Two days ago I broke up with my girlfriend after being on holiday for nearly 2 months. It was probably the worst timing but I was questioning whether I truly loved her and felt too guilty doing anything intimate or affectionate like touching if I didn't have those feelings, and I didn't want to lead her on because I knew that if she knew how I felt she wouldn't want to be touching, hugging me and being affectionate, so it just felt wrong.
We met up and said it 10 minutes in, and she was heartbroken. She was crying a lot and asked me why I had her come all the way here and didn't say it earlier over text so she could've cancelled her train, which I realised was a mistake.
I gave her some time and she didn't leave. She calmed down and we spoke things out - I said I felt bad because I didn't feel like it was love and she was saying that I do love her and asking me not to keep saying it like that. She said to be optimistic and if we could try for the 2 days she was here, and then if it doesn't work we could end it, but I didn't think I'd feel any different and still felt very bad about physical contact and that I'd lead her on.
At the end she even thought she was the issue and that she did something but it really is just that I'm anxious of everything being a crime, the whole ocd thing, and that I want to be by myself. She said we could take things slowly and that she wants to help me because it must be horrible in my position, and it broke me because I feel terrible for her since she truly loved me but I wasn't feeling the same and broke up with her possibly in the worst timing and way. I just didn't say much and kept saying I don't think I feel anything and don't want to lead her on. It was a long discussion and I didn't know if she was staying or not. We started doing stuff like building lego and I even made her food, in a friendly way. However, at around 9am she was on my phone and I think she found something bad because she then gave it back to me and was quite upset, and said she was going out for a walk and would come back. I could tell she'd found out something because she didn't look upset before. The whole day I was messaging my friend about my worries and what to do, even when she was there I'd keep him updated on what was going on and ask him for assurance or to tell me what to do/if i was doing anything bad. I think she saw the chats because I can't think of anything else that would've upset her, I'm not doing anything else apart from telling my friends about what's going on.
It was a tough night and she came back from the walk at 1am, I got very worried. She ended up staying over because it was late at night, so I said I couldn't let her go off alone at 2am and we ended up sleeping to the next morning. That day wasn't a great start too since I went to get breakfast and came back to her crying and wanting me to leave her alone, so I did. An hour or so later she came back, saying we could be friends and we shook hands on it. I paid her back for her tickets and she ended up staying that day too. The next morning she was even being very touchy with me, and I felt good but guilty because I'd broken up with her and thought that we shouldn't be doing affectionate stuff or touching at all if I ended things.
I told her all this and she said it was okay to enjoy it and that she was doing it and it wasn't a crime, but then I felt guilty because for the day I wanted her to leave and to be alone, and I knew that if she knew this she wouldn't have been touchy and doing affectionate stuff, and might've felt unwanted or even uncomfortable.
I told her this too, and she said "so you're using me?" and I stayed quiet because I didn't know what to say, but she said it was okay and we kind of moved on. I was worried that she might've been uncomfortable and so that me having her over was a crime basically, since she wouldn't have wanted to stay but couldn't really go anywhere else, and her ticket was for 10pm which was in a few hours.
We moved on from that and talked for the rest of the time, watched some videos and I even opened the card she was planning to give me for my birthday (which is next week), albeit it was kind of awkward since she'd written the card before the breakup and the photos and what she wrote inside made me feel sad about what I did and tear up. But, I said I loved it because it really was very touching and cute, and we had a light conversation as she asked me to rate the card out of 10 and we laughed about me in the photos.
Despite all this I still kind of was waiting for her to leave so I felt bad if we touched or even layed in bed together because I shouldn't have been doing that if I wanted to be alone, and I knew it was probably lust. At one point when it got close to her train, I left the room to get dressed and could hear her crying. I stayed because I didn't know if she wanted me to go back in, and eventually she came out and asked if I was coming in and I did. We slept and she missed her train, and this morning when I woke up at around 7am, she was gone.
She texted me and she's outside right now because she has nowhere else to go. She can't go home and she said she can't go back to the city she's usually at. I don't know what to do, because I'd feel better if I was alone and if she was here I'd be very stressed again about not wanting her over and her feeling uncomfortable/unwanted, but at the same time I don't want to have her outside as anything could happen and she was also very cold when we went out yesterday, so she probably is now too.
What do I do? I can't really make her go home even if I buy her a train ticket as she said she can't and probably won't want me buying anything for her. The only other option is to offer she comes back because I feel guilty leaving her outside in the cold, but I'd also feel guilty if she was here as I'd rather be alone and I don't want to stress. She's also just texted me that she doesn't want to live and can't do it anymore. I really don't know what to do. I asked if we can talk so she can maybe relax, but she says I hate her and that I don't want to talk to her, and I feel guilty because I do want to be alone, but I can't leave her in that state, what kind of person breaks up with their partner, leaves the other heartbroken, outside in the cold and really upset?