Do you feel like a bad person inside?

[sorryifthisisweird]

Whilst everything I have around me (friends, family, job, volunteering activities) tells me I must be alright, I can never shake the feeling that I’m actually bad or nasty deep down. I am always worried that I will do something that makes people realise how bad I am and then I’ll get fired or cancelled or something worse!

I have some possible explanations for this: maybe I am actually bad and just have learned to pretend to be good; maybe it’s something to do with (probably) being autistic; maybe a past emotionally abusive partner warped my brain. Maybe a bit of everything!

Sometimes I don’t feel this but I have bad weeks like this one where I feel like I am teetering on the edge of my anger or inner bad thoughts coming out and messing everything up. At times like this I have to think really carefully about what is right and wrong and actively choose kindness and not being a dick to people.

Perhaps this is normal? Can anyone relate to this?

The fact you are actively taking the time to think about and make good choices shows you're not a bad person ❤️

You didn't think this when you were born, or as a toddler. When do you think you became 'bad'? Or when can you remember being told you were bad?

For the avoidance of doubt it's very, very unlikely that you are bad – there's no evidence that you've done any of the things you're worried about – so it's more likely that it's a belief you developed when you were little. Does this make sense to you?

This is a good point, I actually think I developed this notion in my 20s. I think I had several knocks where people said nasty things about my personality. Until then I think I had a pretty high self worth. Then in my late 20s I had an emotionally abusive relationship and he really convinced me that i was weird. He also convinced me that i was very negative and in particular negative about others but I think i was just depressed and being isolated by him.

Since breaking away from that relationship (I’m now in my early 40s) I think I’ve been working very hard to convince myself I'm okay and not what he said I was.

Thank you, this actually really helps 🩷

I think most people are a mix of good and bad. But in general they suppress the bad. The fact that you are worried about being bad would indicate you’re not bad. Properly bad people don’t care!

Sorry to hear OP. I think this is trauma as you say. It sounds like a cycle of unwanted intrusive thoughts and feelings. Maybe OCD, or harm OCD? I think a hard question to ask yourself might be 'can I feel empathy for others?' or is empathy a more cognitive process? It's hard for anyone to feel kindness when they're not feeling right themselves inside, even if that is just from burnout from masking or other struggles with autism. Personally I often have imposter syndrome and feel like a fake, I also often project my mood onto others if I'm pms or ill, I know I'm like it so I tend to lie low for a bit until I feel better

It's normal to have days when it's hard to be your best self. When you struggle to do things well or be kind or helpful (or be anything other than a grumpy vegetable).

The only "bad" people if they exist at all, have done truly awful (criminal, violent) things to others. The rest of us get to muddle by, by being imperfect and having selfish, foolish or incapable moments /or moments when we're great amazing people.

Thank you, I have had ocd-like intrusive thoughts about this and other things.

I have had my period this week, been in pain and felt really tired so it is also a factor for me.

When you said you project your mood onto others, what did you mean?

Bless you OP. I agree you are not a bad person or you wouldn’t be worrying about it.
Everyone has thoughts they decide not to share. That’s totally normal.

Depression doesn’t make you a bad person. It might have made it hard for that person to understand you. He also sounds like he wasn’t very nice to you. Still doesn’t make you a bad person. Have you thought about getting some counselling to help rationalise things in your own mind?

Yes I think I’m bad. I get awful thoughts about hurting people. I don’t think I deserve to be on this earth.
You sound like a kind person though, I don’t think you are bad. I get a feeling about people.

I have had a fair bit of counselling but I have never spoken about this! Perhaps I should.

It sounds like you might have a similar thing. I am sure you aren’t bad either! Being bad would be actually doing the bad things. Actions are really what counts in this world.

True. I came so close last weekend though.

I'm just tagging on your thread because I also feel terrible. Just name changed. I just need somewhere to say how terrible I'm feeling.
I can't even make the effort to find the words.
I hope you're feeling better @sorryifthisisweird and everyone else. I know - just about- this changes and passes but right now I'm in such pain.
Trying to hang on to actually knowing there's a lot of good inside me somewhere and I know I've actually done some good in the world but right now it doesn't seem to amount to much.
Wishing everybody better. 💔

I think everyone has bad thoughts sometimes. I wouldn’t have any friends left if they knew some of the negative things I think about them sometimes.

I assume that they also have negative thoughts about me sometimes.

We’re all human and can’t be nice all the time. But as long as you try to be a good person you probably are a decent sort.

Humans are a mix of bad and good. That’s just our nature. Some people have a reflexive cognitive instinct to convince themselves they are right and good, even when they’re not particularly. I’ve met a few people on the autistic spectrum that seem to lack that ability to convince themselves that doing something wrong is actually ok.

We evolved as both predator and prey, and parts of our brain are monitoring the environment assessing threats, and opportunities, to ensure survival. The frontal lobes are a relatively new addition, and their purpose is to make meaning. Sometimes they get involved in things that are frankly none of their business - eg a thought crosses your mind that you could throw your baby out of the window (which is btw a very, very common thought reported by new mothers) and then the frontal lobes start wondering why, what this means, what it says about you to think this, and offers answers like you’re a bad person, etc when all you are is a very tired, hyper vigilant person seeing potential dangers that include yourself.

Counselling might help - has it helped you in other ways? Personally I’ve found that some things aren’t helped by talking because I can endlessly debate. But I had some success with NLP in shifting an unhelpful thought pattern.