I'm so tired of fighting my own mind **TW**

[Nothingl3ft]

Trigger warning ⚠️ this contains references to ending your own life

My mood, behaviour, mental health, whatever you want to call it always goes in cycles, well more like it's always there, the hopeless feeling, the useless feeling, like I'm not quite right for the world, I don't have the right tools to navigate normal life and I don't know how to achieve them, I feel like I'm constantly swimming in treacle, mentally, socially, emotionally and for so long I can stave it off, bury it, convince myself this time I'm actually ok and becoming a better person who everyone wants around, who can be relied upon and then it all unravels and I'm back to being useless and unable to cope with anything, crying and being seen as manipulative and attention seeking and told by others they're not dealing with my tears and meltdowns, I don't want them to have to, if I could stop it, make it go away I would, I just want to be normal, be able to control it, but I just unravel and lose my grip on everything,

it's like how I imagine drowning to be, in the sea when you are floating along but you know those waves are coming and you know that they will overwhelm you, it's just a matter of time time and you fight and Scrabble but you are losing the battle and you're tired and so you stop fighting and ehe water overwhelms you. You know you should kick and fight, that you shouldn't give in but there's a sort of peace when you accept this is what it is. Other people hold you up for a while but you are a burden on them, you are affecting their ability to stay afloat and you love them, admire them, that's the last thing you want. But you also know if you go under that will hurt them too, that will still cause them problems. If you'd never been in the water in the first place, then you wouldn't be causing these problems.

That's how I feel about life, my life, the lives of those around me.

Even in the good times it's there, and I know it's just a matter of time before it's here we go again. Nothing has to happen, nothing terrible or tragic that would affect anyone, for some reason my mind just breaks and I can't cope with anything, can't do anything, just feel panicked and sad and like there's no point even trying because I can never get it right.

I've never had a massive trauma, or serious abuse, I just feel like a squre peg in a round hole, alright for so long and then just annoying and doesn't quite fit what it's needed for, wobbly when pressure is applied and then falls over and lets everyone down.

I've finished work today and put a week's sick note in, I've spent most of the day trying to control my tears, unable to concentrate, unable to think straight and just do a fairly straightforward job, I can't afford this but I will get sacked if I keep having these issues at work and of course yet again, I'm letting everyone down and causing problems. But I don't know what else to do. Being off sick is going to just add to my problems. I'm already skint, this is going to see me back in debt again. But then being sacked will do that too, or walking out because I completely lose the plot. At least this way I have something coming in, but then does that make me one of those scroungers that is milking the system? I can't push through any more, I've nothing to do it with. I don't know what to do. It's like by just existing I'm letting someone down somewhere.

I don't want to die, because that would just cause more problems and heartache for other people, but for me being here or not being here doesn't seem like such a big deal, it's between this misery or nothing. Neither is appealing. I can't seem to find the middle bit that is where it's not misery and it's not nothing, I do fleetingly but it always circles back to this. And I'm tired and I know this bit will pass again, but I also know it will come back. I just think it would have been better had I never been here, I wouldn't feel this way, behave this way, but I wouldn't be affecting other people so much either.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, attention maybe? I don't want to burden other people. I don't want to be like this but years of trying not to hasn't made any difference. Maybe I'm just a bad person and should embrace that, but I don't want to be a bad person, I just want to have control over my own mind, my emotions and be able to stop them affecting everyone else.

I could have written this. It’s recently dawned on me that I most likely have autism and/or adhd , it would explain a lot throughout my life .

I know mental health support is hard to access these days due to the level of demand, but it does sound as though you might be someone who could feel better with appropriate medication (which for better or worse is often easier to access than therapy).

Adhd (inattentive) but also bipolar type 2 (crudely put the "less severe" type which is often late diagnosed) spring to mind but off the back of a forum post that's pure speculation - still both are conditions in many people find they feel better on the appropriate medication (obviously it's equally valid not to medicate ADHD and instead use other strategies, but some people first taking medication as adults find it life altering in a positive way).

