Im having a bad day so im going to type it all out.

[CosyNavyLeader]

I hate how much of a failure I feel I am.

I want to be the mum who wakes up full of energy, ready to bake cakes, arts and crafts, Lego.

But I can't. I struggle to get out of bed.

I find myself scrolling though my phone to escape reality, instead of being present with my children.

I find myself looking forward to the weekend so I can enjoy some wine. Something adult.

I love my children with every inch of myself. But sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am anymore.

How can I snap out of this and be more present. They grow up so fast and I am going to beat myself up that I didn't make the most of it.

My husband works long hours so I'm often just with my children for company. Its difficult sometimes to fully engage yourself with conversations with children. They are beautiful, funny children. But there's only so much I can keep up with before it gives me a headache, talking about kiddy stuff all day.

What kind of things do you do with your children that don't seem overwhelming or lonely?

I think that sums up how I feel sometimes. Lonely. But I'm an introvert. So I hate socialising. Unless it's with my husband and family (adult family)

Sorry if I sound like an ungrateful awful person. I'm just having one of those days. And sometimes talking it out can make it better.

Number 1 thing you need to do is set your phone up so that you can’t access any social media or waste any time scrolling during the day- only allow this when they are in bed - it’s an absolute waste of time and will be making you feel dreadful. I know you’re not sociable, but to avoid having to entertain them yourself which can be draining, you need to take them to places where they are mixing with other children. Check your local library for activities, I bet there’s loads. Make the most of the remaining good weather and spend as much time as possible outside. Sit in the play area of the park on a blanket with a book while they play. Visit free museums- this will hopefully be mentally stimulating and interesting for you, as well as them. Wherever you go take sandwiches and a bottle of water to save money.

By the way, all the stuff you mention you feel bad about doing - baking, arts and crafts, Lego - all requires a lot of effort and enthusiasm from you. Avoid all this by getting them out of the house and let them be entertained by whatever is going on around them. These at home activities are not what you need right now, your house will end up a tip, kitchen covered in flour etc, it’s quite understandable that you can’t face it. Don’t beat yourself up, you will all feel better if you just make the effort to get out of the house every day.

Good posts from @floppybit. Also, being a SAHP suits very few people. I'd be looking at getting back into the workplace, which is likely to improve your MH exponentially, and of course remove the scrolling compulsion which is making you feel worse.

Thankyou for the replies. Crap weather here today so it's looking like a day in.

Uncle is visiting later on this afternoon. That will both entertain them and give me some adult company.

Hard relate to your post .
really want to stop the mindless scrolling

Be kind to yourself - no one is doing amazing stuff with their kids all the time !
How old are your kids? I used to take mine to feed the ducks, the park, toddler groups (check out churches etc for these ) as well as the library.

Delete SM - not only does it waste time, it will also make you think everyone else is living their best life (reality of course is different)

Get some cheap art and craft bits (NOT glitter :) and junk modelling stuff and do some collages / make rockets etc
Make dens - blankets / duvets and cushions etc
simple baking ?
Chalks - draw on the pavement ?

Also, kids love a walk in the rain, wellies on, jump in puddles etc, the more rain the better!

I am a decade down the line from this but I totally remember feeling like you. I worked part time but in my darkest days I would walk home at the end of my working week dreading the days of entertaining small children in front of me and feel so, so guilty.

I used to work to a principle of one morning activity - could be a group, library trip, park or even a supermarket cafe (found them easier as more space for kids/buggy, less angst if kids were noisy, cried - I felt anonymous and safer compared to the nicer cafes in town) and then set out one home activity and leave out for the day so they can come and go from it (table for play dough/ paint/ sensory whatever) and then aim to keep tv off and me away from phone until 4pm. Some days I made it, some days I didn’t. Sometimes all I did was walk around the block with a toddler pushing a buggy or on a scooter and the baby in the sling and that was our outing. With my last one we used to go and just sit and feed the ducks, she loved them! At the time I felt bad not doing more but these days when I walk past that bench at the pond I feel a happy glow remembering those quiet mornings with her. It got better. I’m a much better parent to pre teens and teens than I was to tiny children. They get way more interesting! It’s ok to find it hard but some structure made me feel like I was at least giving it my best shot!

