Terrified about newly adult child

[Wateringinaheatwave]

DS is just 18, just finished school. Has struggled with suicidality and self harm this year, and although I adore him, I know that our family situation is profoundly unhelpful for him at the moment.

I simply don't know what to do. I don't know where he can go, what he can do. This isn't just a question of getting past tonight, even though that feels impossible. It's about what on earth can change. He can't leave home - he's far too vulnerable. But home is toxic for him. I have no idea what to do.

I think my feelings mirror his. If he gets through tonight, what will tomorrow bring?

Why is home toxic for him?

If home is toxic for him, why aren't you doing anything about it?

Can you and he find a place together? Even a refuge might feel safer than home, but without more info it's difficult to advise.

If home is toxic for him then he should leave.
If that's what's causing the issues he needs to be away from it. Some space and independence and control over his environment will work wonders for him.
Why do you view him as too vulnerable?
What are his plans moving forward? More study of some type or working or travelling or what?
Help him make some good plans for his future instead of catastrophising.
I know it must be so hard for you.. but you are there to help him have confidence in himself. So many people experience mental health problems in their lifetime.. particularly in their teens. This is something he can move through with the right support. He has his whole life ahead of him.

Can you change your home situation to help him?

If he's in crisis contact NHS Direct option 2 and speak to the mental health team. Ask about a crisis house which will get him away from the toxic atmosphere while you look into other options.

Young Minds has a good helpline. Rethink also has a good helpline. Hub of Hope is a search facility for local services. I know you said he's too vulnerable to live alone but is there a friend or family member he can live with or rent a room from?

What is toxic about home life ?

@Wateringinaheatwave I’m a mental health nurse. Do you think you can keep him safe tonight? If not, you need to phone 999 if in acute crisis or 111 option 2. Beyond that, has he had any input for his mental health from his GP or mental health services? As he’s 18 he’ll be under the adult community mental health team. Tomorrow you need to contact his GP and ask for immediate support. This may be different things depending on how ill he is. What’s his opinion on his mental health? What does he want to happen?

You haven't explained the issues at home but if it's bad for him he needs to get out of there.

Preferably renting a place with a few close friends or a family member. Maybe a room in a student house.

He can now claim job seekers allowance, will be able to get help with housing but moving out without a good explanation of why looks like voluntary homelessness - I guess you can say you've kicked him out. PIP is worth a look if he's been diagnosed.

Living independently is hard but sounds like it could be better than where he is now.

I think we need more info. Why isn’t toxic at home?

This is probably going to be a drip feed.

Agree, there's been plethora of posts this weekend of totally financially dependent sahms with adult dc, who hate their spouse, but can't leave as they'd then have to work/be independent, but they're of course the victim because x/y/z...

To clarify, I don’t think home is toxic for all of us, but it’s awful for him. Younger siblings have both been diagnosed w autism this year and have ongoing and very significant MH struggles that probably result from late diagnosis.

Basically he needs, IMO, to leave home - ideally not to move too far, but to be out of this really really difficult tumult. But how??? He’s 18, and has deferred as a result of MH difficulties and everything that has been happening. He has no Sept plans, and it’s way harder than anticipated to get any sort of a job at all, let alone one that could possibly allow him to pay rent.

We got past that night. DH slept in his room, and took the younger ones out the next day. And his MH team say they think maybe he ought to restart the sertraline they have been weaning him off.

Can he move into a shared house and claim benefits? Is he entitled to PIP?