Go amd see your GP and specifically as about investigating neurodiversity with a view to medication. Be honest with them.

I don't have much experience or knowledge of autism or ADHD, I have worked with a man, many years ago who was autistic and who was non verbal and used to be violent towards himself and others, he also had learning disabilities and other health issues.

I understand it's a spectrum, but surely someone would have seen it if I were? I've been in the care of mental health services, and GPS and have been an inpatient in a psychiatric unit about 20 years ago, surely with the input I've had from services it would have been spotted? I've always just been diagnosed with depression and given anti depressants and they upset my stomach and make me sick, and I couldn't afford two months off work to get used to them, I've tried 3 different ones over the last couple of years and they've all done similar, either really bad acid and I'm sick, or running to the loo every 5 minutes, or just dazed and like a zombie. I guess now I'm off sick is the time to try them again. I was on them when younger and they never had this effect. It's like I try to do something but can't get that right either.

I know it seems to be the thing but I’d second looking into neurodivergence massively unrecognised in women as we tend to be better at ‘masking’ and either end up being diagnosed with personality disorders or anxiety/depression.

Also neurodivergent women have much higher rates of PMDD. The feelings of hopelessness can be cyclical but this can go unrecognised for years. The low emotions can be there underlying all the time but are particularly bad at certain times/hormone fluctuations.

I wish you all the best in figuring it out.

Thank you.
I'm getting night terrors as well, where I wake myself up fighting something or yelling/screaming, sleep is the only peace I get when I'm like this but when I'm like this it's not restful, it's just another fight.
I just don't want to be like this. I just want to know how I can not be like this. What I can do. I exercise, I force myself to, I do overeat sometimes or the wrong stuff but not to the extent I want to.
I'm physically in pain most days with my back and hips which I have been going to hydro therapy for and have exercises from the physio which I do, I spend time with family and friends when I can and try not to get isolated but nothing seems to make a difference, this has just come and ambushed me again.
I'm just sat on my bed crying and cuddling the dog, I will force myself out with her later but it will be hard because I'll have to try and control it all and be normal in public and it won't stop. I'm annoyed with it, frustrated and exhausted by it.

No they wouldn’t see it. Unless it’s obvious they never see anything,

This sounds like repeated cycles of neurodivergent burnout. ND women are often incorrectly diagnosed with mental health issues.

Yes.

I challenged in the coroner's court with professionals over why girls are quickly diagnosed with EUPD and then later diagnosed with ASD and their issue has been undiagnosed/ unsupported autism all along. Girls especially are massively undiagnosed and often go through life not knowing where they fit in to the world, why they can't cope with adulting that others find so easy and face repeated burnouts.

Not saying that you're ND, only testing can show up the lights but quite honestly there's no harm in treating yourself like you are. It'll help you recognise your cues before you get to burnout, how to pace yourself so you don't have to learn heavily on others to hold you up when you've fallen. That fear won't be helping you either.

I'd also keep a period diary to see if things are linked to hormone fluctuations. There are ways of dealing with that.

Have you tried Effexor? I have been on them for 20 years because I was deeply depressed in my twenties. Like physically unable to read a book because everything blurred and books have always been my go to place when I feel miserable. I couldn't eat because my digestion didn't work and the world felt scary and I just wanted to get out of it because it was too painful to live. Slowly Effexor created a shield around me, preventing me from falling apart. I could cope, I could live. But I am very wary of getting enough sleep, exercice and eating healthily (with treats ofcourse!) in order to maintain stability. Maybe this is not for you but it did save my life. I hope you find something that works for you.💐

I feel like my brain is bombarding me every day about how disruptive my (not diagnosed) mental health issues are to my life. I don’t understand other people and they don’t like or understand me. You can learn to cope however. The correct amount of ssri (a small dose prevents the zombie effect), ashwagandha (a game changer), the right amount of exercise and the cleanest, healthiest diet you can manage. Mindfulness; look for the beauty in life. What pleases your ears and your eyes, oh and it’s not always in nature.

