I’m the youngest of 5 siblings by a decade or more. A surprise or shock baby for my parents. By the time I came a long my parents were financially comfortable as my father’s business took off so my older siblings and I grew up in financially very different circumstances. We ended up with a cultural, generational and socio-economic gap.
This coupled with my parents being unable to manage emotionally created problems. It was a difficult childhood were I was bullied by my older brothers and constantly compared to my golden child sister. I know there are much more difficult circumstances to grow up in and I have a lot of privilege but I realised in my mid 20s after being away from home for a few years how unhealthy my childhood family dynamic was. I now know my brothers are narcissistic and after our father passed away 3 years ago they seem to have become worse.
I have attempted to be low contact with my siblings and still see my mother who is getting old and is on her own. This means I occasionally see my siblings and their wider families as they live in the same town as her.
On a recent visit I slightly lost it when one of my brothers came to visit. He has stepped up his behaviour by spreading rumours about made up rude things or a rude attitude that me and my husband have said to him or his family. My mother told me about his gossiping (why??! - on some level I feel she is drawn to creating drama). Anyway, I have been good at being able to not engage too much for my own sanity.
However on this occasion my brother tried to give me a bundle of cash (a power move?) as a gift for my children. It was an unnecessarily large amount and considering he barely knows them and we are no longer close or in contact much it felt wrong. His gesture made me lose it and I got angry. I blurted out many of the things he’s done over the years that were hurtful - a completely pointless thing to do and yet I did. I feel so stupid for getting caught up in his and my toxic families nonsense again. Also the whole thing keeps playing in my head. I feel bad.
I sent my brother an apology message after the incident as I genuinely regretted what I said. There was no reply and I didn’t expect one. I just felt that my shouting and saying all these things from the past was unnecessary. He had shouted back too and said some upsetting things like calling me insecure, confused, disrespectful and bitter for bringing up the past. I felt like he once again got me exactly where he wanted me - framed as the terrible crazy family member and him as a victim. He compared me to other siblings with examples of how respectful they are towards him. He’s the eldest in the family and has been entirely supported financially by my parents as they bought him a business that he runs with their help.
I just need to get this off my chest. I currently can’t afford therapy but I do feel a few sessions would help me work through these feelings and issues.
I have always had to downplay anything that happened as I’ve grown up in closed family system where nothing is discussed but it’s all gossiping behind backs and maintaining a happy family facade. There are also a lot of expectations. My parents have created these monsters unknowingly and I feel like I am a monster too. Especially the way I lashed out and my lack of self respect + low self esteem.
I have managed to break the cycle to an extent as I have a more open relationship with my children where we discuss and acknowledge each others feelings and perspectives, listen, acknowledge and apologise if necessary. I just feel that my relationship with myself could be better. This last interaction with my brother has left me unsettled.
All I had to do was politely take his cash and not make a drama like he wanted.
First world problems but problems nonetheless:)