How do you get over humiliating things that happened years ago?

[BeBreezyLilacWriter]

Hi everyone,
I’m 21 and something that happened when I was 15 still really haunts me. I got very drunk at a house party (the first time I’d ever drunk alcohol), passed out, and some boys threw things at me to try and wake me up. One of them filmed it and it got sent around a few people at the time.

It’s now nearly 7 years later and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel ashamed and embarrassed, like people who were there will always think of me as “that girl who got too drunk.” I also worry a lot about the video resurfacing, even though I’ve never seen or heard of it coming up again since. One of the boys apologised to me years later, but I still feel like they’ve been able to move on and live their lives while I’m stuck with the humiliation and fear.

Has anyone else experienced something like this, an embarrassing or horrible situation when you were younger that you thought would follow you forever? How did you get past it? Do these things actually matter to people years later, or is it just me holding onto it? I’m going travelling later this year and I don’t want to keep carrying this fear with me.

Gosh OP, we’ve all done embarrassing things. I was a shy teenager and used to drink for confidence at parties and there are plenty of things I cringe about if I were to think about it. But I don’t think about it. To be so worried after 7 years is not normal and I’d suggest speaking to your GP about anxiety. Fwiw though, those videos are long gone, will never resurface. For one, it’d only be embarrassing for the people who threw things at you and for the people sharing it. The shame is entirely on them, you were the victim.

You're 21, still really young! And I'm not surprised you're still cringing about this, I had sooo many cringey, embarrassing moments in my teens and onwards that haunted me for years but now as a 40 something year old I look back on them differently.

Just know that everything that happened, it wasn't your fault. Teenagers get too drunk all the time, I certainly did. The way those boy's behaved wasn't your fault either. They were idiots and that video will show them up, not you. I'm not just trying to be nice, I mean it.

When we are younger we can take on a lot of shame and also give power to the pack - in this instance, those stupid boys. One day, you'll look at this differently. Hopefully you can change your perspective a bit, which is one way to get over 'humiliating experiences'.

Everyone has had at least one of these, OP. and most of us way more -- the only good thing is that my teens were pre-mobiles, so there's no video evidence. You're giving this way too much power. See it as a mildly embarrassing memory that literally everyone has their own equivalent of, most of us many times over. Ask friends or colleagues (or even ask on Mn) what someone's most embarrassing teenage memory is, and you will get hundreds of people saying much the same thing about ill-fated early experiments with alcohol.

Lovie, if all you are known for is being "that girl who got too drunk" you are completely anonymous. Every girl (and quite a lot of women who should know better) could compete for that title, most of us more than once.

I think we need to treat ourselves with the kindness we would treat others.
Imagine this has happened to someone else…would you still be mentally beating her up about it? Or would you have been kinder and forgotten all about it by now?

Be kind….to yourself x

As the saying goes you can't put an old person's head on a young person's shoulders.

You say out loud whenever your mind wanders to it "I forgive myself for this. I was young and having fun." "Why am I going back there, I forgive myself" and move your thoughts and body back to the present - what do you see/smell etc. Mindfulness

You could write it down and then turn the paper and promise yourself not to feel any shame over it any more. It served its purpose in your life and you're not to feel shame over living your life as a young person.

Make a nice Pinterest board of all the things you are going to see whilst travelling and make a plan to keep yourself safe and happy whilst drinking abroad and write it up. Maybe having a glass of water for evwry drink, spacing them out, being able to call a trusted friend or adult if you feel too drunk. Perhaps a travel journal? Every time your mind wanders to feeling shame just redirect your thinking gently

You were all 15! Teenagers tend to do at least one silly thing. You get a pass.

You just have to remember that everyone has done embarrassing things. Many far worse than yours. Every person at that party will get embarrassingly drunk at some point in their life: And people don’t even think about it anymore it was so long ago… especially considering you were a child.

If your 15 year old cousin had this happen to them would you laugh at them or just give them a hug and tell them it’ll blow over? Also remember that you were 15 in the video - even if it did crop up again (it won’t, adults don’t share vids of them bullying people as children) then you don’t even look the same. I doubt you’re recognisable.

I have a friend who got so drunk she committed a crime and was arrested and now has a criminal record. So it could always be worse!

Thank you everyone for your lovely messages, they have really helped!!! I definitely need to have some more compassion for myself and I am looking into getting help with my anxiety😁I am moving to Australia end of the year so definitely have some things to good things to focus on rather than the past!!! thanks again everyone x

Trust me I've done worse!

I've also done much worse! Also they should feel embarrassed for their behaviour towards a young girl passed out!

OP, I really empathise. I have struggled with rumination my whole life and I'm only just getting a handle on it these last few years. I think this the above is great advice.

Something else that has helped me is understanding that rumination is your brain's way of trying to change the past and change the outcome that is proving so painful - it keeps revisiting that moment, trying to analyse it, change it, make it better or prevent it, going over and over it trying to find ways to process the bad bits away. It's your mind's way of trying to rewrite the past. Accepting that it happened and that it can't be changed, but that you can move on and accept what happened with kindness and forgiveness for yourself, could be very freeing.

By the way, I'm not saying you need forgiveness, not at all. But that there is obviously a deeply held belief somewhere inside you that thinks you did something wrong (you didn't ❤) and therefore you could try to forgive yourself as a way of moving on.

Is there someone you can talk to about it? I was telling my nail tech about an incident I’ve found embarrassing for years and she looked slightly bored and disappointed it wasn’t more interesting. Telling her has stopped me being embarrassed about that one, still got plenty of others though.

I got drunk at 15, threw up all over myself then took my clothes off, at a house party. I can only thank my lucky stars that A. there were no camera phones back then, and B. Nothing worse happened than other drunk teenagers seeing me in my underwear.

I totally get why you’re embarrassed by it, but if that video hasn’t done the rounds since, it will be long gone. As PP said, if it happened to another girl, would you think badly of them? No, you’d think badly of the boys.

Talking these things through with someone can help to process them and get them out of your system. This experience has got 'stuck' somewhere in your brain.

Typing them here is great but actually telling someone in real life is even better. Or sometimes I write things out by hand and burn them!