I've thought for a long time that it's linked to hormones but when I've raised it before with the GP, or practice nurse recently (I'm 46 and have had some fluctuations with periods and sweats at night) or with the psychiatrist years ago I get the impression they think I'm just making excuses because I don't want to face the truth of mental illness.
Maybe I don't, I don't know any more.

I've job hopped my entire life because my behaviour embarrasses me, I feel like such an idiot and so I move on because I can't face the fall out and I'm just mortified, I know people pity me, or think I'm attention seeking and trying to manipulate them, but it's more like I just can't hold on to it any more, I can control it for so long and then it overwhelms me and I'm just a mess. I wish I knew what to do so that didn't happen. I need to work but I can't just be level and stable. I don't even have a reason, I cope with things as they happen in life, bad news, bereavement etc, I think the way most people do, but then it could be 6 months or a year, or 5 years and suddenly with no trigger I'm like this and I've lost all control over it.

I have a phone consultation with the GP later today, but I need more than just some talking therapy and anti depressants to get through this crisis, I need something longer term, something that stops these crises happening repeatedly. I don't do illegal drugs, I've tried them in my teens and didn't like the loss of control and how they made me feel, I used to drink quite a lot, it helped somewhat but it makes me follow through on the feelings and thoughts I'm having impulsively and so I don't drink hardly at all now because I know if I'm heading for one of these episodes, I'll get there taster with worse concequences if I do.

I haven't tried effecxor I will ask the Dr if they might be suitable.

Thank you

PMDD isn’t widely recognised. Again it’s an ND thing.

This thread is making me so angry about how neuro diverse women have been treated.

Op l hope you find your answers c

To me it does sound as if you could be neurodivergent, much of what you’ve described eg being able to hold it together and then everything becomes too much is very typical.
The feeling of being a square peg in a round hole also.
When it all becomes too much it’s burnout from having to fit in all the time.
Definitely consider looking into a diagnosis of autism.
Good luck

I get how you feel OP. I am experiencing ADHD burnout. I've been under various medics for years for depression, anxiety etc etc but no one picked up on my ND.

How do I go about looking into it? Do I raise it with the GP?

I've often wondered if I had bi polar because of being up and down but in all honesty I don't understand much about any of it.

I have minor wobbles and can pull myself together again after a few days like I've released some pressure and so can function a bit again but this is a big one. I feel like I've been on the edge for weeks, if not months and just carried on, having little episodes and then this one has just wiped me out and I'm a wreck. My DD has just gone back to uni, rather than that being the trigger I think more I've held it together for her until she went back and now I've crashed and it's worse.
Thank you all for your replies, it's taking me some time to type replies because I keep freezing and crying but putting it down somewhere is helping.

I think your GP is the first starting point in asking for a referral. Some might ask you to do a questionnaire, some might fob you off or just refer. There are private places that do them.

There is an online questionnaire you can do if you're curious.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/autism/getting-diagnosed/how-to-get-diagnosed/

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/before-diagnosis/how-to-request-an-autism-assessment

We sound so similar op
it’s utterly exhausting

Thank you @gamerchick for the resources

I'm sorry you are feeling this way too @fedup078 if the numbers in your un are your year of birth I'm a year younger than you and I do feel peri menopause has a hand in this, or hormones at any rate. The problems started when I was coming into puberty. With the other end in sight now, maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel that isn't a train and some relief.

I spoke to my GP and have a prescription to collect tomorrow, and am off work for a month. That's going to make life financially difficult but for once I'm simply too exhausted right now to worry about it. I go back in a month to see how the meds are working and if I'm more stable, he said we will discuss the 'roller coaster' that has always been my mood/emotions/coping.