Having a big struggle, don't know where to turn now

[mylittlepudding]

I've held off posting here for ages because I feel I should be more support in this topic.

The background: mum to a delightful DD aged 17 months, currently doing single parenting in the week and some weekends, I also work full time in a stressful hospital based job. I have bipolar disorder - controlled well since DD on venlafaxine and lithium.

I have been sinking for a few weeks. I have a CPN, and saw her today, and I feel loads worse. She told me basically that I am doing great but I don't feel like it. Full stop.

Don't get me wrong, I know there are many with my condition who would love to be well enough to be in my situation. Getting back to work was hard - I applied for lots and lots of jobs and it's a competitive field. And it has made me feel more positive than I remember for a long time.

I am trying to do all the right stuff. Exercise. Eat regularly and well (well, ok-ish). Lithium is at a therapeutic level. But I think about self harm and suicide daily, and more disturbing (to me) I just want to run away from motherhood entirely. I don't know what to do. Where to turn. Nobody seems to be listening (been brushed off by my "D"P and my mum and sister too, "you're doing fine"). I.Am.Not.Fine. Where do I go now?

Thanks for listening - if it is self pitying drivel, please do say.

Did you tell your CPN this?

To start off with, well done, as you say, compared to some, you are functioning very highly , but I know that can sometimes be more frustrating IYKWIM - as people think you are 'OK@. Can your CPN refer you to a therapist to look at your self harm and suicidal ideation ? The meds might be controlling your symptoms, but it might be worth looking at 'what dwells beneath?'

I did tell her, with lots of sobbing and "I can't cope any more"s. Cue lots of 'but you are coping'. I did do psychotherapy for a while but it made me so, so, so much worse it was too terrifying. Definitely stuff beneath but how do you survivie wilst you dig it all out? I don't know. She said all the running away/ suicide was "normal" in my situation. That seems worse though - please don't let THIS become my normal.

Sorry that sounded ungrateful - which is my last intention. Thank you, so much, for replying.

I think it is survivable to dig it all up - but you do need some time and some energy to give to it - and maybe now isn't the right time. The problem is - if one of your coping strategies for feeling shit is 'striving, doing well and coping' then you are always gonna look like you are 'coping' - does that make sense ??

Is not drivel but seems like a genuine cry for help.b

i cant give you any advice as i know nothing about this subject but what i can say is you have made the first step towards mending this and for findng the help and advice that you are aware that you need.

i am sending good vibes and loads of hugs as support through this

Thank you (all teary now)

laidback that's a good point. But surely the sitting sobbing should give it away? I don't know - I'm a bit isolated outside work and know I need to help myself first but not sure how to do it. I think, for tonight, a (prescribed) sleeping tablet (dd asleep, and not taken one in weeks) will at least get me thru til tomorrow.
DD and I are on our own this weekend but I think we'll do our favourite sorts of things like swimming and park and picnics and maybe everything will feel better. Just need to stay away from the alcohol.

eggandketchup Hugs are good. Being believed in is huge.

pudding.... sometimes mental health workers want to see a success and so even though you are crying, they might see all the other things you are coping with and want to believe that you are ok. I think it's good to keep focused and positive, keeping away from alcohol is, of course, advisable - but it sounds like you really would benefit from someone who you can talk to who you can say "yes, I'm working, yes, I look like I'm ok - but I still have all these problems..".

What do you think might help you ?

I don't know... I need a break, and a job back on the mainland, where I have friends. And, and, and...

To make me feel better in the short term I don't know. My meds are optimised and I am (trying to) sleep for Britain. I just don't know. But struggling on doesn't seem to cut it, and missing work will only make things worse. I guess there are no easy answers.

Thank you so much for listening to me.

There is a reall helpful book called 'change for the better' by Elizabeth Wilde Mccormack ( I think you can get it via Amazon.) It might help you look at your underpinning stuff in your own time. It's not American or too heavy and lots of clients I have worked with have found it helpful. I'm off now - but I'll check in tomorrow and see how you are doing.

Will look it up, thank you. Thank you for your time tonight - and for having your own boundaries, and...

Morning my little pudding ? How are you doing today ?

Not too bad thank you.

A very sleepless night thinking about stuff but I feel calmer. I can't do everything. I will just do what I can. I will try and have the best weekend I can on my own w dd this weekend and sleep as much as poss. My DP has been much more supportive than usual which helps. Need to find people to talk to... easier said than done though!