To hope from a little more support from DH

[confusedlots]

I’m really struggling mentally at the minute, I have a lot going on with my parents, and unfortunately it all falls to me to deal with as my sibling has pretty much washed their hands of it. It’s is mentally and physically draining and I’ve just been trying to deal with it myself while also caring for my 2 young kids, but it all just broke me this weekend. Exhaustion, feeling guilty that I’m not giving my kids wonderful experiences this summer, anger at my sibling, and I physically could not get out of bed and couldn’t deal with any more.

I’ve never been like that before and no doubt DH didn’t really know what to do, but he just kept telling me to get up and come and do something with the kids because I wasn’t being fair on them, which didn’t really help and just made me feel worse. I explained I just needed a bit of support and not to be made feel worse, but then he just started to have a go at me for not eating any breakfast as I wasn’t going to feel any better if I didn’t eat.

Anyway, he ended up keeping the kids entertained, and I literally was in bed most of the day, not something I’ve done before, but I wasn’t able to do anything. I fell asleep early and didn’t come back downstairs again, and have come down this morning to a dishwasher that was filled up but not turned on, so hardly a dish clean for breakfast, and dirty pots and pans in the sink and sitting on the worktop, and of course he is away to work.

Yes I know I put a lot on him yesterday and probably ruined his day as he would have liked to have been out somewhere enjoying the sunshine, but surely you make the odd sacrifice to ensure your OH is ok? And knowing how physically exhausted I am and that I’ll have to look after the kids on my own all day, I would have hoped he might have thought to turn on the dishwasher or leave the kitchen in a slightly better state.

Just feeling really disheartened because I really need a bit of support right now, but no one seems to want to give it, not even DH.

I’m sorry you’re struggling, but the solution isn’t to just take to your bed all day and leave your DH to juggle everything at the last minute.

I would recommend going to speak to your GP.

Wow helpful first comment for someone feeling like this. Your husband is lacking compassion and empathy, but that’s because he’s on the back foot, and doesn’t know how to behave. It’s also scary for men when we fall apart….. if you need a break you need to ask for it, protecting your mental health as much as possible is the hardest thing to do when you feel like this.
Can you have the children looked after for an hour or so and have a really good chat with him. I think you have to spell it out by really looking him in the eye and saying I need help…. That and calmly explain why your feeling like this, I need to know you can take on etc, without making me feel worse.

@theiblis I’m just speaking from my own experience of burnout and mental health issues - you can’t just stay in bed and opt out of life, especially when you have young children who still need their mum.

If OP is struggling to the point that she can’t get out of bed then she needs support from a professional.

Thanks @theiblisit means a lot just to have some one acknowledge that you’re having a tough time.

@tumblingdowntherabbitholeyes logically I just need to put on my big girl pants and get on with life, but that’s very difficult when your mental health is on the floor and you feel very unsupported by those who are meant to love you.

Anyway, I am feeling a little better this morning after having a good sleep and a shower. I’m going to take the kids out and get some fresh air, and try to be kind to myself.

I'm glad you're feeling better and never meant to suggest it was easy, so I'm sorry if it came across that way.

Maybe sit down with your DH tonight and speak to him about what you want and need from him going forward.

My dh was a bit like this as he didn’t struggle with mental health or juggling so many things. What helped was me telling him what I find useful and not useful in these situations. He tried to do his best after that and I always acknowledged when it had been tricky for him and thanked him.

Well we got out of the house for a few hours which has definitely helped a bit. And the kids seem to have a fun day even though it was quite low key. I am physically exhausted now though, having a rest for half an hour until I need to get up again and make dinner and put on some washing and generally try my best to keep the house ticking over without feeling overwhelmed. It is hard when it takes so much mental and physical effort just to compete a simple task.

The worst bit is the guilt I feel, guilt for not keeping on top of the housework resulting in the kids not knowing where some of their things are, guilt for not taking them out every day and organising lots of play dates. But I know I can’t change any of what has already happened, so I just need to concentrate on improving my mental health and hopefully that will make things easier.