Children's behaviour going to send me over the edge

[Str3ss3douttoth3max]

I'm really hoping anybody has some advice to help, I'm on the verge of a breaking down and I don't know what to do.
I have sought help medically for myself but it's not working and things are getting worse and worse. I've put it under mental health because I'm looking for help for me, I have realized after a long time that I need to focus on myself and how to sort my own needs out first to help everyone else. So just looking on how I can change me.

It stems from My 2 childrens behaviour (and somewhat trying to support husband with his own mental health) which is absolutely awful to try and cope with, the tantrums, fighting, meltdowns (from the children) etc. they don't seem to be able to comprehend what I'm saying when I'm asking things simply (i.e get shoes on they're at the front door or could you please put the toys in the boxes). They don't argue about it, they just stand there staring half the time like I've just spoken another language. The youngest (5) is currently under speech and language and we've worked so hard to try and help him vocalise his needs which he is getting better at slowly, but he gets overwhelmed half the time that he ends up hitting or screaming crying. It's heartbreaking seeing him so frustrated. The eldest has over the top meltdown over the smallest of things, he can't play independently and needs constant attention.
They can't play together, it ends in a fight within seconds. They argue from morning to night and I have got to the point where I feel like I'm having to raise my voice constantly to get them to listen.
I don't ask over and over and will always try and explain calmly if they're not sure what I've said, but I'm so physically and mentally drained that I'm finding I'm snapping at them now and I hate myself for it.
They punch each other and hit.
I've tried 'time out', reward charts, ignoring, taking away privileges (TV etc). Nothing works, within minutes it's like nothing happened. They have consequences but it's as though they don't care, even when it's something that is meaningful.

Where have I gone wrong? I feel like I'm failing miserably. I've not got much help from extended family and husband is not really helping emotionally, he just doesn't understand but he does do his share of things like picking up from school, clubs and somewhat with the housework. But right now I need a break and feel like everything (family life, husbands work and mental health issues and my work, general things and everyday life) is just too much. I'm about to break if I haven't already. I don't even feel sad or mad most of the time, just empty if that makes sense? I'm forgetting things and my thoughts are so muddled I forget what I'm saying, my anxiety is through the roof so much so I'm struggling to get out the front door sometimes, I cannot go to crowded and unfamiliar places, driving somewhere new is causing anxiety, I'm constantly fearful that someone I love is going to die or get hurt. My children are my life but I'm at my wits end.

Any advice is really appreciated, but I realize this turned into me just whining about my life.

If your 5 year old is under speech and language, they may well have issues with processing instructions. Is it possible that your older child is the same?

With regard to routines etc I would strongly suggest looking at visual timetables and prompts, so your children can follow picture prompts - verbal instructions don’t seem to be working.

How old is your older child?

Don’t expect them to play together.

Reward them for playing separately.

Reward them with short amounts of your time and attention (individually).

Punishments obviously aren’t working, so stop making yourself feel like a failure, and stop doing them.

I know that Mumsnet will hate this suggestion, but as the parent of a ND child, I would consider whether neurodiversity could be at play here in all of you. Poor mental health, difficulty understanding/following routines, speech and language difficulties, anger issues, meltdowns, lack of care about/effectiveness of consequences, high attention needs, forgetfulness, anxiety…. You’ve mention all of these, and more, in relation to difference members of your family and yourself.

I’m NOT suggesting that you need to seek assessment. I’m suggesting that there may be benefits in looking at strategies which could work for adults and children with the sort of difficulties you are experiencing.

What have the speech and language team said about your younger child? What does school say about the older one?

It's time your husband DID understand - he can't just cop out of dealing with HIS children. Sit him down, tell him that he need to starts massively upping his game. Therapy will help you recover but unless he co-parents rather than being an added burden then it will be really tough.

@Littlefish has very good advice. I won’t repeat it all as that can be overwhelming.

Agree that Littlefish has given you some excellent advice.

Both of mine are ND and very rarely played together when they were younger. In fact DC1 has ADHD and if left to their own devices would try and seek a dopamine hit from winding up DC2.

How are the SaLT sessions going? Has the SaLT suggested any other referrals like maybe to an OT?

How old is DC1 and how do they do on this simple progress checker?

Some suggestions from someone who had very similar behaviour in my 2 children:

1. Punishment and consequences dont work for some children, and too stressful for parents, specially when the kids effectively outnumber the parents. Leave them for scary nanny wotsit on TV. I just gave then reasons, if you dont eat your food you will get hungry. If you don't get dressed you will get cold. If you dont hurry up we will be late.

1. Catch them being good, whatever it is, WOW you have got 1 sock on, well done! They want your praise. You want to praise them.

1. Be kind to yourself, you're doing a very difficult job with minimal support. Its very difficult to have 2 close together and completely exhausting. Try not to loose your temper with them but forgive yourself if you do.

1. Re-explaining with more words may not work. I found I had to get his attention with "listen' then his mame, then wait until he was in 'receive mode', and then speak very clearly, looking at their face. Repeat same words if they look blank, until they get it. My son is very bright but anxious snd struggled with communication as if his brain is elsewhere.

1. Prepare them in advance for what is coming next. E.g. we are doing this now and then we will get dressed then have breakfast. And/or ask them to do something well before they actually need to do it. 'You will need to start getting get dressed in x minutes.'

1. Get them to help you with simple tasks, cooking or tidying, fetching things, to boost their confidence, rather than 'playing'.

My 2 never played and could not be left alone together as they would fight, but in adulthood are now best of friends and understand each other better than I understand either of them.

Good luck and maybe talk to his teachers or SEN if possible at school.

Well, Im on mumsnet and I think you are spot on. Visual timetables are a great idea and also throw out the window any ideas about what your children ‘should’ be doing. My 10 yo still can’t find and put on her own shoes. She needs more help than other children so I don’t kill myself trying to get her to manage everything that might be age appropriate. Also look at being low demand, cut right back on the number of activities and things they need to do. They could be overwhelmed which could be feeding the bad behavior. My dh also has mental health problems and probably undiagnosed adhd, so I know what it can feel like to be the fixer for everyone 💐 for you.

@Gardendiary- great advice. I agree with ignoring what the OP thinks her children ‘should’ be able to do.

@Str3ss3douttoth3max imagine that they are 30% younger than their chronological age and start from there. Your 5 year old is displaying meltdowns more in line with a 2 year old. What would you be doing for a 2 year old - you’d certainly be helping them get dressed and organised in the morning. You probably wouldn’t be expecting them to play well with a sibling, without support etc etc etc

It’s also so important to continue seeking support for your own mental health. If the support you’re currently getting isn’t working, go back to your GP.

What support is your DH accessing?