I truly believe this is it, this time I will never recover from depression. Can I?

[TheSummerGrinch]

I am in my early 50's and for as long as I can remember I have struggled with my mental health. No idea why as I truly had a lovely childhood but family members on my mum's side have struggled with anxiety and mental health problems so perhaps it was inevitable, I was destined to be this way?

Most of my issues have been with anxiety, ocd, panic, overthinking and hypersensitivity issues. I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD earlier this year which has helped me to understand that perhaps some of this is simply the way my brain developed and I wasn't a complete failure? I don't know, the whole neuro-diverse thing is still a learning curve to me.

In some ways I can handle the anxiety because at the end of the day, it's all I have known, it's who I am. However, I really struggle with the physical issues which come from living in a high state of anxiety all the time. I have a long history with horrible digestive issues which have completely changed the way I had envisaged my life heading. I am always constantly tense and never feel physically well (although to look at me you would not know this). I live clean, I eat well, I don't drink alcohol, smoke, take drugs etc. I exercise and get out in nature every day as that does ground me but still my brain feels fucked.

Depression is something which has waxed and waned over the years and never really stayed for too long, for that I am grateful although I have had times which felt as though it was starting to really creep in and it was not a nice feeling.

However, over the last 7 years it came to stay and hasn't left me. It is getting worse each year as things in my life started to turn to crap. I often feel that I do not possess the mental capacity to handle life stresses well. I suppose I try to look as though I am coping but internalise it all instead.

From 2016-2021 I endured 6 years of my son refusing school (I am certain he is on the ASD spectrum but we had little help at the time), it was draining to say the least. He is almost 20 now and doing so much better but the stress and low mood I developed from that has not left me, mainly because my stresses simply shifted. In 2018 my mum developed Alzheimer's, obviously things have become worse and worse. Mum is now in advanced stages and had a fall a month ago fracturing her neck and is currently bed bound at home with a team of carers coming in. I go to my parents house most days, as I have the last 5 years and I am ashamed to say that I hate every single moment visiting my parents. They are elderly and frail and I want to cry every time I see them. I hate how their lives have turned out. The stress and burn out from not only helping them all the time but seeing a loved one terminally ill from a very long and drawn out disease has basically 'done my head in'.
I also currently have no job. I gave it it up in November last year due to helping my parents and all of my physical health issues - my digestive system is so unpredictable and I have painful gynae issues. I was a PA for disabled people and just could not do my job well in the end so I am now struggling on Carer's Allowance which is a pittance, so the lack of money coming in causes me more stress and depression. I really need to get back to work of some kind but that in itself stresses me.
And on top of this I lost my absolute best mate 3 years ago - my beloved dog. I got him 10 years previously as I fell into a depression and he helped me so much. I don't think I will ever not miss him, he was a dream companion (I know not everyone will understand this but it is a huge grieve to me). We now have a lovely rescue and I love him dearly but he is so damaged due to his past, much more than we or the rescue centre realised so he is often more hard work than a joy tbh but he loves dh and I and I feel we can not let him down, we do adore him.

I don't know what I want from this post tbh other than for someone to tell me that there can be something better on the horizon but how? I have tried endless counselling and CBT, acceptance therapy, hypnosis etc. I exercise and eat well. I have tried so many antidepressants but they upset my gut so much that within a couple of months of extra misery I have to give them up. I was the same with the adhd meds, so I no longer know what to try. I live in hope that my life will take a turn for the better but right now with teen kids to worry about, an op looming for me (hysterectomy which I am dreading), terminally ill and elderly parents needing me and a mad and unpredictable rescue dog to tame as well as all the awful things going on in this world right now I feel as though my brain just can not comprehend it all, I feel as though it wants to break down. DH believes my life will ease once my parents have gone which makes me feel awful as secretly I feel the same, they are my biggest source of stress in all honesty but I hate to admit this.

I suppose my question is - can things get better? Has anyone been at rock bottom, overwhelmed to the hilt and managed to get some kind of peace back in their lives? I do live in constant hope.

Oh and sorry for such a long ramble but I didn't want to drip feed anything.

Lovie, you have posted about your issues many, many times and you will probably continue to post so I doubt this reply will help but I'm putting off doing the washing up so here goes...

Your DH is most probably right – if your parents weren't human you would have done the right thing and have had them put to sleep, so there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Stop going most days, gradually limit it to 3 times a week. Do things that make you happy on the other days. Look into nursing homes for your father.

If your dog is hard work and not adding to your life, let him go – either to a home that's better able to care or to sleep.

