Definitely then (20 years old). So much choice, potential, and endless opportunities. Lots of friends. For once, I was ahead of all my peers - I had the highly sought after career, was living the high life.
Also, I had my youth, and was in the best physical shape I have ever been in.
That said, I’ve always had a habit of looking at the past through rose tinted glasses. In reality: my confidence was through the floor. I was convinced I was going to be found out as a massive imposter - people would realise I knew fuck all about my work.
My OCD was untreated, and controlled a shameful amount of my life!
I was on antidepressants that weren’t working. I was only just managing to keep my self harm under wraps. I had a diet of booze, fags, and cocaine. I had attached myself to a guy, who I went on to waste 7 years pining over (something that he took great pleasure in taunting me about), before he eventually played his final hand, and dated my so called bestfriend.
As for the present. I am forty. The last few years of my life has pretty much been ravaged by very Premature Menopause (I have always had gyne issues, as had PMDD, Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, and PCOS). It’s made my ADHD, which I had previously muddled through, go absolutely haywire, and I feel about as capable as a confused five year old, currently!
I am not able to work right now due to how bad both my mental and physical health is. That is frustrating, but ‘this too, shall pass.’.
However, there’s a lot to be said about getting in there, and actually tackling these issues. While I still feel Hellish, I do believe I can see a possible end in sight. I’m on two antidepressants, one (Mirtazapine), which has transformed my OCD, and issues with ruminating.
Weirdly, I actually think of suicide slightly less than I did, when I was 20.
The best thing about getting older, for me, is realizing how utterly irrelevant a lot of life is. Things that I was previously so worried about, that I lost sleep over, now, well, I simply just don’t give a damn about now.