19 year old son severe mental health issues

[Autumngirl7]

I am not sure if I am writing this in the correct area but il start and hope for the best.
I am in a desperate situation with my 19 year old son. He has severe ADHD diagnosed with ASD traits. He is def showing all ASD signs but refuses this diagnosis.
Hard to find words to explain how ill he is but I will try. Basically he has no care or sense of responsibility. He lives only for his friends. Since driving he has continuously been caught speeding, never pays for parking (we have had to pay £750 of fines for him as he doesn’t have a job. He has no remorse. When you speak to him he just looks vacant and says “oh yeah I forgot etc” never learns. He has been addicted to weed in the past and would tell lies constantly. He is very secretive. He can not hold down a job for any period. He suffers with anger issues and is scary to be around. He has porned items behind our backs to make money. He never wants anything to do with the family, never eats with us or comes out for dinner. If you challenge him he just walks off and get really angry. He has a 9 year old brother who he rarely acknowledges. My partner has said he will no longer pay for the fines etc.
Yesterday he smashed into the back of another vehicle and the excess is £600. I can’t afford it. He has a criminal record for a fight at a football match although generally has not been a fighter. He is very mouthy.
His bedroom is foul. Carpets beyond disgusting, never puts washing in the washing bin, bottles and cups all over floor etc. I have tried everything to try and make him tidy his room and most importantly to spend some time with his brother but nothing will ever get through.
I am writing this as I need some help. There appears to be No service I can talk to. He refuses any medication constantly asking for money. I am scared to say no as he has also tried to take his life twice before. I am so desperate and there are no answers or I can’t find anyone that has ever had a child like this. Adult SS appears to be for more disabled adults that need help getting dressed etc. He refuses to speak to a therapist or anybody and thinks he is fine as he is.
I can’t cope much longer and getting to a bad place in my head. Any words of support/ advice/ wisdom/ info would be so helpful.

where is he getting the money for all the weed and cars? it sounds like you are enabling him. I would take the car away and sell it to pay any remaining fines and he can have one when he shows responsibility by holding down a job for atleast 6 months. I think if he’s speeding and crashing you need to think of his safety and the safety of others.

Also if he’s holding suicide over you call the police and have him admitted. He obviously knows how to manipulate and seems like an empty threat to get what get what he wants

This sounds awful and I don’t have any experience. But could you somehow get his friends to help him?

Some organisations that might be helpful:

Autistic Society https://www.autism.org.uk
Young Minds https://www.youngminds.org.uk/
Family Lives https://www.familylives.org.uk/
National Domestic Abuse helpline https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

I would contact the above organisations, they all have good helplines, and get advice on keeping yourself safe and strategies for dealing with his behaviour. If he threatens to kill himself, contact NHS Direct option 2 and get advice from the mental health team.

Ultimately he sounds abusive so contact the NDAH, details above, for advice on keeping everyone safe.

i’m sorry to hear this OP. The first thing I would do is take away his access to the car. Literally hide the keys.

Remove the car keys. Until he has his own income, he can walk.

Yes, remove the car keys as it’s not safe for him to drive on the roads. Talk to your partner about the best time to do this.
If your son threatens suicide then call the police or for an ambulance.

In relation to pawning your belongings then perhaps report this to the police as theft. He needs to be stopped before he moves on to a more serious crime involving people outside of your family. It may put your son on a pathway to becoming supported to go on meds.

Sadly he is a danger to himself and others and you are enabling that by funding his activities such as driving. You need to stop. Be grateful that he drove into another vehicle rather than a pedestrian or a tree and take this as the wake up call that you need.
As for younger DS I do not understand why you want to encourage older DS to interact with him - he is likely to be a very bad influence.

If he threatens suicide call the MH crisis line and the police. Say he's a danger to himself and others. Tell them about the dangerous driving as well. He may end up on a psych ward. I'll bet you anything he'll suddenly snap out of it then.

Thank you to all that replied. Just to clarify a few things that I didn’t make clear. He has been in and out of jobs for the last three years which is how he had his own money. He does have love to how his brother and me and grandparents etc but only by words. He adores his little Brother telling him he loves him all the time.
I called the crisis team when he tried to take his own life. They came to our home but all they did was talk to him, give him some “useful” phone numbers and went on their way. I have no faith in the MH system after this. I am scared of removing the car because I believe he may try and take his own life again or smash his room etc. I am
not sure what the police would do? He is currently doing community service for fighting at football so this would send him straight to jail. If I remove the car how will he commute to work etc? We live in a remote area.
Has anyone experienced anyone like this before. His head just doesn’t think or care about consequences. He will say sorry but just do it again the next day. Like something is seriously missing. I’m just scared for him.

he shouldn’t be driving in his mental state to be honest, commuting will have to be by bus, taxi, bike. the police- if he’s threatening suicide will admit him to a psyche ward not put him in jail.

Sadly the police do nothing when he tried to unlive himself before.

