My husband won't bath or wash 3 years after breakdown-help!

[Confused92739572]

3 years ago my husband became bery depressed and developed psychosis. Its been a long road of recovery since then with weekly visits from his mental health team, plus cbt at our home every week. They have been wonderful.
He is very much recovered apart from one thing.
During his depression which I know is very common he stopped looking after himself. Didn't wash , clean teeth, didn't cut or comb his hair, let a long beard grow and didn't change his clothes.
It was shocking and awful to see.
This has partly got better, he shaves and wears clean clothes but he still doesn't wash or clean his teeth. I am baffled by this.
His psychiatrists have said that they think he is nurodivergent but he isn't diagnosed with anything. I dont know if this plays a part?
When I ask him why he won't bath/shower he will respond with the following:

1. He will lie and say that he has done . There is no evidence he has, bathroom dry and untouched, no wet towel
2. He will laugh it off and say he will do shortly

I have explained to him that its not pleasant for me and the children and of course we have no intimacy. We now are in separate rooms and have not been intimate in years. He seems to have some sort of barrier that he cant get past to wash himself. Would cbt help with this if he told them?

He loves gardening and diy and is back doing those things, he will come in filthy and covered in soil etc. He will wash his hands thoroughly, that's it. The underneath of his feet are black, there is dirt ingrained in his sckon, his teeth are very yellow and he smells.
I have made many allowances for this during his recovery not realising this would be permanent. What do we do?

If he's not willing to be truthful about what the mental blockage is to this next step then there isn't much you can do. You need to sit him down and tell him you know he isn't washing and you're not judging but you'd like to understand the WHY behind it so you can help brainstorm solutions with or for him so he can move on. Before the breakdown he was always clean and hygienic I presume?

That must be hard for you even though he has made good progress in other areas. What crosses my mind is that after 3 years what state is his skin in, he could have fungal infections or other skin conditions. If so it's not just a hygiene issue but a health issue. Maybe he feels embarrassed to see himself in mirrors in the bathroom and can't face the truth? Is he leaving the house at all, if not, this might be a way for him to avoid doing that. I don't understand why the mental health team don't address this problem as it must be obvious to them, I'm not sure from your post if they are still visiting or if his sessions have stopped, personally I would reach out to them for help and advice.

Its not obvious as he cuts his hair , shaves and wears clean clothes. He does use deodorant too.
But there is no actual washing.
I find it quite amazing actually what little impact it has had on his skin. The dirt just seems to wear off. Probably onto our furniture and his bed!
So I am presuming his team dont actually know!

Honestly, I don’t think I could carry on living with him.

I couldn't live with him, either, I'm afraid. I'm used to living with someone with severe depression but he was always clean. He knew he felt better after a shower and found long baths helpful, too. I couldn't live with someone who smelled bad and was filthy, and I wouldn't put my children through it, either.

Sorry, you said earlier that he smells so I just assumed it would be obvious to everyone including his mental health team. I think you need to tell them, I mean you need support too it's not just about him. It's a tough one isn't it, he's obviously come to a point where he doesn't feel it's necessary to wash if he's been getting away with not washing all this time, maybe he just thinks it's a waste of time. You sound as if you have been incredibly supportive and patient. Could you insist he builds up to a full shower or bath gradually, say washing his hair one day, then his feet the next day etc.

I'm hoping not to offend anyone and I'm neurodivergent myself always clean though.I wonder if he has ADHD where it takes an effort to bath wash hair etc or if he is autistic.
Reading plenty as I've done for myself I have heard some autistic people have sensory difficulties with say water or getting out of the shower and being cold or wet?
My DH needs reminding to brush his teeth at night.
I feel for you and your family.

It’s possible that he may have experienced CSA and is trying to process this still. The not washing and keeping clean, could be a way of keeping you away from him; and not wanting intimacy. He could be emotionally ‘stuck’ and unable at the moment, to process and heal. I wish you and your family the best. You are all living in very difficult circumstances.

There is treatment available to help with this. If it's a sensory thing, they could do some 'exposure and habituation' work to help him overcome his fear / dislike of the water.

Alternatively, if it's a 'can't be bothered' thing, the mental health team can help with that too.

Definitely mention it to them as it could potentially have a huge impact on his life.

OP, did the breakdown coincide with a major life event or death?

I get it. I have Schizoaffective disorder and have to really force myself to shower and clean my teeth.
re the showering - sometimes I just feel very flat and it’s a real effort but usually it’s sensory issues that put me off which I find hard to admit.
I hate getting wet and cold so I’ve bought a power shower where I can control the temperature and if the air temperature is cold I put the heating up beforehand. I have large bath towels to dry with. So that makes the experience pleasanter.
I also know that ppl would gossip and bitch about my bo if I didn’t shower.
So now I manage to shower in the morning at least 5 x a week if not more. And wash with wipes in the evening.
So really sit your husband down and ask for honesty re the showering. Is it a sensory issue and what could improve the experience? Is he having psychotic symptoms eg does he feel he’s being watched when undressed in the shower and does that make him feel uncomfortable?
re the teeth. First make him an appointment with a sympathetic hygienist. Then when his teeth are properly clean, agree that he will at least clean them before bed.
I actually find cleaning my teeth hard as my anti psychotic meds make me less dexterous and slower. So to force myself to do it I go to the poshest dentist I could find, that way I know I would die of embarrassment if they found out I wasn’t brushing regularly.
Its totally normal for ppl with serious mental illnesses to struggle with hygiene by the way.
I hope your husband is getting PIP, his care co ordinator should help him to apply if not.

Have you told him it's not nice for you? Is he still medicated? Also wierd question, do you have a nice bathroom, maybe a waterfall shower which is really nice?

Nb reason I ask about meds is that they can affect your clarity of thought.