Childhood friends dropped me

[Loz19901]

Hey all, just need some advise as I navigate through my mental health journey and newly diagnosed bipolar disorder and BPD.

I have a group of close friends since year 8, I'm not 34. Around 5 of use. We have been friends through me moving to the UK in 2007 at 16, weddings, separations, children, mental health ect. I've been the flakey friend, due to my MH id go quite for weeks at a time, they were understanding and aware I may have had mental health issues. Nothing changed for years, id go back home maybe once every 2 years but nothing ever changed. We'd pick it up where ever we left off.

Recently, I went through the worst spell of mental health ive ever had, new meds, hospital stay. We have a group chat and its only ever me that reaches out. I have rang them separately on several occasions, stating 'I just need to hear a familiar voice', or ring me back when your able to 'would love to catch up'. Its always I'm sorry I'm busy, 1 week later and never any arrangement to ring back. Or I've got lots on with the kids. I have been visiting home more then ever in the last 2 years but unfortunately they are never able to make fixed plans even weeks ahead as have busy lives. One friend of ours is getting married and they are all united as bridesmaids, this friend I lost contact with years ago. I do reach out in the group and say I'm feeling a little out of sorts, aware everyone ia busy, cant seem to get hold of anyone but missed them all dearly. I got a formal response from them all stating they were busy, sorry for this ect ect. It was like they were talking to someone they didn't know.

I'm not sure if to now cleanse myself of this, and realise people do grow apart. That our friendship may no longer be and let them know? My mental health has never been a issue for them. I just feel I'm the only one reaching out, and quite upset at the fact I have needed them more then ever and it takes weeks for a reply. Please help x

You know what, some people are better at keeping in touch/being a good friend than others. You're the one who's good at it. Great friendships happen when two people are both good at being friends meet up.

I say stop bothering. You've made all the effort for ages, so let it be now.

You say you are reaching out but do you ever ask how they are? Do you ever share fun things with them or are you always asking for support? Honestly I would find this draining. It all sounds quite one sided with you ‘reaching out’ to discuss your problems. If you said ‘hey I’m back how about we go for a meal & drinks’ they might be more likely to come along.

hey yeah, I tried this recently, a simple hey how are you if you need a chat im here. Or would you like meal and catch up, some you time ect. Im trying that too, I know I can be alot. I even sent uber eats vouchers to them to take some time out and show im thinking of them x

I think you are expecting too much from your friends.

These are people you used to know a long time ago, now you just get in touch to tell them that you need help.

It’s really understandable that their lives have moved on.

I’d put your energy into making a new circle where you live now.

2 things

1.Some of this isnt about you.

Life really starts in your 30s. You get busier there's more going on, sick parents, mortgages, jobs get more serious, you start having health issues (back problems, Knee problems, wisdom teeth whatever...)

People have less time.

2.Separately as you get older you also get fussier about friendships and you want a 2 way street more.
Their "understanding of your mental health issues" may just be at an end.
My husbands uni friendship group has a different/ similar thing with one of the members (shes an anorexic with a drinking problem) and honestly its hard for them.
its tricky to find time to meet up and everytime they do her behaviour overshadows it... if she isnt hysterically crying about something or other OR injuring or concussing herself, she is slurring her words while random men rub her thighs and try and sexually assault her and the group have to play tag team to prevent her being raped. Basically everyone has to "look after her" ... 15 years of that is fatiguing.
They just want a chilled catch up.
At this point some of them just cant face it - they like her as a person (so do I!) but they cannot put up with her behaviour.

Weirdly they have NEVER directly addressed this with her. Even the women who are her closest friends in the group.and yes Ive told husband how crazy this is!!!

It might be the friendship has run it course.

you should focus on yourself and getting stable / getting med mix right. Being bipolar is hard.

Hmm. I’d ask, what do you give back to these friends? I can see above that you’ve said about wanting to hear a friendly voice, wanting to catch up - have you given the kind of love and support to them as friends in the past that you’d like to receive from them now?

It sounds a bit like you’ve dipped in and out as a friend, their lives may have moved on a lot while you’ve not been present. It could be that they don’t feel they can be the providers of friendship and support when they’ve not receive that consistently back from you.

When you see or speak to them is much of that taken up with you telling them about your mental health issues?

That sounds crap OP , I’m sorry 😢

@Loz19901

"My mental health has never been a issue for them"

It seems it is now though?

Previously supportive friends may just have compassion fatigue.

Could that be a possibility?

I just don’t know people want to be offered a chat. When I meet up with friends it’s a treat & I want to look forward to what restaurant or bar we will go to & would be disappointed if a friend used this as an opportunity for a chat about their mental health.

