Tearful all the time and mourning the loss of me - is it just fatigue or pnd?

[rubyblue]

After an awful first couple of months with ds (now 18 weeks) where I was crying every day and just felt useless at everything, things had started to get better. I put it down to tiredness but I'm not sure. Unfortunately, ds is waking more frequently now and in between his wake ups, I can't sleep at all and am completely overwrought. I'm back to feeling tearful and at times hysterical and taking it out on DH. I feel responsible for our relationship and under pressure to have sex (not from him but from me) although I have zero sex drive. I just feel he doesn't understand what it's like for me and he said to me today that he doesn't know what to say. I have these thoughts of awful things happening to me and/or the baby - is this normal? I'm mourning my lost life and personality. Much as I love my ds, at times I get angry and frustrated with him although I know it's not his fault and never want to hurt him. Yesterday I was bfeeding him and sobbing at the same time and he looked so bemused, will this affect him?
I am so utterly alone. When does this get better? Please someone reassure me that this is not it for motherhood.

rubyblue, have you seen a gp yet? you need to say all this to your doctor, or health visitor if you havent already, i recignise everything you are saying and i was diagnosed with pnd when dd was 4 weeks. It does get bettere, you will get more sleep but what you are describing sounds so much like what i was like that imho its def worth you telling asomone quickly

rubyblue, have you seen a gp yet? you need to say all this to your doctor, or health visitor if you havent already, i recignise everything you are saying and i was diagnosed with pnd when dd was 4 weeks. It does get bettere, you will get more sleep but what you are describing sounds so much like what i was like that imho its def worth you telling asomone quickly

This is perfectly normal. Having a baby is not always the bees knees. Everybody will feel like you at some point.

The best thing to do is to get out and talk to other mothers about how you feel and you will find that they will all admit to the same.

You are normal and it will pass. Most men find it very hard to understand how new mothers feel, and his lack of response is because he really doesn't know what to say.

I think you need to see a doctor.

I have been a bit like you with DS1. Crying with tiredness and very emotional about everything but it wasn't all the time. I think my HV was seriously worried about me as she did several checks/questionnaires to see if I was suffering from PND but I think it was the effect she had on me - if she ever asked how I was getting on it was enough to start me crying. I couldn't cope with the sympathy at all.

Largely it was exhaustion. I wasn't very good at sleeping either because DS would wake up so often and had no pattern of sleeping that I couldn't ever relax. It improved as his sleeping slowly improved.

But, are you ever able to have a laugh, take any joy out of the day or being with DS? Is everything you do hard work? It is such a massive change becoming a mother and it is normal to mourn the loss of your old life but if you can't find any joy in your new life then do get checked out.

I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks for the advice. I'm scared to talk to someone official about it. Don't know why. Makes it seem like I'm failing or being stupid.
I was expecting sleep deprivation but not on this scale and not the knock on effect on my moods. I just want to crawl under a duvet and not get up again. I'm going to give up bf earlier than 6 months which i know is selfish but i just need a break now and then.
I'm amazed at how hubbie and I have slipped into traditional roles so quickly and feel like I never stop all day between ds and housework.
I just want to feel like me again - like I'm worth something and I'm doing alright. I really miss work and the sense that something has gone right in the day. There is no positive feedback on this and it's so relentless.

By the way, crying when you were bf isn't going to affect your DS at all. He won't remember it - he probably just wondered what the noise was all about.

THanks everyone. I'm welling up just reading your responses.Think it is mostly exhaustion as I can still enjoy ds and if I see a friend. I feel trapped here during the day as he sleeps better at home so don't really get out until after 3pm, fresh air does help though.
Any tips on how to feel better about your body too as I hate myself now which is probably not helping the old sex life?

rubyblue, I feel exactly the same way.

One thing which helped me was this book:

www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mothers-Do-Especially-Nothing/dp/0749926201/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=121 2409017&sr=8-1

It is not a self-help book, but just a collection of mothers' experiences. It talks about all the things you mention about lack of positive feedback, loss of identity, getting things done, the awful things you imagine happening etc. I found it massively reassuring.

I did also talk with my health visitor and I found that very helpful. Also there is good advice on this thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/8/476723

The baby was younger but a lot of the practical advice may be helpful.

I do hope you feel better soon. Remember you are never alone with Mumsnet!

Cut yourself some slack girlie, you are doing a fine job and remeber sleep deprevation can do horrid things to the system!

You sound exactly how i was a few months ago. I have to agree with Lula, however you may find it helpful to 'touch base' with your GP or HV once a week/fortnight. Is there anyone who can come come and take your LO for a few hours so you can get some sleep?

Are you able to get out at all? Put LO in the buggy and go for a walk when it is DS nap time. Crikey i walked the pavements till they were worn out but i think it did help - fresh air, change of scenery.

Also, don't feel that you have to 'perform' if you don't want to. Have a look around at some other threads about sex after baby, some people get back really quickly and others take longer, don't put yourself under pressure.

Another thing to remember is that your hormones are still raging!!!! This is something i think people don't tell you.

Hmm, think i have said enough

Does your DS nap in the pram/pushchair? If so, get out of the house in the morning, as soon as he falls asleep park yourself on a bench/in the cafe, take snacks for you and a book or an iPod. If he goes down for a nap around lunchtime see if you can manage a nice lunch out somewhere.

