I’m an absolute fucking mess and it’s all my own fault

[Underapolarbear]

In no particular order this is the wreckage of my life

1. my marriage is sexless, emotionally empty and soulless. He won’t engage in counselling
2. I’ve been sexting and planning an affair with a guy who has now ghosted me and I’m shamefully still messaging to find out what happened
3. my anxiety has shot through the fucking roof and I had to leave work this afternoon
4. I cannot stop crying
5. I can’t stop thinking about killing myself
6. I’ve lost a fuckton of weight under the guise of improving my health but in reality I’ve lost my appetite because of all the stress
7. I’m already having counselling and on antidepressants and exercising and I don’t drink so I’m at a total loss of what I can do
8. I’ve always suspected that maybe I’m just not cut out for ’life’ and that I will probably end up killing myself
9. I have plenty of good friends who I talk to about it but it doesn’t help
10. I’ve desperately been trying to feed my soul and try to plug the gaps but it’s not working. I’m just papering over the cracks and it’s all falling apart

I called the GP. this afternoon but no appointments. I can’t bear the thought of speaking to the Samaritans.

I don’t even know why I’m posting. Accountability I suppose.

I'm sorry you are going through all this.
When you say you think about killing yourself, are you making plans or is it vague thoughts?
Do you have a history of mental health issues?
It might be that you are unhappy in the situation you are in and until that changes you won't feel happy. Are you planning to leave your marriage?

ive called the Samaritans twice. I wasn’t quite suicidal but desperately sad and helpless, I couldn’t see happiness or a way out. It really helped calm me down. I would call them. They’re so good to turn to

Contact Talking Therapies - they will help. Get the form filled in and you will get a call within days for them to assess you.

Well done for reaching out here.

There is nothing you’ve written that cannot be altered, other than ending your life. If you do that then your family & friends will wish you’d asked for their help & question what more they could have done if you’d let them. I say this with kindness & experience of losing a dear friend.

• With a counsellor- consider whether leaving your marriage would help your situation?
• You can’t change the outcome with the other person, however, in time you will be able to meet someone new who you feel emotionally connected with if that’s what you want.
• Make an urgent gp app- if too today, then asap- stress on the phone that it is needed the same day. Your feelings may be bring worsened by hormones, or perhaps you need to change meds.
• Reach out to a friend now so you aren’t alone 💐💐💐
• If you have plans to harm yourself tonight, then go to A&E or call your local MH crisis line. If you are able to share where you are I will look up phone numbers.

I do have plans but I’m not going to put them into practice. It just makes me feel better thinking I have the option.
I had depression when I was at university and took overdoses a couple of times but since then I’ve generally been fine. I developed anxiety 4 years ago but with the medication I got better.
I haven’t a fucking clue what to do about my marriage. It was the main reason I started counselling to try and organise my thoughts but I didn’t consider that my husband wouldn’t engage at all and it would all be down to me.
then O allowed myself the distraction of this other guy and it’s clearly his ghosting that has just triggered me to spiral. I know something needs to change.

I so tired of talking to people about it. I just want to be alone.

Try and get referral to crisis team op. Wishing you all the best

I should have seen this coming. I’ve been talking to people and I can hear myself getting more and more frantic. I’ve been exercising so much trying to purge the feelings but I should have realised this was going to happen. I’m not sleeping either which is not helping.

So being rejected by this guy has brought up some difficult feelings or has pushed you over the edge? Do you feel rejected in your marriage as well?
What's more of a problem now anxiety or depression?
What is the situation now with your DH, does he know how unhappy you are?

Yes I think the rejection has probably pushed me over the edge and there is definitely a feeling of rejection in my marriage.

I would say the anxiety is the biggest problem and it’s really caught me off guard. I thought I was coping but clearly I was masking.
I have told DH how unhappy I am but he checked out of our marriage years ago and doesn’t seem to care any more.

