Has anyone suffered relationship anxiety and have any advice in terms of what support I could access for this?
I am not in a relationship, I am currently dating. I have been separated from my son’s dad for 9 years and in this period had a 2 year relationship that ended 6 years ago. I have barely dated since then. At time time I thought that relationship was going well but looking back we were two people going through the motions but not effectively communicating our needs or wants. This left me in a situation 2 years later where I was with someone who wanted completely different things to me. I think the lack of communication throughout was due to fear or rejection and judgment and just sort of hoped that we were on the same wavelength. I did communicate to some extent throughout what I wanted and that I wanted long term and he agreed but actions demonstrated other wise, such as not allowing me to be part of his world such as meeting his friends and family members and looking towards the future. I felt like I was someone he was embarrassed about and that he was hiding me from family and friends who knew nothing about me. (FYI he definitely wasn’t married or in another relationship). He would make out I was needy but looking back with this sort of behaviour no wonder I felt rejected and unwanted. By needy this just referred to how I liked a lot of texting throughout the day, but this is something that had developed mutually throughout and wasn’t one sided, but then after 2 years he made out it was.
Prior to this my previous relationship ended with with my husband having an affair. The relationship was done before this due to his level of aggression and emotional responses, but the affair was the final straw. Within the previous relationship (not marriage) I think due to lack of communication and me then trying to read between the lines, I would completely over analyse text messages and communication styles to try and give me an answer I was not otherwise receiving. I could be really bad at times such as counting kisses, counting heart emoji’s, analysis length of and distance between messages and finding meaning in this. I did become completely obsessed.
I think it is clear that with this history there is no wonder that I can’t talk about emotions, feelings and wants. I think that internally there is a huge fear of the emotional response I’ll receive and fear of judgement and rejection. I am impacted so much by judgment and what other people think which is for me a huge barrier to communicating openly.
I started chatting online with someone 6/7 weeks ago and met last week. We didn’t meet sooner due to holidays clashing so did really meet at the first opportunity. I was really pleased with myself at how I managed and felt about this communication. Over the holidays we did continue to communicate but it was at a steady pace of 1/2 messages every 1-2 days. I felt happy with this, I was not obsessive over it and I felt I had finally moved on and was in a better place. Fast forward to the 1st date. This went well. He spoke about how he liked me, wanted to see me again and gave me lots of compliments. He text to check I was home and said he had a nice night but then I obsessed over the fact he didn’t give more positive feedback. The next day he suggested we meet up again (we both knew my options would be limited due to childcare so should make the most of the time). This went well, he was affectionate, tactile and told me he wanted to see me again. He text me after a few hours (just general and not related to the date) and again I obsessed over lack of feedback although there was lots of indication in the messages that night that he liked me given things like heart emoji’s etc. yesterday my anxiety was in absolute over drive. He text me last on Saturday but I really wanted him to message me first on Sunday (no idea why when we have generally taken it in turns). I was completely obsessed yesterday and it consumed my whole day. I wanted him to arrange the next date although he did leave it with me on Saturday to let him know when I was free for a date. I came to my senses and given that it was left in my court for both for me to text back and for me to provide details of availability and I text him. He replied almost straight away and has been really forth coming with arranging the next date.
As you can see my intrusive and obsessive thought patterns are exhausting. I recognise it, but how do I stop it? I’m considering ending this potential relationship as I don’t think I can handle the mental exhaustion. He hasn’t done anything wrong and his communication pattern has been consistent so why do I want more? I know it’s because of my fear of rejection and this constant need to reassurance but it’s so unhealthy and exhausting.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don’t need judgement as I know I have issues and I want to change.