Sorry long post.
In 2017, I entered into a relationship that would ultimately become abusive. Over the course of eight years, we had three children, twins and a singleton.
Throughout that time, I bore the entire financial and emotional burden alone.
My partner contributed nothing financially, not during either pregnancy or the maternity leaves that followed. He lived in my home rent-free whilst I worked to keep a roof over our heads, provide for our children, and cover all costs for baby essentials, clothes, and general living expenses.
As time passed, the relationship became increasingly toxic. I grew resentful of the imbalance, and he responded by becoming controlling and coercive. His behaviour escalated into verbal abuse, aggression, and violence. He isolated me from friends, restricted my movement, at times locking me inside the house, and purposely sabotaged my career and income. He frequently used aggressive, derogatory language that slowly chipped away at my confidence and self-worth.
One of my twins is neurodivergent and has struggled significantly, especially in a household filled with tension. Despite advice from professionals, their father refused to acknowledge her needs and continued to parent through aggression, an approach harmful to any child, but especially damaging for a neurodivergent one. I’ve worked so hard to educate myself to understand and support her particular needs, and have managed that journey totally alone.
Thankfully, we were never married and the house is solely in my name. One day, whilst he was at work, I made the decision to change the locks and took the children to my father’s house. I blocked all contact and for the first time in years, I felt relief. He was out of our lives.
Unfortunately, turning to my father for support reignited an old trauma I thought I had left behind.
My relationship with my Dad had been deeply strained growing up. I left home at 16 due to his emotionally abusive and critical behaviour, and we’ve had minimal contact since. But in desperation, I reached out, hoping he could provide short-term safety for my children and me. He insisted he had changed and acknowledged all the wrong he had put me through and promised he would do everything in his power to make up for his past mistakes.
Soon after arriving, I was met with criticism. My ND daughter, under stress, can sometimes lash out. I follow professional guidance on how to manage these moments, remaining calm, consistent, and patient. But my Dad didn’t understand this. He saw it as poor parenting and was vocal about his disapproval. He told me my daughter has total control over me, simply because I do everything to quell the triggers by means of being calm and supportive, to ease her dysregulated state. It usually works…
He began favouring my other two children, particularly the youngest, and my ND daughter sensed this. She grew quiet, withdrawn, and couldn’t make eye contact with him, her typical response when she feels unsafe or uncomfortable. One day, after he closed a patio door behind her, leaving her teddy on the other side, she ran into the glass in distress and bumped her head. He dismissed it completely, saying, “Kids bang their heads all the time,” and again blamed my “poor parenting” for her reaction and at my absolute shock and upset at what had just happened, plus my concern that she had hurt herself.
Eventually, I couldn’t stay silent. I confronted him about his behaviour, both past and present, and told him of the pain he caused me growing up. His response was more criticism, more defensive and derogatory remarks about who I am, both as a person and a mother. This, despite the fact that I’ve built a successful professional career and a stable home, thanks in part to the support of my late best friend’s parents, who took me in as a teenager. I really do my upmost to be the parent I yearned for and never had.
The tension became unbearable. I left with my three children and checked into a hotel, where we stayed for two weeks whilst I waited for a Non-Molestation Order and a Prohibited Steps Order to be granted. It wasn’t safe to return home until those protections were in place.
This all happened three months ago, but the emotional toll still lingers.
I feel constant anxiety and a deep, sick feeling in my stomach. It’s as though all the trauma I experienced as a child was reignited. Despite years of therapy and self-work, this experience has triggered something raw and painful in me.
My mother passed away 24 years ago and I have no other family I can truly rely on, I’ve often felt alone, but I’ve always done my best for my children. I continue to try to break the cycle, to be the safe, loving parent they need.
I just wanted to share my experience and hear others’ thoughts, whether anyone else has been through something similar, or simply to validate that what I’ve gone through matters. Because right now, even though I know I’ve made the right decisions, I still feel shaken by it all.