Can’t stop thinking about it, how can I snap out of it?

[NeedFocus]

Today we went to an indoor climbing place with my 2 kids and husband. I was really looking forward to it but I slightly messed up the first try at coming down abseiling-style - and even though I understood what I got wrong, it was too late and I was “gripped”: I basically couldn’t do it. I tried a few times and no luck. I got so upset with myself that I was crying. I’ve ended up feeling incredibly low and depressed all day and I can’t stop thinking about it.

For context, the last few months have been emotionally taxing as I had to care for my terminally ill father that I didn’t have the best relationship with and away from my family, I’m on HRT for perimenopause and I have not been sleeping well at all for last 10 days.

I know I’m currently over-emotional about everything but is there any way that I can stop obsessing about what happened today?? My husband is off work this week and we’re having a staycation with activities planned and I’m really worried I’m going to feel crap all week and ruin it for everyone.

Dust yourself off. Deep breath. Every day is a new day. Live in the moment. Enjoy all your experiences.

The climbing thing is not a big deal, you are sleep deprived and menopausal, I’ve been there. Try not to worry about it, it’s a tough time in life, but it gets better x

This may sound very simplistic, OP, and I do not in any way wish to down play the tough time you have been through, or minimise your struggles. This is just an idea on how to flip things in your mind.
In your post you are focusing solely on the negative. Sit down with a pen and paper and start writing down the things in your life you are grateful for. Number one might be this week you have ahead of you spending time with your lovely family? You get to do fun stuff together! Keep going writing down everything you have to be grateful for—there will be hundreds of things to choose from.
What happened on the climbing wall is in the past, done with and has no bearing on the present other than what you can learn from it. Abseiling is NOT an easy thing and goes against our survival instinct, so it’s quite understandable to have the reaction you had, don’t punish yourself for it. Be proud of yourself for at least trying, even if you didn’t manage to do it—many people would not even try!

You are sleep deprived. That's enough to make anyone cry at the drop of a hat.

Forget the abseiling. Maybe go back with the kids another time but book an instructor to teach you/help you. Then you'll have done it and won't be afraid again.

The weather is fab. Enjoy the rest of your time off.

I had a crisis of confidence when I was peri and became very sensitive about things. I was early 40s (tbh I don’t think anyone had heard of perimenopause back then). I remember talking to a colleague (in her 60s) who said she remembered that “phase”.

Be kind to yourself.

It sounds like a really difficult time for you, no wonder you're not feeling on top form.

When I can't get something that I've done out of my head, I've got a really daft technique, but it does help. Every time I start obsessing, there's a word I say in my head which is to make me finish that thought immediately. I say bananas to myself! It sounds really daft, but it helps me stop the thought, laugh to myself and move on. Might be worth a try?

Imagine it was your best friend or your sister or your child that had the mishap. Think about what you'd say to them. Say it to yourself.
Imagine yourself as a baby. That baby deserved to be held, and shown love and made to feel safe. You wouldn't berate that baby for having emotions, or finding something hard. You'd show only kindness and tenderness to that baby. Why would you deserve that less now?

Anxiety is the WORST. You have my sympathy and empathy - I've been there. Longer-term, I find a gratitude journal where I write 8 things every day that I'm grateful for/proud of including things like beautiful moments (baby smiling up at mum in their buggy, flowers in bloom, cleaning the whole house with only 4 breaks, whatever) and also mindfulness meditation are both really helpful for my mood. And running which I HATE but really really helps me. None of which I'm doing at the moment... must get back on that!

Oh just to add - I've actually had that exact same thing happen with climbing not that long ago. It's SO MUCH SCARIER than when I was in my 20s! I'm going to try again soon though. Probably...

@Oopsthatismyrealnameyes, I did some abseiling in my 20s as well with no issue! My husband, who used to rock climb a lot, said that abseiling IRL is easier because you feel your own weight holding you but the pulley system in those centres work differently/ more like a car safety belt. So when you first push off, you are effectively free falling - albeit for a very very short amount of time and then the mechanism kicks in. Having said that, as I have got older, I’ve developed a real issue with heights. Not sure what that’s about except maybe a symptom of heightened emotions.

The strangest thing about this is that I usually have no issue if I struggle with something like this. I’m not a super proud person who feels she has anything to prove! It’s like I got scared by the height and frustrated I couldn’t pushed through, and my state of mind just took me into this maelstrom of ridiculous emotions.

Will try the gratitude thing and also to focus on enjoying my time with my family. Am certainly lucky to have a very loving and understanding husband, for a start!

I'd also think of what a good example you can set to your children - you did something you weren't good at and you got frustrated and upset, which is a really familiar situation for kids to be in.

Now you can model overcoming that upset and having another go to prove to yourself that you can do it and to show that getting something wrong once is just a part of learning and it's something we still do as adults. Treat yourself like you'd treat your kids - remind yourself that it's just a part of learning and that it's fine to get upset so long as you don't wallow in it.

What if this had happened to one of your kids? Would you be giving them such a hard time? You've been dealing with all sorts of shit and this was just the straw that broke the camels back. Show yourself the sort of kindness you'd show your kids.

I could tell you a few times I've behaved just like this - it is raw for a bit but it will fade. Give yourself a break.

You didn’t have a bad day, you had a bad 15 minutes and chose to indulge it. (Read that quote today. Meant with kindness not judgement)

That's true.

You suffer more in your imagination than you do in reality.

I don’t know if this will help but this strategy helps me when I obsess over something that went wrong. Brains are constantly in threat detection, problem solving mode trying to keep you alive. So there is an evolutionary purpose to revisiting that memory over and over as your brain is trying to solve a problem. But that problem doesn’t exist right now. So when I notice that I am once again thinking about what I mess up I try to say to myself “thank you brain for trying to solve a problem but right now I am doing other stuff so let’s focus on that” . And if I can’t let the thought go then I do some grounding stuff “5 things I can see, 4 things I can feel, 3 I can hear, 2 I can smell and then a deep breath”. I hate that brains do this - it’s living two lives at the same time - the current one and the imagined one - exhausting!

If I could put it out of my mind and not indulge it, as you put it, then I wouldn’t be posting here, asking for ways to not indulge it. It’s basically like some weird intrusive thoughts. That quote, no matter how kindly meant, is the equivalent of telling a depressed person to cheer up.

@PandyMoanyMum thank you, I will try this!

There was no suffering involved in the experience. I absolutely know that rationally and in the past, it really isn’t the kind of thing that would have bothered me. I would have been perfectly happy to say “oops, looks like I can’t manage this, never mind, maybe I’ll try again another time.”

If only emotions could respond to rational thought that easily…