Do we sometimes have to accept we’ll never get better

[1976a]

Really tough time for me. A build up
of 30 long years of feeling something is wrong. ADHD diagnosis at 48 and perimenopause now have literally made me be able to cope and generally just feel shit all the time, to desperate to get out, end things- as I say can’t think straight.
everyday is filled with anxiety w d I have lots to constantly worry about. Tried ads they make me into a zombie, tried counselling and it’s good for a while then everything ends in my want g to end it.
I’m sat here distressed in my one day off of work where I was supposed to rest but i stead I’m so overwhelmed with literally everything. The house is really bad and u tidy and you have to climb over stuff to get into bed. The kitchen is piled high. I have t eaten today as I don’t know where to even begin. I kind of punish myself
I don’t know what to do. In mind it says there’s someone to talk to and although I have a lovely family and friends they don’t know this about me so I have literally no one and I’d be a burden anyway. So so much trauma. My brother is very mentally ill too with a drug addiction. I carry that too but I’m golden gorl

sorry I’m ranting and thanks for reading

tried counselling and it’s good for a while then everything ends in my want g to end it.

Sorry you’re feeling this way, it sounds relentless. This bit stuck out to me. I think it’s worth trying counselling again and exploring this wanting to end it. Do you end it just when you’re getting to feeling the difficult stuff? Have you tried telling your counsellor(s) that and working through it rather than ducking out of it?

I think in a sense you do need to commit to life feeling painful before you can start to change things. If you keep pushing against or running away from truly feeling the pain, the pain will always linger. (Speaking from experience and to myself here too - I think this is a very human tendency!)

I believe the first step to treating a fear (of anything, but this worked for mine) is to stop beating yourself up about it.

Sorry you are feeling this way OP, I don’t have any magic answers, but have had my fair share of trauma over the years. Nobody will come knocking on your door; only you can help yourself and to do this you need to make contact with someone-anyone. Samaritans are only a call away and at my lowest I called them. I’m always amazed at how a change in meds can help, too. I’m a highly emotional person and without meds I’m a little too much at times. They stop me crying and lessen the anxiety so I can reframe my mind and start again. Sertraline worked best for me, but everyone is different. They were horrendous for the first 2/3 weeks but saved my life. I have changed my whole life around now to having an afternoon nap/hour to myself/mind calming time, and also to spend most of my time with my Ddogs as my priority. My DC are grown up now and I will never live with another person again. I’ve found my happy. It takes many years, but even if you wanted to stay this sad, I doubt you could. because as a wise old man once told me “nothing stays the same forever”. If you were at the peak of happiness-it wouldn’t stay like that, the same goes for the pits of depression and misery. When I was at my lowest, I couldn’t have faced actually going in to the surgery to see my GP-I was crying non stop for reasons unknown-would have been too embarrassing. So I phoned up and the surgery were lovely. She called me and I blurted out how depressed I was and anxious, and because I made that one move, she helped me and my children still have a mum. Find one thing you remotely enjoy - a bath, a new nail varnish, a book, a charity shop you could visit and help, or rescue a pet - anything that will shift your focus away from how you are feeling and that forces you to concentrate on something else. If your house is a tip, just “put the dishwasher on twice” (a lifesaving tip given to a lady I read about when she saw her therapist and the state of her kitchen was really getting her down.) Buy a robot hoover, pay a teen to help tidy. If anyone could have told me I’d ever feel ‘happy’ again 20 years ago, I’d have laughed in their face. I am, truly the happiest I’ve ever been. I’ve found my peace. Good luck OP.

look at therapy rather than counselling such as CBT it will teach coping skills for day to day . Also please be kind to yourself , today may have not been to plan but look at the positives writing this post and having a discussion Is one !
when I’m unwell the house goes to pot literally! I used to get distressed with it too . It’s overwhelming when it’s one big task . Write it down ! Break it down into manageable chunks one little bit at a time . It won’t get done in one day , but reframe it in to I’m working on it , it’s a progress xx

Also depending on the cause of the trauma lots of charities offer specific support whether it be therapy , group support etc maybe worth looking into your local area. As it’s specialised the work delivered is catered to you and the people delivering it are usually a wealth of knowledge, they just get it ! Xx

Maybe not better but different and equally accepting. Be kind to yourself op. If/when a challenging day you feel was enough to have survived, give yourself recovery time. Has worked for me.

It’s the wanting the ‘other’ life that has created the havoc for me, rather than mastering the one I have now. Subsequently, I really appreciate what can be special about MY life, and develop this.

I really agree with this
If you think about yourself in terms of “something is wrong” then you’ll always feel that you need to be fixed. Although it is easier said than done try to value the small things in life and the good things about yourself
try to be kind and gentle to yourself

OP not eating is going to send your blood sugars haywire and you'll feel much worse for it emotionally. If you want to feel better the most important thing you can do is start looking after yourself. And that starts with feeding yourself well.

My next suggestion is to chick a load of stuff out or take it to the charity shop, it sounds like you might just need a clear out. The next thing is write a list of things that need doing and just do one of them, then give yourself a big tick on your list. Aim to do at least one a day. Small steps OP, but looking after yourself is the first one.