How do I stop something so traumatic affecting me

[longtimecomingfound]

Bit of a heavy one. Please be kind.

7 years ago my newborn daughter & first ever baby was snatched from my arms when she was hours old, on the post delivery ward as she had started having subtle seizures. She was taken to Intensive Care, where she stayed for 2 weeks. We were given all sorts of horrific potential outcomes. It was terrifying. I won’t go in to her diagnosis as not overly relevant, but it was a hard first 2 years waiting to see how she developed as it was a brain injury. (She’s fine now, thank God)

2 years ago after much therapy I had another baby by elective C section. A few days after his birth I felt something wasn’t right. I took him back in to hospital where I was told it was jaundice. I stayed in that night alone with him but still I felt there was more to it. This was confirmed when he stopped breathing in my arms & was again snatched from me in dramatic fashion. RESUS trolley, ICU, told to prepare ourselves as they thought SEPSIS. A week later we were discharged. However within that week I also started feeling unwell, & after a CT I was then taken straight to emergency surgery as my internal stitches had come undone & my bowel was stuck & at risk. Honestly even writing it it doesn’t feel real this all happened.

A very close family member just had a baby & selfishly it’s brought it all back. But also this suffocating feeling of ‘why me, & why me twice?’ I feel so targeted. I hate the way it has affected me. I’ve had therapy & I’m ok mostly but this new baby has thrown me. I’m so so happy for them but again just thinking how does everyone have it easy enough to just have a baby & go home. I feel like it’s reopened a can of worms & I don’t know how to process it. I try to think ‘it’s life, it’s a gamble,’ ‘I’m so lucky they’re both ok now’ etc. But honestly I’m so angry still. And I thought up until recently I was doing well. It’s not been easy. I’ve had to wait until they were both 2 to know there was no cognitive/physical etc issues. It’s not been fun whilst also working out how to be a parent. I don’t want it to eat me up but I struggle so much on days like today & don’t want to feel like this.

This is the way I explain trauma. When something bad and/or unexpected happens a part of the mind takes on the job of figuring out exactly what happen, why it happened and (crucially) our role in the event. This isn't to punish or torment us but to stop that particular thing happening again – it's a protective mechanism.

That's fine if we were texting when the car accident happened or the other person was drunk when they fell into us, but some things are just so random or unexpected that there's absolutely no way of predicting them, preparing for them or avoiding them. It is (cliche alert) just one of those things. However that bit of your subconscious doesn't get this message and carries on – hence the flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, nightmares that are often part of trauma and (for you) the "why me, and why me twice".

Once that part of your mind understands that there isn't, and never will be, a satisfactory answer it will stop, because it's a fruitless exercise which is detracting from your happiness. You won't forget what happened but the emotional link will be broken.

I'm sorry to hear of your experience. Have you tried emdr (i was very sceptical but it really helped me). I had a very traumatic birth where by I ended up in itu and don't remember much of it but 20 odd years ago I was told to get on with it (I was lucky we both left hospital) so i buried my feelings only for them to manifest years later after ending up back on itu 3 times due to medical complications. The randomness of it all was difficult to process I could not have done anything to prevent these events and that was hard to deal with (that this could happen again) and how unfair that I'll never remember the birth of my first child or that I became disabled in my 30s. So I understand a bit of what your going through. I will say that emdr didn't cure it (apparently its better for one off traumas) but its kept it from becoming overwhelming and if I had my time again I'd skip straight to emdr, cbt etc just don't work on such trauma.

Agree with EMDR. It is amazingly helpful.

Don’t bother so much with cbt, as glasses says. Go straight to EMDR or hypnotherapy, but definitely EMDR. It’s used on soldiers and known for being effective re trauma.

EMDR - speak to your doctor and you may be able to get it through the nhs . Changed my life after traumatic life events like these . Best of luck . It can get better xx

They were taken from your arms as they were in potentially life threatening situations and the doctors wanted to give them help ASAP. Would you rather they’d just left them with you to potentially die?

I think it’s probably a good idea to pursue more therapy for your trauma

I think the OP understands the babies had to be taken from her urgently and obviously is pleased that the medical team were there to do their job and do it well. However, it is incredibly unsettling to have that happen even when you know logically it’s for the best. I had to hand my newborn over for major surgery not knowing the outcome or if I’d get her back again. I had no choice but to do it and know it was my only option but it was incredibly traumatising and a very triggering memory.

@simsbustinoutmimi Fuuucking hellll that was savage wasn’t it, I hope you’re pleased with yourself. I wasn’t debating the fact they were taken, I’m talking about the long term effect it has on me, mostly daily, to relive the trauma of having had both my children critically ill, when I was absolutely powerless both times, & the second I was also in Intensive Care. I think it’s a good idea you persue more empathy than a fucking dishwasher.

You asked the question it’s maybe worth thinking with some hindsight to help you feel better as well as extra therapy. If they hadn’t taken your children from your arms you may not have had them to hold today. Maybe it seemed harsh at the time but it was to save their lives.

Thank you to everyone else for the supportive, lovely, kind comments. I have had EMDR before & it did help. I think I will look in to this again.

I believe this is the wisest post I've seen on Munsnet . Ever . Thank you .

@simsbustinoutmimii think you’ve missed the part where i said i try to rationalise the experiences & my thoughts around them. It wasn’t just them being taken away, that’s the tip of the iceberg, it’s the anxiety of waiting on tests results, watching them have Lumbar punctures 3 times each, it’s having Consultants telling you to prepare yourself, it’s hearing them cry but you can’t hold them because they have too many wires & cannulas, it’s panicking every time they are sick. I didn’t think I needed to explain this but there we go.