my dh is depressed and I am struggling

[megthefake]

my dh has been getting more and more depressed and now I think he is properly depressed

he is depressed about work mainly but he seems to be unable to function at work and comes home late and incredibly low and withdrawn

I am trying so hard to be supportive but I am getting so frustrated - I have a chronic health problem so I do get tired but last night he came home from work at 7pm (we eat at 6) and was barely able to communicate at all, so I had to do tea, get the kids to bed, tidy up and sort washing etc (he never did do a lot around the house, but that was fine because I only work p/t, but recently it has been even less)

and then I had to be supportive to him. And I am angry and frustrated that he is not getting help and he is not doing any of the things I have been told he should do - get more exercise, meditate, drink less (he only usually has a couple of small beers a night, so he is within his safe limit, but it is every night so I do think there is some dependency even though it is not impacting on his physical health)

I have tried to get him to ring the doctor; I have printed off lots of stuff from this website which is a counselling course, but he is just not doing it, and seems to be getting lower, and I am worried

I have had counselling for depression in the past, after I had got to a point where he said to me 'you need help, I can't make you well again'. I respected this very much and he was right, that I had to take my own steps to get well

but now I am saying the same thing to him and he just doesn't seem to be getting the message. He says he wants support from me but I am finding it hard. I love him so much, he is such a good husband and there has never been a problem in 13 years together. I feel so bad for feeling so cross but I just want him to sort this out

sorry this is so long, I am just struggling a bit

Oh poor you. I've been through this too and I know how incredibly hard it is.
You've really got to persuade him to go to the Doctor. It's hard to help yourself when you are depressed. It sounds like you are doing your best for him but you need to make it really clear that he needs to do it if not for himself then for his family.
Good luck.

Is there another family member who can help you speak to him, his parents of a sibling maybe?

no Huw his parents are USELESS

they saw me feeding him St John's Wort and said 'what's that for?', he told them he was depressed and they said nothing

they just don't speak - they have always driven me insane by their coldness

it is amazing how both he and his sister have turned out to be lovely warm people despite them - but he isn't close to his sister either, and she lives a long way away

what would he do (i.e. how would he react) if you phoned and made an appointment at the docs for him? And said you'd accompany him if it would help....

I have said I will do that but his work schedule is so difficult, I would undoubtedly set him up an appointment when he was at a meeting or travelling

it is a good point though so maybe I have to be a bit more aggressive about finding out what his schedule is like over the next week or two

Yes Meg, perservere for all your sakes. good luck

thanks

Berrie what happened with your dh - did he get better?

Yes he did. He still takes anti depressants now many years on and it took a couple of different types until he found one that works but he is fine now.
I remember ringing the MIND helpline and sobbing because I felt so powerless. The woman I spoke to was really nice.
Hope everything works out for you.

I have just rung him

if I can get an appt for Friday he is free all day

tbh I can't see him getting ADs, I think he will resist them. But maybe they will give him some counselling

thanks berrie

You are welcome.
The thing is with AD's, you don't realise how bad you were until you start to get better. You kind of get used to being so low. Ask him to think about giving them a few months and if they don't work then so be it. He'll feel grotty for a day or 3 and then it passes.

ok will do

thanks ever so much for your help

I think actually that this has been coming for ages but he has not noticed

I think you are right that you get used to being low