Panic Attacks, Agrophobia, Anxiety

[GroovyChick30]

Hello,
I am really struggling and feel like a terrible mum. I have always taken my children out and never had them go out without me. This year has been the worst ever I have slowly been getting worse, I was taken off of Citalopram to try a new medicine venlafaxine for miagraines which I couldn't get on with. Even before coming off the Citalopram I was struggling with severe burning tingling in my head, arms, legs worse when taking kids out to partys crowded places ect. Now I can't get on any medication because I am having such severe attacks constantly and they are worse if I try an Ssri. I can't tell what symptoms are anxiety, fibromyalgia and also waiting on being tested for pots which mimics anxiety.
I have been A&E multiple times, back to GP, I have had more blood tests, hormones are being checked, been reffered to mental health services and waiting to be reffered for a pots test. The GP has prescribed me 2mg Diazepam to take when I can't calm down as it is lasting hours of me walking round the house not sleeping, I feel like I'm crazy. Now I'm too scared to take this as well what if I feel wierd and need to go hospital but if I don't take it and I can't calm down or sleep I also feel like I need help.
My partner (children's dad) has taken the kids to the zoo without me today and has 2 weeks off work as no way can I last a whole day out without feeling terrible lightheaded constantly needing a toilet and shaking but I am distraught I won't be able to do any days out. I am already on propranolol due to tachycardia, I can't take too much as it makes me more lightheaded but even when it brings heart rate down it dosent stop the other symptoms. I have had CBT also.
Sorry about the long post just seeing if anyone has been through similar or any advice as I am desperate, I can't believe this has happened and I can rarely even sit at a park with my kids without feeling like I'm dying.

When did this start? How was your childhood/teenage years? Do you know what was the original trigger? Finding the root cause is always the best way of resolving it.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you for your reply. I have always struggled with big social events and when I was a teenager I used to have a few alcoholic drinks when I was out so that helped.
At secondary school I went through periods of feeling very uncomfortable between finding friendship groups and often went home at lunch time or avoided certain classes as I felt so uncomfortable and didn't like speaking to people or felt very awkward.
Now I have pushed myself to take my kids out a lot over the years and do birthday parties ect which I never had as a child.
My oldest child is Autistic which I have always wondered if I am as well.
I first had a very bad attack after walking across a waterfall with my partner and kids about 3 years ago where I called paramedics as I felt like my legs wasn't working I was lying on the floor shaking, I think I had done too much with my conditions as nothing bad was found wrong when they came out and then a couple of weeks later I had covid which also scared me then since then I have been up and down having these severe attacks.
It gets worse before I have to go out somewhere as I worry about having these symptoms and being unwell. Many times I have pushed myself but I still get such bad symptoms when I am out. Now I am at the point where I struggle going to a shop, I hate making phone calls even answering texts.
I also have severe phobia of medicines so it's hard trying new things.
Sorry about my long reply I understand if you don't want to read it all 😆

Try the 2mg diazepam, honestly I was terrified to take them 18 months ago, scared I would feel spaced out, dizzy, drunk - sensations which would for me trigger more anxiety which I just couldn't deal with but 2mg is such a low dose you won't feel weird at all, it will just help take the edge off the sheer panic and it might make it a bit easier to sleep. The less sleep you're getting the worse you're going to be feeling. A few days of diazepam can help give your nervous system a break so you can think a bit more rationally.

@GroovyChick30 never apologise for explaining! The thing with panic attacks is that they feel awful and you (generic you) feel like you're going to die. But – and this is the game-changer for a lot of people – no one ever died from a panic attack. Ever.

It gets worse before I have to go out somewhere as I worry about having these symptoms and being unwell. So what's happening here is that the fear of having a panic attack alerts your nervous system to there being potential danger on the horizon and it reacts by flooding your system with adrenalin to either fight or run and then those sensations scare the bejaysus out of you and thus the panic attack loop is complete.

To break that loop the first thing is to accept that you are not going to die; nothing bad is going to happen. You might feel awful for 10-15 minutes then you will recover and be able to get on with your day. Box breathing is really good for when you feel a bit wobbly.

To mitigate an attack quickly do this. Take a small object – a bottle of water or bunch of keys for example – and gently throw it from one hand to the other, watching the movement and concentrating only on not dropping it. This forces the two parts of your brain to work together and calms you down within minutes.

If you need some external help have a look at hypnotherapy/remedial hypnosis – both can be done remotely.

@Realisation14 thank you for your reply. I've picked them up and still not taken one. I've not been sleeping until 5am it's horrible, I think I might just try one today and see if it helps me sleep.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you. I will try this. The thing is I now know I am not going to die but I am terrified of the symptoms as I just feel so wierd. I get severe tingling and burning sensation in my head down my arms and legs. Feel so faint and these attacks can last for hours.

OP it sounds like you’re putting pressure on yourself to do “big” things without mastering the smaller stuff first. I recently had a course of CBT after suffering from quite sudden agoraphobia on public transport, it was debilitating and very frightening how quickly it took over me.

It was so important that I started with something very manageable, without the pressure of taking the kids, or running late etc. until I got to a point where I could go to the “next level”. It was a real process and I’m still working through it, but feeling so much more capable. Putting pressure on yourself and feeling like a bad mum (whilst totally understandable) isn’t helping you to make any small baby steps in the right direction.

Could you work with a therapist again, ideally CBT, to have a proper plan where you are supported to work through this? Diving in at the deep end very rarely works with agoraphobia and panic attacks as you need to train your brain gently over time so you have tangible reminders of times when you have been ok.

I hope that is helpful, I really feel your pain as it is so difficult to explain how debilitating this is when you are not directly experiencing it.

@GroovyChick30 what eventually makes the attacks stop?