How is he paying the car insurance? It must be extortionate for a 19 year old and even more so now he's had an accident. If he is on your insurance then take him off with immediate effect and let him sort it out himself.

im really sorry you are going through this, it sounds just awful. Are they any groups you could go to for advice, in NI there is a group called CAUSE which supports parents with a mentally unwell child. I think similar are Young Minds or the Mental Health Foundation.

Yes he is a named driver. I don’t think there any that I know of. Been searching all day.

Does he actually have a mental illness ?
like depression, an anxiety disorder or more serious ?
has he had an assessment ?
is this emotional dysregulation related to his adhd ??

if u can get an idea of what the problem is, that can help direct what treatment he may benefit from ?
adhd medication ?
emotion regulation skills
antidepressants ?

It sounds like he’s not suffering real consequences to his actions.

I would lock the car keys in a metal box. Any sign he has been smoking weed or is behaving badly, no access to the keys.
Don’t pay his fines. If he did the crime, he pays.

Any aggression, call the police. I think it’s very unlikely he would be sectioned even if threatening suicide, the threshold is so high at the moment. But he needs to know you won’t tolerate this behaviour.

His bedroom? I would give him a week to tidy up and tell him if it is not done, you will go in and bin everything.

Will be help with jobs around the house or garden, it would.give him something positive to do, even if you have to pay him?.

Does he get on with your partner? I assume partner is not his Dad. Is he angry about Dad? Can Dad, or partner help, or any relative, talk to him without making demands but listen to him and his worries, and explain how you all feel?

Hopefully the community service will give him time to think and he will realise he has to stop the speeding.

There may be nothing you can do, except provide a safe home for him to return to. He has to work it out for himself as part of growing up.

Let him grow up and spend time with friends, that's not a problem in itself. Mine is in bedroom all the time and has no friends. But he needs to learn to pick the right friends, however you have no control over that so no point dwelling on it.

It's great that he's loving to his grandparents and brother, build on this. Make sure he knows you care but also you feel a bit frightened.

Stop giving him any money.

Driving is a privilege not a right. I get that you are remote and the need too get to work but that shouldn't come at the expense of the safety of others. Has he done any post test driving courses? Do you think he might benefit from something like this?

I have had problems with my neck since I woman drove into the back of my mum's car when I was 8 whilst not paying attention. My fil was left with PTSD after a reckless driver crashed into his car and left him severely injured.

You mention in your title severe mental illness, what mental illness are you concerned about? Do you think his ADHD impacting his ability to drive safely? If so he needs reporting to the DVLA for a medical license and regular (every 1-3 years) assessments to determine if he is safe to continue driving. I'm bipolar and have a medical driving license as my bipolar can mean i lack the insight to drive safely. This is mostly when I'm manic before diagnosis I crashed my car twice in 2 months in a manic episode. I know that to keep driving I have to stay engaged with treatment and trust others when they say I'm losing insight to drive safely. From your description here I question whether your son has the insight to know when he is and isn't safe to drive.

You have to be really tough on him.

He could kill someone, or himself in a car accident.

He needs therapy ASAP, visit to GP for medication perhaps, no car.

Why is he so angry and rebellious?

It's not just neurodiversity issues.

Thanks everyone. Basically he has ADHD, depression, ODD. I feel there may be more than this too. We have removed the car from him and now his anger is brewing fast. He tried to drive it but we refused. He has no money and still not interested in looking for a job. He is scaring me due to his anger and complete lack of care or concern for his behaviours. It’s like he can’t feel empathy at all. He’s just gone out with a friend. I’m scared of tomorrow.
I feel he is stuck in a dark place. He needs urgent treatment mentally but they won’t section him. I’m thinking quickest route would be to get ADHD meds privately as he has an NHS dr and private for adhd. I just hold hope that the meds may calm his brain make him think more maturely ??

Is there a possibility of mania? Mania isn't always euphoric and can be associated with a lot of negative energy as much as positive energy. It's a state I find quite difficult, it could be that the combination of ADHD and depression is giving a similar effect. low mood and energy can be quite toxic

Say he was sectioned what would you hope that this would achieve? Admission generally are about short term stabilisation ensuring a person gets to a safe place and then releasing them. The long term changes and stabilisation would usually come from the community and also would need buy in from the person in order for them to continue any treatment started in hospital. It doesn't sound like he's in a place where he's ready to engage, has this always been the case? I've been mentally ill my entire adult life and honestly external help is only a small part of treatment. it's benefit is very limited until you are in a place to work with the treatment to find the path for you. There's only so much a family member or professional can do until then.

At 19, it’s time for some tough love. I suspect he’s doing drugs. Whilst he is behaving in this irresponsible manner, you ask him to leave, and don’t let him back until he shows you some respect. ‘Loving’ him the way you do, isn’t working.

@Autumngirl7
Yes definitely agree, he needs ADHD medication to calm his brain.
Please let us know how he gets on 💐

Thank god you took the car keys. He could kill someone. If he kicks off tomorrow phone the police. And keep phoning them every time.