Fear is my constant companion

[Keepingitalltomyself]

I can't admit this to anyone IRL so I'm writing it here to see if anyone can help me. Help me make sense of it, help me to help myself, help me to see that there is possibly a light at the end of the tunnel.

I am in my mid 50's and have struggled for as long as I can remember with my mental health.
I am diagnosed ASD, on the waiting list for an ADHD assessment.
I am hypervigilant.
I ruminate automatically constantly.
I have a number of anxieties which are debilitating.
I am afraid of the dark and of being alone, to the extent that I cannot function without fear, especially after it gets dark. I also have social anxiety, and basically feel frightened almost all of the time, except when someone is with me.
I feel like my life is a horror movie being played out. It feels like something is going to happen, I just don't know when or from which direction. I cannot drive after sunset or before sunrise and struggle to drive during the day on my own, but in the dark, its impossible. I get the 'heebie jeebies' every single night UNLESS someone is here with me.
I cannot go outside alone after dark, I cannot shower after dark, even with the lights on in my house. I sometimes don't shower for days, despite feeling sweaty and grim because I am too afraid to get in the shower and pull the shower curtain around me when I am alone.
If someone is here, I can push myself and shower during daylight hours.
I have progressed from being unable to look in mirrors at night to being able to brush my teeth 99% of the time before I go to bed, and I am proud of this.
I only feel safe when someone else is here. It feels like nothing bad will happen to me when someone else is here, because whatever is going to harm me won't harm me while someone else is here. I have no idea why this is.

Here's the kicker!
I live alone with my teenage daughter, who is AuDHD. She has no fear of the dark and I have managed to conceal my fears from her. I simply wait until she is at home or in her room watching TV to shower. She knows I don't like driving after dark, but in order to prevent her believing there is anything to fear, I have hidden how I feel for her whole life.
My daughter has begun spending time with friends more, which I encourage because I don't want to hinder her in any way, and lately, she has had sleepovers with her friends. I am happy for her, but this leaves me unable to function.
She isn't aware of this because she is not here.
The GP advised me to get assessed for ADHD and I went through the RTC path and am currently awaiting an assessment.
In the meantime, the GP has prescribed me various meds to help with my anxiety. The latest one is sertraline, but I haven't taken it because I am afraid of the side effects and dying of a heart attack alone.
Now I hear that ADHD meds can induce cardiac issues and I'm afraid to have the assessment in case they diagnose me and prescribe me stimulants.
I need help because I can't live like this for much longer.
My daughter tells me she wants to move out when she is 18 and I don't know what I'm going to do, but I don't want to stop her living her life.
I currently get carers allowance and universal credit, but if my daughter moves out, I will have to go to work and I really don't think I can.
I haven't claimed any sick benefits because I have spent years avoiding the GP apart from recently so I have virtually no evidence to support how much I struggle with day to day life.
I am able to push myself to cope more than half of the time during daylight hours but as soon as i am alone or it is dark, i am gripped by a terror, of what i do not know, possibly a threat, not necessarily a person though.
Like I say, it's like living in a horror movie, where anything could happen.
How will I overcome my fears to enable me to work in the near future?
I hope I haven't come across as completely insane. I think people I come across would be surprised to know how much I struggle.
I tried explaining to a friend once who advised me to lock all of my doors after dark, but I'm not frightened of intruders. I am afraid of the unexplained.
Does anyone have any advice for me?
There seems to be a lack of understanding from people I've spoken to.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you in advance.

No solid advice but instead a huge handhold, I have developed crushing anxiety over the last few years and it takes over every single aspect of my life and I too can’t see a way out of this constant fear. I do take anti anxiety meds which take the smallest edge off and I’m currently saving for some therapy which I’m hoping will give me my life back. Have you tried therapy before?

I think you need to reach out for some therapy OP. Get to the root of this. Perhaps CBT would help, or perhaps there's some unresolved trauma from childhood or something, or perhaps it's more like CPTSD or something (look it up if you're not sure what that is). If you don't reach out for help things won't change. Thinking of you

I get scared when I'm alone at night as well. I just wanted to say, if you apply for disability benefit they don't necessarily need evidence of mental illness from your GP

That sounds really tough op.
i know taking the meds scare you completely but if you can force yourself to take the sertraline, then it might help. You might need a higher dose than the starter 50mg.

Keep going back to the gp. You need help and you are only going to get the therapy etc if you make a nuisance of yourself. The squeaky wheel gets the oil.

