19 year old son severe mental health issues

[Autumngirl7]

I am not sure if I am writing this in the correct area but il start and hope for the best.
I am in a desperate situation with my 19 year old son. He has severe ADHD diagnosed with ASD traits. He is def showing all ASD signs but refuses this diagnosis.
Hard to find words to explain how ill he is but I will try. Basically he has no care or sense of responsibility. He lives only for his friends. Since driving he has continuously been caught speeding, never pays for parking (we have had to pay £750 of fines for him as he doesn’t have a job. He has no remorse. When you speak to him he just looks vacant and says “oh yeah I forgot etc” never learns. He has been addicted to weed in the past and would tell lies constantly. He is very secretive. He can not hold down a job for any period. He suffers with anger issues and is scary to be around. He has porned items behind our backs to make money. He never wants anything to do with the family, never eats with us or comes out for dinner. If you challenge him he just walks off and get really angry. He has a 9 year old brother who he rarely acknowledges. My partner has said he will no longer pay for the fines etc.
Yesterday he smashed into the back of another vehicle and the excess is £600. I can’t afford it. He has a criminal record for a fight at a football match although generally has not been a fighter. He is very mouthy.
His bedroom is foul. Carpets beyond disgusting, never puts washing in the washing bin, bottles and cups all over floor etc. I have tried everything to try and make him tidy his room and most importantly to spend some time with his brother but nothing will ever get through.
I am writing this as I need some help. There appears to be No service I can talk to. He refuses any medication constantly asking for money. I am scared to say no as he has also tried to take his life twice before. I am so desperate and there are no answers or I can’t find anyone that has ever had a child like this. Adult SS appears to be for more disabled adults that need help getting dressed etc. He refuses to speak to a therapist or anybody and thinks he is fine as he is.
I can’t cope much longer and getting to a bad place in my head. Any words of support/ advice/ wisdom/ info would be so helpful.

The messy room is the ADHD coupled with being a teenager, that’s not ideal but I would help him with that because a tidy space can do wonders for ADHD.
He’s probably mentally about 14 and will be well behind his peers. he sounds so similar to me at that age but I was living alone and it was terrible. I was so depressed and couldn’t keep up.
He needs that medication. I would try anything to convince him to get on the meds and say you will give him extra support with keeping his life organised, etc, if he can just take the medication.
He is an adult physically and can drive but he’s not the emotionally and mentally ready. I was exactly the same with parking and speeding and it really wasn’t intentional, I just couldn’t cope - it was like 13/14 year old being behind the wheel. You have to look at it like he’s much younger. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

He’s self medicating with the weed but if you get him on the medication it should help hopefully. He might dabble with drugs for a while, I did but I was undiagnosed and self medicated. Does he have something he loves like music ? Skateboarding? Art? Bearing in mind that he’s much younger than his years, I would focus on finding something he’s passionate about and supporting him with that. Eg enrolling in a music production course at college. Then just a very easy part time job at a supermarket maybe just one day per week.

My advice ( as a mum of a now adult son with ASD and a significant eognosied mental illness)
Call the police every single time he wrecks your home, threatens you with physical harm and so on. The police can access urgent MH assessments if this is behind the presenting behaviours. they will have very strong words if a person is being manipulative and or abusive.

Speak with MIND. Young Minds do not provide support for adults over 18. MIND can also contact urgent MH support if they believe a person is in a genuine crisis.

He is now of an age that he would fall under the CMHT not CAHMS. This means if he chooses not to engage and he does not warrant a section there is little you can do except protect your own sanity and home.

Seriously consider if accepting moving to a supportive bedsit is best for everyone. Talk with MIND, SS etc and find out how to begin to locate such. We had to do this as I could no longer stand the chaos and so on. Turns out this was the best thing I could do as he finally hit the criteria for a MIND supported flat. He does have a strong history of voluntary sections related to his serious mental illness (bipolar) We get on so much better now I am no longer his 24/7 carer, he engages with CMHT to stay as well as he can and he has made more progress in learning life skills because he has had to.

Go private and try the meds if you can afford it.

However be mindful that if he has asd then those traits are likely to become dominant.

My dd couldn't tolerate the meds and it made her asd very out there.

She was inattentive rather than impulsive

However also talk to the prescriber about an ssri too as that will help with the anxiety

Brought about by living with adhd and asd. He may be internalising this emotion and it comes out in anger.

Ssri was amazing for my dd

Just wanted to ask the OP how things are? I am in a similar situation and it’s so tough… very happy to share any ideas/ strategies you may have

You sound scared of him. He sounds like he's behaving badly. Try to use protocol as it were to manage him. Clear consequences. If he kicks of call the police. Detaining him under section will require a mental health act assessment and if he is genuinely suicidal he will get admitted but if he's just saying it to get what he wants it's not a mental illness as such although threats of suicide comes under personality disorder diagnosis so that's an option. Use the 'rules', legal and social. He's 19. He needs to grow up or he needs support and care. Possibly both.