I am on the fence with this op. I had a friend who has struggled with mental health. She has my sympathies but her flaky behaviour means I no longer bother with her. She would suddenly ignore me for months when I messaged but message others back or randomly post things on Facebook about how people are busy and may not respond to messages etc.

She doesn't seem to realise that blanking people for months means they may not be interested when she is ready to communicate because there lives have moved on. The last time I met up with her she talked at me for about an hour about her problems. She never once asked me how things are for me. I ran into her at a party and it was the same situation.

I just dont bother anymore with her as I don't want to be picked up and dropped when ut suits her. My life has moved on and she hasn't been a friend to me. I have tried to support her but really got nothing back. Have a long hard think about how you have treated these friends over the years. Have you picked them up and dropped them as suited you? Have you only bothered when you need something? Is thw friendship a 2 way street or one sided?

My chat wasnt about me but about THEM, to listen to them, catch up. Not about me x

Have you met up with them in recent years without talking about your mental health journey except in passing and then moving on to reciprocal chit-chat about sport, holidays, jobs, babies, life?

Asking if someone fancies a meal and a catch-up sounds fine but with the background you’ve given I might read “Hey, How are you? If you need a chat I’m here…” as a fairly crude inversion of your desire to have another heavy session about feelings, Life, and your mental health.

It sounds like they might have got compassion fatigue unfortunately. It sounds awful but I know it can be very draining if every time you meet someone. - and most of us are very busy, you are going over the same stony ground, exhaustively. As is probably obvious I have been and continue to be, to a degree, on the other side of this. Sadly I don’t look forward to meeting up because it has been relentless for years. It’s also quite startling that on rare occasions when something very big has been going on in my life, it gets either no talking time or a fairly brief “hygiene” outing, even when very dramatic and serious, before she slips back into her comfortable groove of talking about her situation and feelings about family members or whatever. Before we meet or at the beginning, she’s say “You must tell me about X…” but in fact she can’t focus on anything but her MH or own situations for long at all. It’s been 15 years now.

You say you’ve tried to be more outward looking “recently” when contacting them which suggests you didn’t even do this before so, perhaps wrongly, I am assuming you have been very one sided for years and past contact has been very much you “reaching out” about your own problems.

There is rightly a lot of emphasis about openness about MH and that is infinitely preferable to the shame that used to exist about it but recovery or the illness itself can make people very self involved and just as people eventually get weary of hearing about any single topic at length every time they meet, be that Thea’s ballet brilliance or someone’s Strava stats and cycling regime, the same is true if it is health, mental or physical. If someone has cancer or BP disorder we would naturally focus on that and it would dominate meet ups close after diagnosis or after significant developments but years down the line if it is still the main narrative of every meet up then I think people get weary. It’s worse than Strava stats precisely because it is more important and personal and awful for the person concerned so it’s not mere boredom, it’s emotional exhaustion.

I think it’s really helpful to try to consciously ring fence time spent with people who aren’t professionally involved with supported you through your illness as time away from that illness. Your friends want to know how you are but you could give yourself the task of giving short resumes. “Work’s okay, don’t let me forget to tell you about the new intern! Mum’s still not well. I’m up and down, same old same old but giving x a go at the moment but anyway, you’re in the new house now aren’t you? How was the move? Have you got any photos on your phone? …”

I don’t especially want to talk about myself either if I am out socially. I prefer to chat about what is on menu, holidays, latest news, updates on what people are up to. So just general nattering. It all sounds a bit intense.

Also you can’t disappear & then expect people to be available just because you fancy a meet up.

Do I understand right they are abroad?
This is kind of a fact of being in separate countries. Friendships do simmer out much more than if you are physically closer and see each other more often. First years are easy, one goes visit, all is fine and dandy. Then it just goes away.
Some friendhips survive it, many don't. IfI count right you were actually a friendship group physically only for like 3 years then you moved abroad? I will be honest, I am impressed it lasted for years after that.

They’re probably catching up with each other on an ongoing basis. It’s harder with a friend who has moved away, admits they dip in and out, and reaches out to say they’re needing help. People have learned to protect their own peace.

I'd put it down to you moving away, but if you moved away long ago and have been visiting every couple of years and it's been fine then maybe it's not that.

So do you think it's because of your diagnoses? So before they maybe put your behaviour down to you being a bit anxious or a bit depressed, or other more understood MH issues - but now you've been diagnosed with BD and BPD they're backing off?

It may not be, it maybe something else has changed, maybe they've all had kids and you haven't and they have all moved on due to that. Do you think that could be the case? When you have children it completely changes your life and you often tend to gravitate towards people with kids around the same age.

I think your best option is probably to accept that for whatever reason they've moved on. It is sad and hard but it happens a lot for a whole host of reasons. Concentrate on making new friends where you are