I'm putting this in the mental health section, rather than the work section, as it relates more to me personally as a problem.
My workplace, depending on who I'm on shift with, can be very toxic and bullying. One of the problems is that I struggle to advocate for myself,or stand up when I'm being bullied. There's no management help at all, and we're without a direct manager right now anyway until someone's found for the role. This has allowed those with the more obnoxious personalities to bully, override and generally be more mean to the others more like me, who are quieter and just want to get on with our work.
There's a lot of gossip, backstabbing and toxicity. I've found it very hard to stand up for myself without crumbling internally. The general bitchiness got so bad a few days ago that I excused myself to go to the loo and had a cry. I feel ashamed of myself for being so pathetic, I'm fifty years old ffs, this stuff shouldn't be getting to me!
I like the job and plan to stay there long term, but I've already had to take a step down from m original position after I had a month off with stress (went from prison officer to the next band down, so support role away from the prisoners). It was great for the first few weeks but now it feels like schoolyard.
I try to stay out of the cliques and gossip, but it would be nice to make connections, as some of my colleagues feel like people I could really get along with. When certain team members are together it's great but when I see I'm working with certain others, I know it's going to be bad.
We are also going to have a shift pattern change soon, so I may be spending longer hours every day with these people. I need resources for personal resilience, how to stand up to "mean girls" half my age without feeling my stomach churning. Due to childhood abuse, I find standing up for myself in an acceptable manner really hard; my voice quakes,my hands shake, I feel like I could collapse if standing because my knees go weak. It's pathetic!
Any good books or online resources for strengthening one's resilience and dealing with adult bullies effectively would be great.
Hopefully, if we get a manager soon, this might be dealt with, but that would depend on who that person is. The main candidate isn't known for being able to deal well with this sort of thing and is more a "sort it out among yourselves " kind of person.