Embrace the thoughts of life after the hysterectomy, it will be better than you can imagine. Trust me on that.

Think laterally in terms of your gut health – lots of alternative options such as acupuncture, etc.

Turn the news off. Look for glimmers rather than triggers.

Thank you.

Yes, I have posted so many times but I am at such a loss right now, especially since my mum's dementia has taken a sudden turn for the worse following the hospital stay.

I know our dog is a huge tie for us, I have owned dogs all of my life and thought I knew about dogs but a reactive rescue is a whole other level of dog ownership, I am annoyed at rescue centre tbh, they have been of no help or support since we have taken him over and we have spent a lot of money with behaviourists but he adores my dh and I and is so happy in is little bubble and that beaks my heart but I know we can't live in that bubble with him, we have and need a life outside of our home. We do have a huge task ahead of us with him and we are still unsure what to do with him, it's heartbreaking. I had to put out last dog to sleep as he was riddled with cancer and that was awful so the thought of having to pts a physically healthy animal is stressful, I wanted to give an unwanted dog a new lease of life and we have in so many ways but with everything else going on it's so hard. I just wish someone could take him on for us but I know that is beyond wishful thinking.

We are running a trial atm with a rota of 6 carers coming in on mum, I have said to my sister and dad that if this doesn't work, within a month we will need to admit defeat and start looking at care homes for her. I know deep down it's what dad wants but he just can not bring himself to admit it, he is in otherwise very good health for an 84 year old and just wants some sort of life back before his is over, he needs to life too.

And, yes I do need to get over my major fear of an operation, I have trust issues with health professionals following a procedure which went wrong a few years ago and my mis-daignosis of endometriosis which took 20 years to discover.

I would love to try acupuncture but sadly have zero funds for any alternative health treatments right now, maybe one day.

I do live in hope that I will feel better which is why I post on here I suppose, hope to hear from someone who has been through shit and got themselves through?

Hello SummerGrinch! I think, from what you have said, that yes you will recover from your current depression, but you will probably always be on the anxious side. Your life sounds a lot like mine, and you are overwhelmed.

Of the issues that you have mentioned, most will resolve themselves one way or another, and are largely beyond your control. I have had a hysterectomy and I felt much better once recovered. I made a bit of a pre and re habitation plan, and the period of essential rest could really help you in other ways. I was scared before hand but it was absolutely worth it. Am happy to share my top tips if you like, there are lots on mumsnet and other websites too.

Re your mum, as pp said, try to reduce your visits as they are making you feel worse. Block out the time for something for yourself instead. Make sure that you're balancing efforts with your sister.

Maybe a nursing home for your mum is the best way forward, you could start researching and making enquiries if you feel upto it.

The situation with the dog is difficult, could you try to view it as a voluntary role and be clear with yourselves that it is alright to send him back to the rescue if it becomes too much - you and your DH can only do your best in the circumstances you're in. You might want to see about them having him while you're recovering from surgery anyway as you might not be physically able to look after him then.

Once your surgery is out of the way, hopefully everything else will become more manageable again.

You're a strong, capable person who is temporarily overwhelmed with several big things at once, but it isn't forever. It's vital to look after yourself before everyone else and don't try to do it all yourself.

I think you are doing the typical neurodiverse thing of blaming yourself for your depression when you're actually under an awful lot of stress! A thing with being ND is that we are sort of 'now' or 'not now'. This does mean that when stress is gone we can bounce back pretty quickly (allowing time for the body to reset its cortisol). But it also means its hard to see an end to the stress when we are in it, as we are so absorbed in what's in front of us.

One thing that I found of immeasurable benefit for my ADHD was strength training. There's something about having a heavy weight that you are lifting that is amazing for inattentive ADHD. You literally cannot think about anything else when your muscles are focused on trying to lift a weight, there is nowhere else for the brain to go. It also increases expression of BDNF growth factor in the brain thought to be responsible for memory and learning. I am medicated for ADHD but if I wasn't this would be my coping mechanism for my overthinking and ruminating.

My other suggestion is whether there are support groups and forums you can find that specialise in some of the issues that you are facing.

Honestly, you need to take some hard decisions and prioritise yourself. I can relate to so much of what you have said.
You need to rehome your dog or put him to sleep.
look for good care homes for your parents. Stop visiting your Mum so often and keep the visits short. One hour and then go and have a nice lunch or a coffee. Reward yourself.
It’s hard to do things to support yourself if you are short of money but anything you enjoy that is free or low cost, do it. Make a list of all the things you enjoy or that lift your mood, do them. Do something every day.
Make a list of what you have to do and then be ruthless about going through it.