I'm sorry your husband has checked out of your marriage that's a horrible place to be. No wonder you saught validation somewhere else and it was painful when he ghosted you.
Would you say you are spiralling now, anxiety wise?

Agree with this

I’ve called the Samaritans too, they have helped regulate me when I’ve been inconsolable. They are extremely good, it sounds like you need to talk and know you’re not alone, there’s always someone to listen. ❤️🌹

Thank you all for talking me down. Thursday was an awful day. I’m less frantic than I was but I’m really, really down. I spoke to the GP and they advised to up my sertraline and I need to wait for that to have an effect.

I can’t stop thinking about the guy who ghosted me and beating myself up about how naive I’ve been. I genuinely thought he was a friend, and I know that when people ghost it says more about them than me, but surely it means I am a terrible judge of character? And I believed everything he said. Does that make me stupid?
And all these thoughts are making any future plans so awful. If I split with my husband what hope is there for me if that’s what’s out there? I’m 46 and I feel like my life is over. I can’t imagine having someone love me or even having sex with anyone again. I had no libido for years then met the ghost and really, really fancied him. And then I broke all my own rules and sent nudes and explicit messages, and I feel like such an idiot. Old, naive, stupid, and a terrible, terrible person because I’m married and I’m upset about a fuck buddy.

“Old, naive, stupid, and a terrible, terrible person”

No, this isn’t you. This is some wicked brain nonsense playing silly buggers with you. Call it hormone imbalance- whether that’s stress hormones or sex hormones- is just chemicals messing up your thinking.

What you are, is sad and lonely.

antidotes-
-consider hrt. mid 40s is a perfect time for peri, declining hormones making you anxious and low.
-build a life outside your marriage, get your loneliness addressed there- not an affair, far too stressful, but prioritise friends and relationships outside your house and husband. Give up on him, it’s less upsetting when you stop trying.
-spoil yourself. Treat yourself to little things that make you feel good. Posh coffee, new lipstick, hobby equipment.

Basically he’s a waste of time, so ‘buy yourself flowers’.

Yes to HRT - you may have to fight for it though (I did, 44)

I am off dating (bad expereince on apps) and trying to love myself first

OP you're not the problem here and your life isn't nearly the disaster you seem to think it is. You have a job, you have good friends, you have a roof over your head. Your problem is actually men, your husband and this other stupid guy - you're looking to men to make you happy rather than being happy and then looking for a man to join you in your happiness.

The marriage isn't happy and is never going to be happy because you can't change your husbands behaviour, you can only change yours. Being single has got to be better than this misery surely? So what if you're on your own, at least you won't have to look at his miserable face any more and that has got to make it easier to be a better person!

Sorry to hear this

do you have kids?

if not, I would get signed off stress from work and fly to Thailand or Bali and do a yoga or fitness retreat. See how you feel there and then. Get offline if you can. Cold turkey on phone. A proper reset.

also I don’t mean to sound dismissive but if you really are getting suicidal this might be the time to time to use savings or take a loan for an amazing holiday

I agree.
a bag pack and an eat pray love adventure is needed

I just want to give an update and say a huge thank you to all who commented on my thread. I was in a desperate place - definitely at a crisis point and having an anonymous place to say out loud my intrusive thoughts was invaluable.

I did see the doctor in the end and have started HRT…they were reluctant to start me on it until I saw any affect of the sertraline, but I pushed for it and got it. Mentally I’m feeling much more balanced.

My husband and I have agreed to separate and we’re now just working through the logistics of him moving into his parents house.

I’ve increased my hours at work so I should be able to keep the house and while I’ve not yet had my Eat, Pray, Love moment, I am working my way through my bucket list!

Thank you again to all who helped, and for anyone who has come across this thread who might be going through something similar, please know it can be a dark and difficult time but you will get through this.

Wow! Amazing update, well done! What a difference. I’m sure it’s been tough, but I’m really glad you can see the way forward now 💐

You’ve been massively brave. I am so pleased to hear you’ve passed the moment of crisis and are getting on with things. Wishing you every happiness.