I feel like I am going crazy and it is really affecting my daily life. Has anyone experienced the same?
For background I am 45 years old, single parent of teen and work term time. Been single for 10 years.
I started the summer holidays really positive - I've lost some weight (still another 2st to go) and treated myself to lots of skin care as I have suddenly aged over the past 2 years. Started new job which I am enjoying, daughter happy and felt really good and positive.
Then found an old photo from when I was around 25 and it reminded me at the time I was working in a bar on an evening. A co worker told me he really liked me a couple of times. I thought he was gorgeous and really liked him. He was 19 which isn't ideal but that didn't put me off. What did was my own self worth and lack of confidence. I hated myself and a previous bad relationship had depleted my confidence. So I rejected him saying I was too old for him. He looked crestfallen and I felt so bad. I wish I had the confidence to kiss him but I didn't and was just frozen. He asked me out on 2 further occasions and I rejected him saying I was too old and he should date someone his own age.
I felt bad about this but thought I was doing him a favour and I do believe I wouldn't have made a good girlfriend at the time because of my confidence issues. A few months later I saw him with a co worker, his age, and they were obviously a couple and I actually felt happy for him.
I can honestly say I have thought about this person maybe 3 or 4 times the last 20 years. In fact until finding this picture it will have been a good couple of years.
Since finding this picture I cannot get him out of my head. I keep replaying scenarios in my head of where we are an item. I feel such regret about turning him down and I feel such guilt for hurting him. Which is stupid because it was 20 years ago and he moved on and so did I. I keep getting a pit in my stomach feeling. I keep thinking he was so lovely he would have made a great partner and I am such an idiot for rejecting him.
I think it's part of something bigger. I've read that it might be because I'm missing something in my life (I am single and would like to meet someone) that is why you can think of someone from your past.
I also think the fact I am getting older and my body isn't what it was - fine lines, skin getting saggy etc this is not helping.
I know you cannot go back in time and I know you can't stop aging. But why is it making me feel so depressed and I cannot stop thinking about this person when I've literally not thought about him for years? I've not looked him up on social media or anything and I don't have a desire to want to see him now. But I feel full of regret and mad at myself for missing this opportunity. It's stupid I'm so embarrassed.
I'm eating healthy and I will be joining a gym this week. I'm taking lots of vitamins and trying to drink enough water. I only have a couple of close friends and although one is really good to talk to, and I have spoken to her about this once. I don't really have anyone else. Another friend when I have felt down in the past she tries to push me into getting anti depressants from the GP - although I'm not sure if I should now? I was referred to Talking Therapies a couple of years ago but they were not very good they discharged me because I could not agree to their first appointment as I would be at work with nowhere to talk to them in confidence.
I've started a journal although I'm not sure its really working and going to try and find some videos on YouTube that might help. Trying to keep myself busy but have no motivation and feel tired all the time.
Just wondered if anyone been through similar and have any suggestions. It really is affecting my life I'm in bed now writing this in tears. I feel like I'm going mad and want to go back to how I felt at the beginning of summer.
Thanks for reading if you have made it this far.