Good luck

I’m probably barking up completely the wrong tree, but have you done an assessment for ocd? The high levels of anxiety you describe reminds me of when I was at my worst point with it, the entire world was a place of terror.

I've taken sertraline and it was a lifesaver for my pnd, if you could mentally find a way to start taking it it could really help tone down a bit of the anxiety to help you focus on how to get to a better place mentally.

I am really sorry to hear how hard you are finding life right now. I wonder if you could trust your GP and try to follow their advice? Not following it is not working for you by the sounds of it

Thank you all for your responses.
I am going to try to take the sertraline tomorrow and get started on it. I have read it increases anxiety when you first take it. Has anyone experienced this increase in anxiety?
My GP gave me a link to arrange some therapy. I have had therapy before and didn't find it helped. Maybe it would help now that I'm more aware of what triggers me, ie the dark and being alone.
For years, I didn't know what I was afraid of, I was just consumed by the fear to the point that I couldn't process what triggered it. I was just in a freeze mode where I couldn't think of anything except taking the next step.
To the person who said it takes over every single aspect of your life, I absolutely couldn't agree more!
I envy people who go through life not giving much thought to what time it is, how safe they are, what could happen, how long until sunrise, what time sunset is, what will they do if they encounter a threat of any kind throughout the day.

I know down to the minute what time sunset is every single day. Today it was 7.42pm and it got dark at 8.17pm. This is how i live, every single day! It is horrendous to live like this!
It does help to tell myself that I am surrounded by people where I live. I have neighbours. I tell myself that people are awake and out there. That helps.

I imagine childhood trauma plays a part in this, yes.

I'm reluctant to apply for disability benefits because my daughter couldn't vouch for me even if she was aware of my difficulties because she is elective mute and wouldn't be able to speak to anyone. Without evidence, what would I do?
Disability benefits rely on someone supporting you to tell their perspective of your struggles don't they? What happens if you don't have anyone who can tell their perspective? Or when you don't have any support at all? Who verifys what you are struggling with then?
I would actually love to go to work, be amongst people and so I wouldn't be on my own without relying on my daughter so much, but I can't be out of the house on my own most of the time or at all when it's dark without the most dreadful fear, whether its early or late in the day and during the winter months, this means my days are very short if my daughter and i go anywhere.
Until recently, my daughter came with me but now she is forming friendships independently of me and I'm pleased for her but it leaves me struggling.
Some days, I feel like I can go out alone and I push myself to, heart pounding, sweat dripping off of me, but i force myself to do it when i can because i heard it helps the anxiety. I have been pushing myself for years and years and I can't say I feel much better for it. I can still only go to familiar places with my daughter or my local shop once in a while on my own.
When i do venture out, I come across people and don't feel so alone seeing people in the street, but more often than not, I stay indoors or only go out with my daughter.
For a long time, I couldnt contemplate asking for help because I didn't want anyone to think I wasn't capable of looking after my daughter, but now she is a teenager, I have bitten the bullet and gone to the GP, who has prescribed the sertraline.

I haven't had an assessment for OCD. I am open to this though. How would I go about it? Do I ask the GP to refer me to anyone specifically?

OP, big hugs to you. I suggest therapy too, it may be helpful to face these fears but to do so you need to be fully resourced and supported. A therapist will help you to put a foot in the past and untangle the fears from the past and process them, while keeping you in the present so that you have the support of the therapist and all of your adult mindset that will help you to feel safe, so you can reassure that part of you that has/had the fear, process the fear and store it away properly, so that it no longer troubles you in the present.
I’m not an expert but I am starting to believe that ND people are predispositioned to perhaps respond more strongly to negative events. It sounds like you are frequently in the grip of fight/flight/freeze, when your body is flushed with adrenaline.
I’m not sure if it will be helpful to you but when I
you are anxious and afraid, it may be helpful to notice that it is only one part of you that has the feeling. The part that notices you having the feeling - often what people call the self - isn’t the part that’s having the feeling. Noticing this can take away some of the immediacy of being gripped in the fear and then the more mature you that is better able to cope with things can give the anxious you some reassurance and help calm the fight/flight/freeze adrenaline response. It might make a difference? If you google IFS therapy, this will probably bring up a lot of the theory, and there are books written about it although I would recommend finding a therapist since having that support as you work through your feelings would be invaluable.
Big hugs, and please be kind to yourself.

edited to say - you could try EMDR therapy, which can work very quickly to stop the fear response, in a couple of sessions. DS had a couple of sessions after being assaulted, and it stopped him from feeling terrified, dizzy and nauseous when he saw anyone with the same hair colour as his attacker. (He is now a v happy, extroverted young man, such a relief after a couple of years of school refusal and not being able to cope with social situations). It is possible to get through it.

