CPTSD - gaslighting myself post therapy

[purpelion]

I had a baby girl nearly two years ago and it caused a range of fairly severe mental health issues to surface. In pregnancy I got severe anxiety and panic attacks out of nowhere then postpartum I had some psychosis, paranoia, waves of depression and ongoing anxiety. After being referred to perinatal mental health and having medication and therapy, I was diagnosed with CPTSD linked to some very traumatic ongoing childhood trauma. The idea of becoming a mum and the weight of responsibility had resurfaced things I had buried and dissociated from. I did EMDR along with other therapy types and made massive progress.

Fast forward two years I am out of therapy. I am still on meds and may be forever. I am now finding processing all that’s happened in this period hard. I feel very gaslit by myself. Constantly telling myself not to attention seek, it wasn’t as bad as I’m making out, all in my head, I’m making it worse, I’m addicted to the trauma etc. I am trying to keep going with the things that help and not dwell on stuff too much. I tell myself the more effort I put in to recovery, the more likely it’ll happen. But there’s a hint of suggesting to myself I’m a failure if I struggle again.
Is this normal in this situation? I know from therapy it’s linked to attitudes adults around me had during my childhood. But I am finding it very hard to navigate these thoughts. I have convinced myself that my therapist thinks I’m a time waster, boring, going round in circles and won’t want to see me again if I need therapy again.

Sounds like a good psychoanalytic therapy would be helpful. You can start with the, "I worry about you thinking I'm a boring time waster," and go from there!

I agree.

OP, I've been seeing my lovely counsellor lady for 15 years and I will still ask her if she's available every 6 to 8 weeks!

I disagree strongly with any suggestions that may be out in society that therapy has to be short term and then you're done. Significant childhood trauma and dysfunctional family relationships cause lifelong changes that absolutely can be worked through for a content life. But these are significant issues that change our bodies compared to others with much more healthy origins.

To expect to be magically ok after all you describe is way too harsh on yourself.

We are taught to feel this way. The NHS won't help that sense quite often, because they're so low on resources they want people to just go away if we are honest.

So what if you need to stay on medication forever? Plenty do. And do fine and better with it.

You need ongoing therapy? I agree with the posters suggestion. Not CBT or any other type like that. I believe my therapy is psychoanalytic. It has certainly helped me realise I am not the problem everyone around me made me think I am.

As well as all the trauma you have experienced, there's also the onslaught of physical changes hormonally that I believe can be horrific for many women. My body went into massive autoimmune disease hell after pregnancy. Also a traumatic history and I had severe anxiety during pregnancy myself.

You've endured a significant amount. You need the right therapist. It make all the difference.

Im sure your therapist would be happy to see you again. I would recommend looking into internal family systems therapy if your previous therapist isnt trained in it.

I would look into acceptance and commitment therapy. It doesn't seem to be helping you to keep fighting your thoughts. That's because I don't think you've been able to process all the painful feelings from your childhood trauma. I think you need to:

Process the pain and stress from your past;
Find ways to feel safe in the present day
Separate yourself from your thoughts - they're not facts, they're just thoughts.
Practise mindful activities: that could be yoga, pilates, knitting, playing an instrument, pottery - anything that engages both the body and mind and helps to free your mind from all those negative thoughts
Give yourself lots of self care - you deserve it as much as anyone and more than most.

Thanks all.

I have had a good experience with my therapist and done trauma focused EMDR, ACT and CBT. She helped me enormously and was very patient as it took me a long time to be able to speak about things and to get out of freeze/flight modes.

I do now feel in our final few sessions she is repeating the various things I need to do and comments a lot ‘oh it’s that black and white thinking again’ or ‘it’s that need to sit with your thoughts not push them away’. All true but I then feel a bit criticised and like I just need to do what she’s advising. I know it’s probably not meant this way. I guess because of my experiences I REALLY crave compassion and now things are more about keeping strategies going, she’s less warm and comforting and more about practical advice?

Hi OP, you are doing so well and sounds like the therapy is moving in a positive way. I would encourage you to take what you have written here back to your therapist as it sounds like these thoughts you are having may be linked in some way to what your therapist is saying to you and this could be a really helpful to explore with them. Good luck and try and embrace the discomfort if you can, and don't worry as your therapist will be open to hearing it all. I appreciate your inner dialogue is saying the opposite of this but that's completely ok too and is all part of the process. Talk also about your need for compassion and love as you might be surprised at what emerges.

I couldn't agree more with this 🙏

I've got CPTSD from childhood. Been referred for clinical psychology by mental health nurse. I understand the devastating affect it has on every area of your life.

Whilst I wait there is a guy on you tube who I am watching. He has worked with people with trauma for years and years. They give me something to do while I wait for the therapy and I feel I am at least 'doing something' and increasing my understanding.

The guy's name is Tim Fletcher. He may help you too just as a sort of 'ongoing, available anytime' support. It may not be useful for you if you have already learnt all this stuff but it's making me feel less helpless. Here's a link to one of his videos (my viewing for today!)

Same

Personally, I’ve found changing counsellors every so often to be really useful. I’ve taken completely different things from each one and I don’t think I could have made anywhere near the same progress if I’d stuck with the same one. I always found I got to a point where they’d helped me to the extent they could (which was plenty, not a criticism as each one helped me massively) and we were sort of stuck in a rut towards the end.

Perhaps it’s worth trying someone different?

I do think this kind of gaslighting of yourself is very common - especially if you had a childhood where you couldn’t express how you were feeling or had critical parents. Do you tend to be quite hard on yourself in other ways?

Is there a creative outlet that could help you express yourself without having to think in detail about all the things that have happened to you. Painting, creative writing, music etc.

I found that becoming a parent brought a lot of this stuff to the surface initially, then it happened again (more than once) as my own children reached ages that had been particularly difficult for me. CPTSD is complicated, and definitely isn’t something where ‘one round of therapy and you’re done’ will apply for most people - and therapists really do know this.

I am trying to keep going with the things that help and not dwell on stuff too much.
This was where finding a different therapist helped me. I had spent years trying to “not dwell”, and couldn’t understand why the techniques I’d learned didn’t seem to be working. A new therapist, who was very experienced in childhood trauma, took a different approach - encouraged working through the memories I’d been trying to avoid thinking about, to process them, understand them, and (in her words) “put them away more tidily so they wouldn’t keep falling out when I least expected it”.

Different approaches work for different people. Your therapist now will absolutely understand if you need to revisit the same things, and if you’re comfortable with this therapist it would be a great idea to get back in touch and talk through these feelings with them. If you decided you wanted to see somebody else for a time, to investigate a different approach, your current therapist would absolutely understand this too.

There’s a long running thread on here - if you search “Stately Homes” you should be able to find the most recent one (iirc it’s ’July 2025’) - with people who have been through similar; if you felt up to posting there you would find a huge amount of compassion and understanding. You deserve support and sympathy OP, and I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this