Sorry I know this is really long!!
Hi everyone. I am nearly 34 and I have two beautiful children (3 and 6) . I seperated from the kids dad years ago but we had been living together up until last month Co-parenting (well he works away most the time so I was just doing everything he saw the kids maybe once a month most the time ) everyone just assumed we were together as we just got on with things and never really shared our business or had friends around there.
We lived in a large home which we managed to finally sell last month and we split the sale money between us and I moved into a rental property with the kids which I had already set up (I was paying rent and a mortgage but he wouldn’t let me leave) . He currently is looking for a house so is living across the country with his mother and visiting kids when he can.
I’m now living in a town but I’m so close to everything I need and my family live around the corner. I should be happy with this but I feel so sad. I’m scared I’ve messed everything up for the kids futures. I was desperately unhappy in my relationship with the kids dad. We used to argue constantly, he had done some horrible things to me (showed explicit photos of me to all his friends /family) used to call me and my daughter horrid names (one in particular I remember him shouting at my daughter “shut your mouth you little bitch” and constantly called me a “slut/bitch” etc in front of the kids )but apparently he was very sorry etc. I should have just stayed unhappy so the kids could have had a childhood with a mum and dad. I feel like I’m walking around with the two kids and people are judging me for being a single mum. I just feel like everyone thinks because I decided to end the relationship and be on my own with the kids that I’ve messed up their childhood. I feel guilty for wanting to be happy. Before the kids dad I was also in a very unhappy relationship too for ten years. He financially abused me and got me into 20k of fraudulent debt which I couldn’t prove wasn’t mine as he had control of my bank account and was paying it using my salary (which I had no access to)…. I’ve just managed to pay off that debt with my house sale money. All my money worries are gone too. But why don’t I feel happy :-(
My 3 year old has adjusted to the move fine and he’s a real happy chap- but my 6 year old is struggling with the adjustment and her attitude has changed towards me. I’m not sure if it’s just a normal 6 year old though- sass and saying “no “ when I ask for her help. I feel like she hates me right now. She smirks when she sees I’m struggling or sad. I beg them and tell them I’m trying my best but I feel like I’ve failed.
To add even more problems last year - I met an amazing man who I really like and we have an amazing relationship. He’s the man of my dreams. Our relationship is mature, there’s no games. He’s gentle, emotionally mature, he never shouts at me like the kids dad did, never belittles me, he respects me and my body, he never looks at other women, he cooks, we take amazing trips and have amazing experiences together even if we are just out walking it feels magical, he has an amazing job , he doesn’t drink (like kids dad does) , doesn’t take drugs, i am insanely attracted to him ,he is gentle during intimacy, he’s just the most beautiful person I’ve ever met inside and out , he’s very loving , kind , always thinks of me with everything he does and he’s so keen to settle down with me and really wants to meet my kids and be involved with them. He doesn’t have kids himself. I wish I had met him when I was younger and had my life with him. He could have anyone in the world he’s so handsome , way out of my league, but he’s chosen me even though I have two kids .
We have been between long distance and together in person and seeing each other whenever we possibly can due to kids (I’ve not introduced them and he’s been very respectful of my decision to take it slowly) and his job can take him all over the country too . But now I have my own place I am keen to see him more and invite him to stay here. And I really would love the kids to meet him. He grew up with a single mum himself and with many different men at the house so he understands that it is a very delicate process and he doesn’t want to rush it. But he really wants to be part of their lives.
With all this - no money worries, having a house, two kids, the man I’ve always wanted . I’m still unhappy. I still feel uncertain about my future- my kids future. Im scared how the kids dad will react when he finds out about this man too. The kids dad is very petty and childish.
Should I have just stayed living with the kids dad, drowning in debt so that the kids were happy? I could have been unhappy but I was used to it. I was suicidally unhappy…
have I done the right thing by setting up a new life for myself? I feel guilty for being in a relationship so soon and I feel guilty for feeling so happy . I feel guilty every time I feel happiness. Like I don’t deserve it.
Everytime I feel happy I’m worried something bad will happen that will ruin my happy feeling. So is it better to just be miserable .
am I alone in feeling like this? I’d love to hear other people’s experiences as a single parent , maybe even single parents who found love quickly after the seperation .
Part of me has been tempted to tell this new man that he’s better off without me in his life. But I know it’s not true. We compliment each other. Everything feels natural, everything flows, we are so well matched. But everyone will just judge me. I know the kids will adore him. And my family will (they don’t know about him yet, I’m too scared to tell anyone)