Envy and depression

[Cindysbackintown]

I'm 60, and for as long as I can remember, I've suffered from bouts of envy, real heart pounding, sick to your stomach envy when you find out a friend has just landed a great promotion or is going on the holiday of a lifetime to LA or Australia. It's to the point where I despise myself. I believe this started when I was a child and as a family we did not have much and I was always envious of my friends clothes or bikes or records. As a very young teenager I developed severe acne which really put me on the back foot and shot my confidence. I still have scars today which im trying to deal with. Although I've managed to have a career, I've never quite been able to climb the career ladder like many people I know (and so im envious of that, they have had better lives, have been able to buy a house, buy clothes that are not Primark or New Look, venture off on day trips and go out for meals whilst this week im working on a presentation for a new role im applying for because it pays more money than my current job.) I dislike the way I look to the point there are no photos of me and my daughter since she was around 5, even at her graduation, because I couldn't bear to look at myself in photos. I was, at a few points in my life treated for depression and anxiety, I still feel anxious about retirement (I won't be able to), anxious that I've wasted my life , feel bored and depressed a good deal of the time (I literally will do anything to get those thoughts and feelings out of my head, even if it's 2 in the morning I will get up and go for a walk with headphones on or cook or clean cupboards.) There are several points in my life, two quite recently, where i have felt that i am just not good enough and i dont deserve the things and experiences others seem to gain or have so easily. I'm looking for others who felt this crushing envy and depression and overcome it. I'm so 'stuck' in this im not good enough, not pretty enough, not clever enough mentality.

Depression is often stuck anger. Have you ever explored that?

Theres nothing wrong with feeling envy. How do you respond to the feeling? At the moment it sounds like you’re berating yourself for having the ‘wrong’ feeling, but no feelings are wrong. See it as an inner compass that tells you something you’re missing out on. Maybe you don’t want the things that other people have, but the feelings those things seem to bring with them?

Same with feeling bored - there’s nothing wrong with feeling this, but it’s an indication that something is off. Maybe you need some more excitement, variety, new experiences, a project etc to ease the boredom? Do you take the feeling seriously and take yourself under your wing to comfort yourself and do what you can to change things?

Maybe the anxiety is telling you there’s something you need to address and pay attention to or take a bit more responsibility for?

I listened to this today - might help put a different spin on things.

@FloraBotticelli perfect! The part about being at war with yourself certainly resonates with me. I also think my feelings have transferred to anger and general bitterness.

'At the moment it sounds like you’re berating yourself for having the ‘wrong’ feeling, but no feelings are wrong. See it as an inner compass that tells you something you’re missing out on'

Great advice

Get curious about where the feelings are coming from and what's underneath them. If it's an option, psychotherapy is invaluable for helping you to understand yourself and find peace with yourself. It's no fun feeling this way OP, I really sympathise

I also think my feelings have transferred to anger and general bitterness.

resonates! I think that happens when you’ve learned to ignore your feelings. Did for me anyway. It helps to acknowledge what you’re feeling bit by bit - at whatever pace doesn’t overwhelm you.

When I was in my late 20s I went to CBT and I had about 20 sessions. At the time I had just been working in London, a very competitive place thar has pockets of huge wealth a d huge deprivation. You get a tube for 5 mins and pop up somewhere completely different (rich/poor) than the area you just left. Very disorientating. Similarly all my friends were on the ride of wanting to get ahead in careers and buy houses and some of my friends were very jealous envious people- their attitude was wearing me down and making me feel I should be doing more.

In the CBT I realised that the envy was wearing me down, and that by comparing myself to other people I was causing my own misery. So, 20 sessions to learn this one lesson, which was never compare myself or my journey to someone else's. That lesson has stayed with me.

As they say comparison is the thief of joy. And the surest, sanest way to be happy is to feel joy for other people and their successes.

If you have the resources counselling may help. I'd also recommend Rebel Finance School, it's a free course for people to help them work out how to retire and one of the things they look at is where our internal messages about money come from. I also find sometimes reducing my contact / exposure to other people when I'm working on my own projects is helpful- I'm not sure why you aren't super fired up about the presentation - what a great thing to be going for - but you're focusing on Fear of missing out of what other people are up to. Just don't expose yourself go whatever is triggering this - social media etc.

I've always struggled a bit with my looks due to being bullied at school- try and accentuate your good points is pretty much all the advice I have.

Also try and expose yourself to some new thoughts and ideas - I love listening to podcasts and reading books about self development. I have found these sp helpful. It sounds like your mindset isn't serving you and there's no reason why you can't choose to have a different one. No one is dictating that you have to feel the way you do in response to past events.

Agree with what PP said, at the core of human life are a few underlying emotions, for example love hate (or liking something and feeling disgust), sadness, joy etc. They are all part of human experience and fine. Feelings and thoughts will be what they will be, the mind will do what it does, but doesn't mean they have to stop you doing things for you.

I'm similar OP. When I'm in a bad phase I walk along the street comparing how my life is utterly miserable compared to everyone else's. I know that this is in fact what makes me miserable, but I struggle to stop. For me a lot of it centres around never having been in love (which is my own fault as I've had opportunities which I ran away from). Every couple I see I beat myself up for not allowing myself that. Reading along for suggestions of how to deal with it as I'm finding the bad phases outnumbering the good

@YellowZebraStripes , thank you, your post was thoughtful and thought provoking. My bank have been helpful with signposting for help with a retirement fund, but my outgoings are more than my income at the minute (damn car costs me quite a bit, despite getting it for 5K, I literally have a lot of driving to do, hence, a lot of maintenance.) I was super giddy about my presentation- i sent it over email to an ex colleague who said it was impressive. Unfortunately, the company are not taking my application further and im back at the drawing board again. I have had that talk therapy through the GP , but it was literally a person phoning me up and asking me loads of questions at first, then I'd have someone else call up and ask me to see things in a different way. I had 9 sessions, with 3 different people. It didn't really help much and it was suggested I get therapy and was sent some reputable therapists in my area. It's currently out of my price range, but as soon as im in a better financial position, I will be doing that!
I am so sorry you feel so lonely in love. How old are you?

No advice to give you op but i feel similar.
I hate my life and feel incredibly depressed, lonely and what I'd describe as "lost" at the moment. I envy others for their fantastic, fun filled, happy lives. I avoid social media for this reason. im a bit younger than you at late 40s but have also felt this way my whole adult life.

"In the CBT I realised that the envy was wearing me down, and that by comparing myself to other people I was causing my own misery. So, 20 sessions to learn this one lesson, which was never compare myself or my journey to someone else's. That lesson has stayed with me."

This is what I don't get, and maybe why I've never got anything out of therapy. I totally understand that comparing myself is ruining my life, but that understanding has never led me to stopping doing it.