Spectrum

[Whichone2024]

Hello

not really sure how to start this but currently going threw referral process for autism and adhd. (At the very beginning). I am 44.
i have struggled with mental health since my pre teens, with some good periods and many not so good. [redacted by MNHQ]
anxiety & overthinking is always there but currently managing it (seeing some specialists and it’s going well.)
many in my life (friends/family/prifessionals) have brought up autism/adhd with me for years and I always shot it down and got defensive because I had been bullied at school for being different and was labelled ‘weird, odd, etc etc). So even when some good friends said things with good intentions I would not listen and took it the wrong way (I realise now how good it feels to have friends who saw my differences yet always accepted me just the same)
anyway i had a mental health breakdown last year, partly a burnout as it got so exhausting hiding so much of myself feeling ashamed or behaving on what I should or shouldn’t do. Caring too much what others think.
the GP suggested I look into underlying diagnosis in the spectrum, and for the first time i I felt relief hearing that and it made sense. I was ready to listen which is good. So this is what we have been exploring since late last year.
well, what I do feel frustrated about is soem
people telling me why bother, it’s just a label, or everyone looking for a label these days etc.
i think I am ready to listen now because I have a little one who I owe to be the best version of myself I can be, and if I have autism/adhd which is affecting my mental health then I think it is good to know so I can better understand myself?

soemtimes I don’t even know what I like anymore and I let others tell me what I should do.
but it has been feeling so helpful and good exploring this path, I feel so much lighter and my eating is better too.
In guess my aibu is is it ok to feel annoyed be people questioning so much why I am seeking diagnosis and according to them jumping on a so called trend. ? How should I respond?
(btw I don’t think that, it’s other people)
also why do people keep thinking that when we know we know more these days?
I have been feeling good being more open and honest with people but when the conversations turn to diagnosis trends’ it makes me want to hide myself again and I don’t really know how to navigate this part.
Should I stop talking about it?
I try to tell people that actually it wasn’t as understood years ago and about masking etc.
I know i am being unreasonable thinking to much what others think when it should only matter my friends and family who all agree with what I am doing.
thank you for reading

Hi OP,

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health webguide. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected], if you event need more support.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Wish you the very best,
MNHQ

Ok thank you - I would just like to add I no longer self harm etc and I would not do anything like that now.
I’m just feeling frustrated that I am on this path of self discovery and some peoples opinions making me feel they think it’s pointless/meaningless when I know it’s not and how best to navigate this 🤷🏻‍♀️

Does anyone have advice on how I should
best deal with this? Is there something I can say to people to help them understand? Or should I just keep quiet? AIBU for asking this?
thanks

Hello @Whichone2024. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I have a child with ADHD and Autism. I've also had personal experience of mental health difficulties.

Whatever your personal decision about looking for diagnostic assessment and perhaps treatment - with the support of your GP who sounds helpful - you don't have any obligation to explain or advocate for or otherwise be a spokesperson for any condition or the decision to seek advice.

You might find it helps you to have a break from talking about it with people who are not doctors or otherwise qualified eg therapists/ psychologists.

Then, if friends ask you can say 'I'm having a break from talking about it'.

Wishing you all the very best.

@ModeratelyDepressedSelf
thank you for your response.
you are right that I should probably have a break from talking about it.
I think I probably think too much about trying to justify going for diagnosis when so many people tell me it’s just a ‘trend’ which really winds me up. I know that I should not let it get to me but it does. I guess I also want to find people to talk to who share a similar experience. It baffles me that I don’t actually know that many yet so many people are telling me everyone is diagnosed these days.
I don’t understand.
also how can one get diagnosed if it’s just for a trend anyway. I know it’s a very lengthy process and it was a decision that took me a long time to come to, recommended and referred by NHS staff. (Which means for me where I am it will be about 3 years until diagnosis) so i really don’t think the GP would suggest and refer to psychology, and then the psychologist has assessed and sent on a referral - none of this would happen for a trend.

(sorry I do tend to get fixated things that are hard to let go).
May I ask how long the process to diagnosis was for your child and how old it happened?
looking back at my school reports it was clear then but I think we know more about girls and masking etc and I was basically just labelled as an odd ball in a world of her own with a tendency to zone out.
only one teacher described it differently saying that I had a strange way of doing my work but that it worked for me and got me good results so she left me to it.
i hope you are doing ok with your mental health x

@Whichone2024 I think the first response is spot on.

earlier this year my child's partner started down the path of diagnosis for Adhd. They chose to tell no one but me. I chatted to child's partner about what the process might look like and also asked them what had moved them to seek a diagnosis. They said they just wanted to understand themselves better.

that seems fair enough to me. I think we all try to understand ourselves, in our different ways and with different success rates.

good luck in wherever your journey takes you

@user1471453601
thank you for your response
you must be a very lovely and understanding and non judgmental person that out of everybody you are the one personal they felt safe enough to talk to.

yes maybe I should stop talking to so many people! I think because I got bullied so much for being different I am in a cycle also of trying to justify my odd behaviours that others may or may not even notice.

could I ask you guys is there a page here or somewhere else I can talk more about this? I kept in in for so many years and know I want to talk about it but even the people
ik my life I feel closer to, well I don’t want to talk their ears off I do that enough already.

thank you both x

@Whichone2024 thanks for your reply and the compliment.

I try to be understanding and non judgemental. The operative word there is "try". I fail as often as I succeed.

I wish I could answer your question, but I don't have the answer 😔.

Again, could luck on your journey and well done for seeking your answers.

My DH regularly gives talks about autism at his work place and is often met with the type of cynical questions you mention

His standard response is - For decades I’ve been led to believe that I’m the problem. Getting a diagnosis changed everything, because I now understand that there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just different. The problems I encounter are not because I’m different but because the world I live in was not designed to work for people like me. As I can’t change myself, I’m now working on changing the world 😊

I hope you know that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you are exploring a diagnosis. This is YOUR life, not anyone else’s. But if you want to explain, may be knowing what other people say will help you.

While he was going through diagnosis, my DH became hyperfocused on autism and making sense of everything that had ever happened to him. He literally didn’t talk about anything else for two years, analysing situations he was in as a 6 year old, how he was treated at school, his first job, his relationship with his siblings etc etc.

I don’t know if you are as intense as that? But if you are, finding people who get it and finding a few different ways to work through those feelings & thoughts are key. My DH finds journaling useful and he’s also had a lot of support on different social media platforms (look for #actuallyautistic). A decade on, he still reads anything he can find on autism and gets to talk about it a lot by supporting colleagues at work. Having that wider support network means that me and him now occasionally talk about something else 😂

I’m honestly so proud of him - to see the transformation from someone who had been absolutely broken to someone who is now confidently owning his space. THAT’s the difference a diagnosis can make.

@RainOnTins
sorry for this late late reply.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed and overthink what to write that it takes a while to get back to it, and sometimes I just get so lost in my own head.

I have been hyper focused on the subject too! But I will try the journaling too, thanks for the tip!
I will also check out the platforms that sounds like something I can benefit from too.
I talked with my boss about it all who has been very understanding- also turns out I haven’t masked as well as i thought I have and he is very supportive of the journey I am going on. It feels good to have that in the workplace and be able to feel more relaxed there.
thanks all x