Not sure how to go on

[Dingledongledell]

Hope there is someone out there

I’m so tired and so down. I have three children, 18, 15 and 10. My husband works long hours and does nothing around the house. I carry all of the mental load.

My 18 year old wants to go to university as all of his friends are. He’s bright but lazy and not interested in academia, just hanging around with his friends. His hobby is playing the guitar. He’s good at it and is in a band, but broke his elbow in February. There have been complications and it isn’t healing. He hasn’t played since February and is getting increasingly depressed. His friends in the band seem to be moving on without him. I’m worried that he’ll get to uni, do no work and drop out which will only increase his depression.

It sort of works with my husband ok but his mum died in April after a short illness and he keeps travelling to his dad in Dorset (we’re in London), wfh there and leaving me at home with the kids. It’s exhausting. He’s depressed. We’re all down.

The 15 year old has night terrors, worse since the death of their grandmother.

The 10 year old is great but has eczema and wakes every night. He’s tired and grumpy and I just don’t get back to sleep afterwards. I get 3-4 hours sleep most nights.

I used to work as a music journalist, travelling lots and having a great life but gave it up to get a more responsible job to pay the bills. It’s very dull and uninspiring. I feel I am slowly dying. I’ve been asked by a former employer to do a one off 4 day assignment which would be amazing - I can take the time off work - but I just can’t really walk away from my kids even for four days when life is so bad just now. They are quite close to me but just don’t connect with their dad at all.

I feel surrounded by despair. I worry constantly about my kids. CAMHS is non-existent. I’m broken. I don’t know what to do.

Writing it down has made it feel slightly better. I have no friends and no one to talk to as I spend all the time with my kids.

Well your 18 year old is an adult so why not rope your husband in and get him to take responsibility for the other two and do the assignment? It will do you all good to have something positive going on in your lives, it doesn't have to be like this. Your FiL will have to come to terms with his change in circumstances and your DH has responsibility too. You have to take control to make things better. One step at a time.

That all sounds so exhausting OP and your DH is being very unfair expecting you to shoulder responsibility for everything.
Is it possible to sit him down and have a civilised conversation about ways of splitting the work more evenly. He shouldn’t be swanning off to see his father and he can only do that because he knows that you will pick up the slack.
Could your DH take a few days leave so that he could look after you everything at home while you did the 4 day assignment. That really doesn’t sound like too much to ask and it seems like you need the break from the drudgery of home life. Who knows, it might lead to more work that interests you.
If your DH isn’t willing to share the load more evenly with you then maybe you need to think about whether he actually cares about you and whether it is a worthwhile relationship.
Good Luck

Thanks. I think deep down he doesn’t want me to take the assignment as it would just make my life seem more interesting and ‘cooler’ to my kids. So he’s telling me that it’s just the wrong time and that he’s too depressed. What hurts is that he knows how unfulfilling I find my current role, and he knows I took it as we needed the job security and steady income - his role was insecure and not high paying then. It seems to be accepted in our household that there is no need to take my ambitions or priorities remotely seriously. I had no idea my children would still be so emotionally demanding at their age. It’s so draining.

“It seems to be accepted in our household that there is no need to take my ambitions or priorities remotely seriously”

I know what you mean, my life is like that but I’m starting to realise that I have played my part in allowing it to happen. The good news is that it is possible to change that if you change your behaviour. Have you considered some therapy to help you make some changes?