OP please try for therapy. I would also ask for blood tests to check your various vitamin levels! E.g. you might be low on vitamin D or something that is easyish to fix but if it's off whack could affect you a great deal. Also one thing I have found super helpful for anxiety is magnesium supplement, as well as ashwaghanda supplement. Obv check with your GP before you take anything. Are you perimenopausal? If you're around anything from mid 30s to mid 50s yu could be, if so could that be making things 10 x worse? HRT might be a big help for you.

Have you tried beta blockers?

I think your right. It sounds like OCD. It's intrusive thoughts isn't it

I am not diagnosed with OCD but I am diagnosed with autism and adhd

I am constantly frightened. I see death / death traps everywhere. I am in constant fear for my children's lives and constantly worried they will die. I worry DS will choke at school and they won't be able to help him. I worry that even writing down my fears will make them come true.

It was a lot worse when they were babies I would wake up in the night and mornings worried they would be blue and had died.

Now I've thought about it, I have the overwhelming urge to go upstairs and check their still alive.....I have to force myself to not go and check because it just makes the intrusive thoughts worse.

OP could you get a dog? I am scared of the dark and scared of being in the house at night on my own, the dog has made me feel so secure. He barks if there's a knock on the door and he doesn't like mem so I feel a lot better with him around

I can relate,in the same boat to some extent,plus same diagnosis.
Apply for pip ,and make sure you write down everything you just told us .
You don't need anyone to vouch for you on it ,just be honest how everything effects you ,send a copy of your autism diagnosis report if you can
Get to the doctor's,tell them what you told us ,and get signed of work as medically unfit to work ..that will stop you worrying about money when UC for your daughter stops .
That is what the benefits system is for ,to help people who genuinely can't work ,and right now ,you genuinely can't.
A lot of what you describe,will be your autism..
It's a spectrum and effects everyone differently,this fear and panic of being alone is simply how it effects you.
Propranolol is a great help to me ,I just take it when my anxiety is overwhelming me ,it's not a take every day medication,it definitely calms me down enough to function
NHS offer talking therapy,I'm on about my 5 th lot ...not sure it helps ,but my doctor tells me to do it ,as it might help ,so I do.
When someone thinks of themselves as low support needs autistic,.due to heavy masking ..it can't be difficult to change that narrative and actually show yourself enough to ask for help.
But help is there
You have to be brave enough to show your struggling, there is benefits and therapy ,you just need to be honest to access them .
You must push yourself forward to get the help and support you are entitled to ,for your daughter's sake ,so she doesn't become your carer in the future.
Good luck x

I am hypervigilant.
I ruminate automatically constantly.

I imagine childhood trauma plays a part in this, yes.

When there's danger around it makes sense, to the mind, to be constantly alert and to react to any and all possible threats. It's doing this not to hurt you, but to protect you, because it doesn't know that the circumstances have changed.

It's similar to the person who won't get into a car because they were once in an accident, or the person who was frightened by a dog when they were little and develops a lifelong fear of all dogs. In your case however the danger perhaps came in different forms so your mind feels it's safer to see threats everywhere.

It IS possible to change the way you think, by letting that part of the mind know it can stand down because that danger no longer exists.

Wow. I could have written this myself about the struggles you have put. I've also spent years being terrified of anything and everything. Being along and nigh time are massive triggers for me also. As well as driving, going out anywhere really. I am diagnosed with GAD, and OCD. A diagnosis for OCD might be worth pursuing. I receive a dosability benefit based on my OCD and anxiety but I do also have fibro. But I'm certain I was awarded on the basis of my mental health struggles. I think it's worth applying. You don't need anyone to vouch for you really. They will speak to your GP but that's ok. I didn't even send any evidence. I just detailed exactly how my life is and things that I avoid and how it makes me feel and how it affects me. For example, you need someone to be present to be able to shower. If no one is home, you can't shower. This is the kind of thing that will get you awarded anyway. Worth a try. Just know your not alone and you don't sound insane. You explained everything perfectly. I also can't take anxiety meds because I'm scared I will die. Death seems to be one of my themes that consumes me and controllers my life. I don't have any advice really. I just didn't want to read and run as your post resonated with me and I felt Ike I could just burst into tears.