

You’re kidding? You are seriously going to complain about your GP for making this suggestion?

words fail me

Why would someone suggest that after being told that someone has been abused and manipulated for 40 years? would you sit down with someone who abused you and listen to them?

The GP had no right in suggesting such thing. She doesn’t know my situation at all. She’s a cover GP. She doesn’t know my history.

This is depressing

you are about to waste a whole heap of people’s time because you gave a very quick overview of the relationship with your mother and the GP suggested mediation.

She signed you off Op. she listened to you. She responded to you. She helped you.

and because you don’t like the suggestion you will cause problems.

on the basis of this being your response, it kind of makes me wonder if the apple falls far from the tree

Because its a completely inappropriate thing to suggest.

As someone who's worked extensively with people experiencing various forms of abuse I find it extremely worrying that a GP would suggest this. Mediation can only happen safely (emotionally and physically) if there's an even power dynamic which there isn't in cases of abuse. It was a deeply inappropriate suggestion on the gps part that could have put op at further risk. The gp SHOULD be pulled on that.

The op must have shared seconds of the relationship, a tiny snap shot.

Surely the op has much bigger fish to fry anyway

Op you aren’t considering the suggestion of moving, changing jobs and schools are you?

op ignore the stupid posters. It’s all eastenders stuff to them „but it’s family“. The gp was unwise to suggest it and yes perhaps not a complaint but some feedback.

Oh wow!
thanks for your reply.

Thank you.
my thoughts exactly and I will be providing some feedback