My mood is entirely dependent on my son’s

[PopLarkin]

Son is autistic, mid 20s. He went through years of very tricky behaviour, we had months of suicide watch, years of self harm.
He’s now mainly in a better place mentally, has completed uni and is now looking for work. He’s independent which is great.

He does have some days when he’s monumentally low (talking about suicidal thoughts) but then bounces back from that and is fine for longer periods of time.

On the whole his mental health isn’t great, but I feel we’re past the days where it felt dangerous, even though there are days when we need to be much more involved and use various strategies to help him calm down.

I’ve realised that every day my mood, and how I can function, relies on him being ok.
A friend said we were codependent, which I’m trying to take on board, but having been through really traumatic teenage years where there were several times we could have lost him, I feel like I’m (maybe understandably) constantly on high alert, watching for those old familiar patterns, and I can see no way to stop doing that.

I’m on sertraline which has improved my mental health, I’ve had NHS therapy which felt a bit rushed and wasn’t helpful at all, I can’t afford private therapy. I’m really not sure how to tackle this when it doesn’t feel like a situation where I can start to relax about him.

Any advice? Any tips how I can maintain the support he needs whilst distancing myself a bit?

There's a part of your subconscious mind that's taken on the task of always being – as you say – on high alert for danger and looking for signs. That was a very useful strategy only a few years ago but now it is (or is becoming) redundant and is getting in the way of your happiness. Remind this part of you that you've coped so far and that you will cope in the future (because humans are brilliant at it) and that it can stand down now. If necessary a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy should help.

You sound like you could be suffering from PTSD and are hypervigilant. Does your son have any other support? A therapist, support worker, support group? Does he know of other ways of seeking help? For example, Young Minds or CALM? Has he done DBT to help him regulate his emotions?

You're not co dependent, you're enmeshed.

I considered ptsd but have been told that unless you’ve suffered a huge traumatic experience it’s not that.
I do feel like there was prolonged trauma for several years, but my GP said no.

My son has found a good friendship group so things are generally much better. When he’s low he avoids contact with others so that’s when I step in to help bring him back to his normal level.

Hypnotherapy could help, I hadn’t thought of that so thank you.

There are different types and levels of trauma, you don’t have to have been in a war zone, even trauma ‘with a little t’ is enough to create a lasting impact. From what you’ve said, you were on high alert to your son becoming suicidal for years. That level of hyper vigilance is hard to switch off by yourself. I’m not sure why your GP said ‘no’, GPs don’t have any relevant training in this area for him/her to make such a pronouncement.

I agree hypnotherapy could be helpful, it was very helpful for me for similar symptoms (different cause though).

Hi - I experienced similar,
teenage child with anxiety / depression / self harm / suicidality
it was a highly traumatic time over a couple of years
things are more settled now, BUT my hyper vigilance is still on high alert to the little signs that things are not / may not be OK -
my reaction to fluctuations in my DD’s mood / life are disproportionate now because of what we went through before
an example would be hearing my DD laugh and I would think she is sobbing and I would rush to find out what is wrong .. and she would look at me as if to say, what on earth is wrong with you ? !!!
it’s been hard to dial the hyper vigilance / panic response back, but I am trying to train myself to step back, roll with the fluctuations and make sure she knows I’m there when things are not OK
i remind myself that she has learnt a lot through her own journey with mental health recovery
my experience is this takes time and effort to retrain my reaction
I don’t consider I have PTSD - as my symptoms aren’t consistent with a PTSD diagnostic criteria,
but I do have the emotional repercussions of living through a traumatic time of my child’s poor mental health