Attachment Issues & Mental Health

[LilyLily1999]

Hi all…I’m 25, my partners 29, and we’ve been in a long distance relationship for a year, we live 2 hours from each other. It’s my first long distance relationship and in all honesty this is the best relationship I’ve had as the connection we have is something I’ve never experienced or never thought I’d find, but I'm aware I have quite bad attachment issues as well as mental health and it’s really hard considering we’re long distance.

My partner drives but I don’t, so we’re only able to see each other when he comes to me, especially as I suffer with anxiety and can’t get on public transport, so I’m unable to travel to him. Every two weeks he’ll come and spend the weekend at mine but I really struggle when he leaves…it’s like the minute he goes I don’t know what to do with myself, I sometimes break down in tears when he’s saying goodbye to me. The first few days after he’s left are rather bad as I’ll wake up with anxiety attacks and will have a low mood and no motivation for the whole day, will be very hard for me to eat etc I’ll just want to curl up in a ball in bed. Long distance can also make my anxiety work overtime and can genuinely be tough as if he says he’s out with his friend then disappears for a few hours I’ll instantly start overthinking and panicking but that’s something else I need to work on.

I suffer from very bad depression…I struggle to get out the house by myself, I barely eat, barely keep on top of hygiene and I’m currently out of work due to my mental health. I know me being in a bad mental state and having nothing going on in my life doesn't help as it means my whole world literally revolves around him, I genuinely don’t even have friends or anyone else to talk to or do things with but him, which can kinda be unhealthy…the only time I feel happy and care free is when I’m with him, only time I get out my house is when I’m with him etc. When he’s not with me I spend the whole time at home waiting for him to come back and trying to make time pass by. I believe if I had friends it may help a bit as I’d have other people I could talk to and go out with rather then being reliant on him. I’m really emotionally reliant on him and I’ve become very dependent on him, in the sense that I think the only reason my depressions feels like it’s “gone” is because he’s in my life which I guess isn’t necessarily bad as he distracts me and brings positive energy into my life but I know my depressions not fixed and it’s still there it’s just being hidden.

I realise I need to get a bit of a life for myself as it revolves around my partner, although I’m unable to work right now due to my mental state but even maybe a hobby or something just so I have something going on other than him but I’m really struggling. The attachment issues I have with him are pretty bad, he stayed this weekend just gone and it’s like the minute he leaves my spark and smile goes and I’m back to being depressed, it’s the next day and I’m just lying here on my bed feeling rather anxious and down.

Not sure what replies I’m expecting from this just needed to get this off my chest. I love my partner and wouldn’t change our relationship but I’m aware I have unhealthy attachment issues most likely due to my mental health. And it’s really hard for me when he’s not around.

Oh, op I recognise a lot of what you've written from when I was your age and suffering depression the same way. I found some old diaries the other day which read exactly like your post - no real friends, no job, no family support, just never ending crushing loneliness and despair only alleviated temporarily by visits from the long distance boyfriend. If I could go back in time and do it all again I would have forced myself from my bed, found voluntary work to get me out of the house and rather than obsess only my crap friends, joined a hobby club to meet new ones. As it is, you're putting your whole world in the hands of your boyfriend. In my case, he left me unsurprisingly because who wants a partner with no life of their own, no career aspirations, no hope. I'm not suggesting your boyfriend will do the same, but to thrive and build a proper future together where he's your equal not your carer, you have to really work on building yourself up and having ' something to offer'. Please try. You're still so young but it will run away from you very quickly if you don't put the effort in now. If you need support to do this, go to a gp and get the antidepressants.

@WanderTheWonderFish

Thank you for replying to me, really means a lot, I was actually suggested before to do volunteering just so it’s something that gets me out and about but it’s hard when you have no motivation and can’t guarantee you’ll always be in a good mood to go in. And regarding trying to join clubs to make friends I’ve honestly given up with that as I find it’s very hard to make friends after school etc. I agree completely with what you said, my partner literally controls my emotions as I’ll only feel happy if I see him, he calls me etc. My partners from an Asian background so to be honest I think they prefer their woman to be a stay at home mum etc and not to work, only mentioning this as from what I see I don’t think it’s putting him off that I don’t work and stay home. Although I would love to be ambitious as I hate saying to people I just stay home all day, makes me sound like a lazy bum. Thank you for responding though genuinely means a lot as I don’t get to talk to people much.

Please do try. I had exactly the same worries when someone suggested volunteering to me - the critical doubting voice in my head told me I couldn't do it, I'd break down when there, no one would like me, I wouldn't be able to handle my emotions to commit everyday. But it was honestly the best thing I did! Start small, don't overstretched yourself, do a day a week or a few hours. There's so many different opportunities, so find something that you find interesting. It's really not all charity shops, mine was in an office. From there, you'll get yourself slowly out in the world again, make friends, have something to get up for to give you purpose and structure, and it may lead to a career - it did for me! your boyfriend doesn't sound great tbh - I don't see how keeping you in the house, isolated and depressed, is very helpful. He should be making these suggestions to you, help you fill in the application forms, accompany you if needed. If you can just make that first step, always the hardest I know, but good things can really start happening for you.