It does sound like you could do with chatting to your GP or HV, if only to see what help is out there.

Do you co-sleep? DS woke loads at night and co-sleeping was a godsend

I can only emphasise what other posters here have said... what you're going through is very common, you are absolutely not failing or being stupid. I found the What Mothers Do book incredibly helpful - it's
subtitled "especially when it looks like nothing" and that's exactly how I felt, as if I'd done nothing with my time but I was constantly exhausted and run-down.

Is there someone who can take ds for a couple of hours while you get out? A new haircut or manicure can help massively - as a boost to self as well as a chance to relax a bit.

Sorry for lack of coherence - being nagged by 2.5 year old dd.

Rubyblue, can I just add something in respose to your comment that

"I'm scared to talk to someone official about it. Don't know why. Makes it seem like I'm failing or being stupid"

feeling mentally unwell when post-natal is not unusual. The medical profession are so used to it. They will offer the right level of help, which might be ADs, or might be regular GP appointments or something else. I speak as someone who found life very difficult after the births of 3 of my 4dcs, yet it was only after dc4's birth that I got over the hurdle of admitting it. I got some brilliant support, and should have done it with dcs1 and 2.

HTH

God Ruby that OP could have been me when I had mine!

It IS a bloody nightmare at times & no motherhood isn't all gorgeousness & maternal fluffiness! You are ENTIRELY normal, please don't think otherwise

Please think about going to see your GP/HV. Sometimes just telling them can help, I did & had a short course of AD's & they did the trick & got me back on track so I could enjoy my LO's. You might not need them, see how you go but please DON'T feel a failure, you have this lovely little DS that's a terrific thing to have done & he WIll be worth it honestly.

I could have written that too Ruby, I was really really resentful of husband having a life that carried on with the wonderful addition of a baby, whilst my life was spent breastfeeding, and wondering if Id get a shower that day.

My LO was still feeding 11, 3, 6 most nights,
I was on my knees coming up to six months, but everything turned around after that - weaning, breast - formula and food meant husband could actually do something useful,(men do like to DO something, my husband couldnt think what to say to me either),and he did a lot of getting up in the night which meant that I spent about 7 weeks getting some sleep.

There is an end, the problem is you dont know when its coming.

I found I went from not daring to see GP to really actually genuinely happy in the space of about 8 weeks. And it was only looking back that I could see the change.

Even if you cant bring yourself to see HV/GP, you have some insight, and you have done a brave thing putting this out in the open, even to strangers. You may find after posting this you do feel brave enough to go and talk face to face.

I remember sitting in the bath supporting my swollen breasts & feeling like shit. My DH (bless him) brought me a glass of wine but couldn't understand why I was sobbing my heart out. DD was growing well sleeping not badly & was the sweetest most content baby but I STILL felt like a crap mother.

"Well go & talk to the GP about it " he said helpfully

"But they'll think I'm not coping & take her awaaaay from meeeee" I wailed

Result was I "lost" 6 months of my DD's first year, struggling to get through it. After that it got better slowly but I realised too late I should have got help. With DD2 I talked about it with the GP before hand & as soon as I recognised I was heading the same way I took myself off to see her before it got too bad.

She said it was a VERY common thing especially amongst organised/professional/busy women who can't forgive themselves for not being supermum from Day 1.

Please go & see someone

Hey Rubyblue, I just re-read your last sentence more carefully in your OP and wanted to add this to what I said before.

Yes, it does get better and it will get better. Even if you don't get help it will eventually get better. Really truly honestly.

One of the worst things about exhaustion is that you lose the ability to think clearly, so problems develop out of proportion and it's harder for you to see for yourself that there's a way forward. Everything you've described is normal and we've all been there - those first few months when you're trying to be organised and in control are extremely difficult when you're not getting any sleep. I think most of us expected something lower-scale when we were told about sleepless nights, but then we'd nothing to compare it to except maybe shift work or a nocturnal social life. This is different because you don't get a chance to catch up on your rest for MONTHS and it totally wears you down. It's a big shock to the system.

I'd see your gp and/or health visitor. Chances are you don't have PND but are simply over-emotional from lack of sleep and a demanding situation, but if you do you can get treatment which will help you to feel better. Go easy on the self-imposed sex demand too - the time will come but you're making it harder to be ready by putting yourself under so much pressure.

In the meantime, try and put some of your limited energy into yourself, find something you enjoy doing and do it, however tired you feel. If you can't sleep then at least rest, play a relaxation cd while your baby sleeps so that you can get the benefit of this time as well. You need to find a way of recharging your batteries.

Good luck, it will get better.

Bossybritches's last but one sentence about professional capable women reminds me of a friend I met when DS1 was little who tried to do it all because she was an older mum and had spent all her working life being capable, responsible and coping. She had an immaculate house, the baby was well cared for but she was lonely on top of the pressure she put on herself to be super-mum and it all got a bit too much. She ended up in hospital for 2 mths with PND.

I am not saying for one minute that this is where you are heading but do cut yourself some slack and forget about the housework sometimes. Do something you enjoy whilst your baby sleeps and relax, even if you can't sleep. You can have a lovely tidy house when your baby is a bit older but for now look after yourself.

I hope you had a decent night last night and managed to string an hour or two of sleep together.

Exactly Niecie & karen.

How are you today ruby?