How do you get over the grief/ sadness of your babies growing up?

[SunflowerLyd]

How do you get over the grief/ sadness of your babies growing up? I've just had my third baby, I also have a 2 and 5 year old, and seeing how much my 5 year old no longer needs me as much and wants his independence, I watch my other 2, how they depend so much on me, and the warmth and closeness of their hugs, and I can't help but cry at the thought of them growing up and no longer needing me. I feel like I've put my whole self into raising everyone, that once they're older, I'll have no purpose, and it feels so bleak...I don't know if it's post partum anxiety having an effect on me at the moment, but does anyone else feel like this? Any tips on how to feel less sad and that you do have a purpose beyond raising children? Struggling this morning and just wondering if it's just me that feels like this 😭

Congratulations @SunflowerLyd on your new baby 🥰. Enjoy the newborn snuggles. You’re meant to feel like this, it’s hormonal and part of the life stage, your brain goes on blinkers to all the other non-baby stuff. Having a baby and being there everything feels like the only thing worth doing. Mine is 10 months now and I’m starting to come out of that. Them growing up and becoming happy, secure and independent is a sign of you doing a good job! Once you’re out of the baby phase, you’ll be teaching them trivia, practical skills, self care and how to manage friendships. They’ll be considerate of you and thinking of your favourite things and buying you gifts. When they are teenagers and starting to head into the world they’ll come to you for guidance and hugs. I think give it time. I was desperate for another baby and I asked DH to not keep saying no as I couldn’t deal with the idea that everything was the “last time” whereas he was experiencing the sleep deprivation in a “never again” way. have you read a book called Matresence? It sums up how you feel and explains the different feeling of time post partum. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62217096-matrescence

I felt exactly the same as you until recently, same with my other pregnancies, to the point I didn’t want to return to work. Time passing and my baby getting older and being released from constant feeding and broken sleep has coincided with feeling like working, going on holidays, seeing my friends, having hobbies is stuff I want to do too.

I’ve never felt this - I rejoice in the bigger person the baby is growing into and each new stage is more fun and interesting. Surely the point of having children is to eventually have independent confident adults happy to fly the nest? Maybe have a chat with your health visitor about how you’re feeling? What did you do before having children?

I do know four people who’ve had stillbirths or neonatal deaths though which does change your perspective.

You need a purpose and activities outside of your kids - or a plan for one when that’s possible if that’s not possible now.

weve got older teenagers and will soon be empty nesters. While it’s hard watching them leave home, it means you’ve done your job and everything is going as intended . A MNetter have a reality check to a few of us who were grieving our kids going to university. She pointed out her 18 year old daughter who has severe learning disabilities will lever leave home, be independent, has to be lifted with a hoist and is doubly incontinent. She’s right, independence is better than the alternative.

I’m the same. DS is 3 and I could cry at the thought of him going to school next September and not being with him everyday.

I’ve never had that, and have always really looked forward to them being independent and without me! (3 down, 2 to go!)

On the one hand what you are feeling is very normal and it’s meant to be that way to ensure that you concentrate on the wellbeing of your children to the exception of all else, even yourself. It’s nature and designed to ensure the continuation of the species (on a basic level).
On the other Society has for generations kept women in the housemother role, which I feel is detrimental to us as women. Society uses and abuses nature to keep us in our place.
It is hard, but think of this as a temporary thing and that the aim is happy children with the confidence to go out into the world alone. Then you’ve done a good job.
Know or put steps in place now for yourself that you have a rich life beyond the babies. For you. An enriching life that is fulfilling and challenging in positive ways because their needs of you when they are older will be different (like showing them that women are more than just mums!). Best of luck!

I've found watching them grow, developing into themselves absolutely amazing.

Mine are all teens now and they still need me. We still have several family meals all together a week which I love because they chat, tease, tell us what's happening in life.

We do different things together now. Exchanged soft play for other things.

I thought I'd really miss the toddler years, then the primary school.years.... but it's been fine - the new adventures with them have kept us occupied. Its a continualparenting learning curve, no time to be bored or complacent! It was easier when I was "in charge".

I do have 1 teen who is likely to be dependent on us for alot longer than their siblings due to medical conditions and that makes me sad - their experiences in life are so far different to their peers.

I felt like this when my second was a baby partly I think because she was my last baby. When she started school full time I was lost for months. This summer was the first summer without a pushchair/her able to walk a good distance and trailing a potty round and it’s been wonderful we’ve been able to do so many different things. I try to cram all work and housework into school hours so we can maximise our time at the weekends