splitting family due to PDA child

[fishtank12345]

Hello

Had no idea where to post this, but since all of our mental health is affected then I chose this.

I married a funny laid back man when I was 24. Big gentle giant type. Fast forward I am now 40, we have had 2 autistic kids, 1 is PDA, and my dh is clearly actually autistic... I noticed him deteriorating back when the eldest was born but ignored it all as I was just in survival, that has gotten worse. It runs in his family I have come to notice (I have no involvement in his family as they were mean, I should have known the red flags were there but I have no healthy family or relationships to compare it to so I didn't realise what I should have been looking for in a partner...)

My eldest is 11 and my youngest is under age 5 and they don't get on, eldest hates youngest so makes it clear and since youngest is autistic not pda more adhd profile, then she hits her grumpy sibling and the cycle is just so awful, its affecting my youngest behaviour. Its daily misery.

My eldest has said how much she hates us and hates herself so much and I wont type the other devastating things a pda person can say.

I am getting more and more destroyed by the day, I have to home ed her as she hasn't been able to cope in school we tried 3 different schools over a period of a few years.

I have now taken the decision to move into my mums who is close by, This brings it own problems of course but I need to separate the kids as much as possible for all our wellbeing as my eldest is in a bad way. If you know PDA you know this to be true.

Anyone else having to split the family up for this type of thing ?

I don't actually want to be even married anymore, We have no marriage and he just annoys me as he so weak and useless. We have no sex life. I want to be alone and bring my kids up co parenting (I will be with them all day, just most evenings I will not be sleeping here, especially at weekends when dad home for eldest so I don't need rush back and will of course taKe my eldest out too on her own still)

I have spent the day crying. Well, many months , actually 2 years...

As another PDA mum in a similar situation I just wanted to send you a virtual hug x I've nowhere to run to, no life of my own due to home educating my PDA child who's with me all of the time, my youngest I feel is also a PDAer but presents very differently struggles with school avoidance which is a whole other struggle so please know that you're not alone.

Sending a huge hug. Newbold Hope has a support group for parents that may be helpful. Would you take your youngest with you?

Yes I am taking youngest as the whole idea is to separate them as many nights as possible. Im exhausted. Im heartbroken too. I'll still need to deal with it during the working week so its not a complete split off. My marriage is dead though.

Thanks, good to know that I'm not alone. Hugs back to you as well 🤗

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I hope you don't feel like a failure here, we are conditioned to believe the happy nuclear family is the ideal way to be. I think you're taking the right steps forward, an equilibrium will be found and a new normal. This bit is painful but it doesn't have to be the dead end I think you see it as. We do what we need to do, especially as parents of ND kids. Just try to give yourself some grace, it will be OK, maybe not for a while but it will be in the end.

I think you’re making a positive decision; you’re protecting your youngest child, you may make life a bit less stressful for your oldest child (this is no disrespect to your youngest it’s just about competing needs) and hopefully you can restore your health a bit. If it doesn’t work out you can move back or think again.

Absolutely. Thank you.

Thank you its definitely worth the try.

Thank you that's very encouraging, yes I feel like a total failure and need to work on myself mentally because I know I am not in control of my child.