Advice needed about what type of therapy/therspist I should be looking for.

[Sparklechicken]

I want to give therapy another go.

Therapy is for fairly grim history of family based trauma, abuse, scapegoating and neglect going back to childhood which all came to a head during lockdown. Situation now at arms length with family members at low or no contact but relentlessly trying to unpick and understand a lot both about what happened and about myself and will be more to deal with going forwards due to family circumstances.

Have previously had therapy twice, both times self referred on the NHS. The first time was 12 sessions of targeted CBT (think fear of flying or similar) and was very useful for specific issue.

The second time was for the family/trauma etc issues I'm still trying to deal with now. I was referred as soon as face to face appointments became available again post Covid. My therapist basically never spoke during the sessions, at all. It was like a blank page each week and I was literally talking to myself, like I had been during lockdown, just in a different location. They were given an extension by their supervisor at week 8 then changed gear and heavy handedly pushed some what I've since found out were Gestalt exercises into the last couple of sessions, which they couldn't explain and it was all a bit of a disaster. While I greatly appreciate that the NHS provides talking therapy and the self referral system itself was excellent it wasn't a great experience.

I stuck with the sessions because initially I was so relieved to be able to see someone and couldn't afford private therapy at the time. I kept thinking it would pick up or change (and also have chronic people pleasing tendencies and blame myself easily). I've since treated it as a learning experience, that I probably need something more targeted and communicative, a therapist who will stop or challenge or steer or something. It's been a couple of years now and I can just about afford private rather than NHS. I keep flicking through the BACP directory like Tinder without really knowing what type of therapy/therapist would be useful.

Any suggestions, thoughts, experience greatly appreciated.

Without wanting to give away my background, it's similar to yours, I had an assessment session once and I was recommended CAT - cognitive analytical therapy.

Its a talking therapy that focuses on relationship patterns based on the idea that our early life experience influence the way we relate to other people and how we treat ourselves.

Sounds as if that's what you need.

Best of luck.

Thank you @ArtfulUser I'm going off to have a look at that now.

I'd suggest a different way of thinking. No amount of rehashing the past will change what happened. Unpicking it is also unreliable, because you will be basing it on your memories and perceptions from childhood – even the conversations from five years ago are unlikely to be completely accurate (and, of course, will only be what you heard, not the meaning behind it).

Rationally you know this is true, but there's a part of your emotional mind that is absolutely determined to find concrete answers, because that's the only way it believes that you'll be at peace. Given that this is never going to happen to the satisfaction of everyone involved there's only one workable solution - to let it go.

I don't mean to forgive and forget, I mean to break the emotional links with the past and accept that there's no answer to be found. These things happened, you weren't at fault (so you don't need to make changes) and you are no longer defined by the past.

Thanks for replying @Eyesopenwideawake Unfortunately, while what you suggest would be lovely, it is however proving impossible to achieve and most definitely requires change, hence the fact I'm seeking help.

Sorry, I should have said that that was the sort of therapy I'd recommend – it would be very difficult to do it on your own. Have a look at my AMA on remedial hypnosis; lots of info on there.