Definitely do look at part time work or volunteering though. Something to help you feel more in touch with ‘you’ beyond being a mum.

I used to read in the evenings. It gave me something to look forward to and reminded me that I still had a brain.

Forget about baking and crafts - they only generate mess and wear you out.

Make sure your H gives you a decent 4 or more hours off every week in which he will provide high quality solo parenting and mess minimisation. There's nothing more soul destroying than coming home after your Saturday morning off to find the house a stinking tip, hangry children, and a man who is already out the door with his golf clubs and a complete lack of apology for behaving very badly. See if you can join a gym or a walking group.

I have spells where I feel like this, except without feeling guilty! 😂

You're burned out and bored.

Turn the guilt inside out and recognise it as frustration. This will free up a lot of energy. Use that energy to fo some little bits of things that keep you connected to who you are.

I have a DC with SEN who needs A LOT of undivided attention from me, like 24/7, and often wants to control everything I do, and monologues at me every waking moment about Minecraft or Roblox.

I have days where I think I could lie down and cry for a thousand years, I'm so tired and overstimulated.

I spent about 5 minutes once comparing myself unfavourably to all the endlessly patient and selfless SEN mums of IG and felt absolutely dreadful, before snapping out of it and thinking, this is fucking hard, and I haven't spent this much of my life being a person in my own right to be able to just chuck it all away without a regret.

It's completely normal to find it hard, and to want yourself back, and not to enjoy what small children enjoy.

Another thing nobody tells you: the parents who do a lot of Lego and baking and crafts tend to do it because they enjoy it themselves (or don't mind all that much doing it), and have kids who actively enjoy it. It's a nice way for all parties to spend time.

If neither you nor your kids are enthusiastic about Lego or baking or crafts, it's not going to be the low-effort parenting hack we're led to believe, but a messy, tearful, joyless waste of time. Turns out DC and I both hated all those structured activities, but I was pretty good at pretend play with teds, and it didn't make me want to stab my eyes out with crayons by the end of the day.

There will be one or two activities you and your kids can do together for short periods of time without your dying inside of boredom. It's just a matter of finding what they are. PS - it doesn't matter if they involve screens.

Furthermore: kids can endure having a parent who isn't 100% present and engaged all the time.

Many of us were raised by bored housewives, off their tits on Valium, and we turned out all right. Or we were chucked out of the house after breakfast and told not to come home until dinner. This generation is fixated on being obsessively attentive to one's kids in a way that's neither healthy nor realistic, IMO, and it shits all over mums.

Own your frustration rather than turning it against yourself as guilt, take that frustrated energy and channel it towards something that supports your own sense of self, not self-flagellation that you're not baking. If the kids are playing independently, pop an audiobook on while you're doing housework. Keep that connection with who you are, and the things that mattered to you before you were a parent - even if it's just a few minutes a day. It makes a huge difference.

Hang in there!

You could just put them in childcare and get a job thus limiting the amount of time you need to entertain them.

Sorry. I didn't get a notification for any replies until now.

But thankyou. I feel a lot better today. I guess everyone has these horrible down days. And yes, we pressure ourselves too much.

One obstacle I have regarding childcare, is that my husband is not available to help out in any way. He is self employed. If he takes time off, he doesn't get paid. So it would be counterproductive.

We would require paid childcare, with zero help from government.

Luckily my son is a few years away from high school where he will be able to walk home and let himself in with a key, meaning I can work without needing to pay for childcare.

He can surely spare you four hours a week to get away and do something for yourself??? Saturday morning? Sunday afternoon?