Not coping with two small children

[Leafsand72]

Hi there everyone,
I am in desperate need of some support. I am a stay at home mum with a 3 month old and a nearly 3 year old and I am really struggling with the feeling of being completely overwhelmed and really hopeless. I apologise if this sounds a bit all over the place, I have just managed to get my eldest down for a nap and I'm feeling my baby.

To give some context, I am potty training my son right now who is very very strong willed and his behaviour has been challenging recently. He hits, pushes and kicks me and tantrums and screams, getting him to do anything is so hard, his behaviour is deemed to be of slight concern to the health visitor so he has been referred to the nursery nurse. My baby is very calm and placid but needs constantly breastfed throughout the day and is always attached to me and is a very sicky baby so there is always sick all over me and her.
My toddler tantrums at every single thing I do and is now turning more violent with me.
The combination of all of these things alongside keeping the house clean and doing all cooking has meant I've had no time to look after myself and I'm absolutely at the end of my rope. I have a husband but he works a lot and my family all work so there is rarely childcare unless it is my MIL and she doesn't like me much and there are cultural differences.
Today has felt absolutely undoable, my little boy has been potty training since last Saturday (6 days) and there is constant accidents and he tantrums and hits me when I need to quickly get him to a toilet. My baby has been constantly feeding and being sick and everything is in chaos.
I'm starting to think I can't do this anymore and I've had a terrible mistake to have my children close together. i feel alone and like I have failed my children. Please tell me it gets better soon.

Bless you, having small children and a home to run can be extremely overwhelming, and many, many parents feel the same at times, so please put any thoughts that this is somehow a failing on your part to one side.

Sometimes it is just about survival and getting though the day. Remember that both of your little ones are changing rapidly as they grow, and this period won't last forever.

What is in your power to change to make things easier? Eg could you afford to eat foods that don't take a lot of prep or cooking? Could your husband do shopping on his way home from work? And give you a bit of time each evening to go and have a nice shower and get into comfy Pj's or whatever might help you feel more yourself/cared for? Would it help to set yourself up with things like cool water in the fridge to dip through the day and plenty of easy/healthy snacks - you'll be using lots of energy breastfeeding before you've started with your toddler.

Is it important that your toddler is potty trained now? It sounds like a challenge while your baby is feeding a lot. If not, leave it a bit, but if you're on a deadline for school starting keep at it and he will probably get there soon.

Are you able to get to any groups or can your toddler go to playgroup?

Regarding his challenging behaviour, having a strong willed toddler can be extremely hard to manage. If you have a Family Hub locally they might offer courses. I did one called Incredible Years which was quite useful.

I hope some of this is helpful, obviously I don’t know your circumstances so apologies if you're already doing it/can't afford it ir anything.

solidarity OP, I’ve got a 9m and 3 year old and we have been potty training since April. Still having daily accidents. Could you have the potty in the room with you if it’s a struggle getting him there? Does he not want to use it, ie why is he hitting you when you take him there? (I don’t mean to sound ridiculous asking that, it might just be because that’s the stage of life he is at but it also might be because he doesn’t want to leave his game/doesn’t like the bathroom/doesn’t need a wee for all I know).

Our DD goes to nursery 3 days a week which gives me a chance for 1:1 with baby and to reset the house/maybe do some batch cooking. Hats off to you though I couldn’t do it full time. Is SAHM what you want long term or are you considering going back to work? Things do get better. I thought we had made a terrible mistake for the first 6-12 weeks and then 3-6months got a bit better, 6m+ is like having a different family to be honest it’s mostly enjoyable now.

Do you have any option to put your son into nursery? I’m pretty sure all 3 year olds are entitled to 15 hours a week aren’t they? Are you in a position to join a gym with a creche? That’s a massive help to me; even if I put one of them in for an hour it means a node hour with the other 1:1.

Do you have anyone to talk to in real life? It can be so lonely, we live away from family so I really get it. Any baby or children groups you can get to when the terms start again in September will be great for meeting other parents!

I understand how exhausting it is to care for your 2 babies that are close in age. I had the same issues with my kids before. I dont get enough rest, as after I put the eldest to sleep, the other will cry all of a sudden. Have you considered hiring a qualified maternity nurse or an experienced nanny to assist you? Potty training takes time, but having to juggle care for both babies at the same time can be emotionally and physically draining. I used a little ones nanny and it really eased the burden off my husband and I.