Turned 40, and feel shit

[WherehastheZestgone]

I don't know what I want from this thread really.
Lately I have just lost energy and my zest for life. I'm usually such an upbeat, bubbly person, with a big smile. I just seem to look miserable now, and hide behind a false smile. I feel angry at the world, and life just seems to have constant dead-ends, with no light at the end of the tunnel.
The last 2 years have honestly been horrendous. I have had a bereavement of a very close relative, a cancer scare ongoing months, with multiple punch biopsies (thankfully negative), drug resistant epilepsy which has worsened with all of the stress; this has hugely affected my sleep. I'm on that many meds for my condition I don't know if I'm coming or going, doses constantly being "tweaked."
There's been awkward neighbours with a fence (long story), but it majorly pissed me off. My child has been officially diagnosed with AuADHD, and awaiting meds, school is a struggle. My other dc is having hearing issues and now needs tonsils & adenoids removed, and ears checked. Dh has been off work with stress, and has had therapy over his toxic estranged parents. My sibling is a narcissist, so I've had to distance myself for the sake of my kids. Dm is team "golden child", and keeps basically likening my neurological condition to psychiatric, and something I can apparently control.

I'm just more angry than anything. Anybody relate?
I'm a SAHM, probably unemployed tbh, as youngest started full time school a year ago. I had to give up work due to this stupid health condition, which makes me feel guilty, and like a complete failure. I also feel like I'm generally lost in life, all of my ambition has gone, I went to University with such enthusiasm, and excitement, and now it's all gone. I honestly don't know who I am anymore!

I honestly feel stuck in a rut, then all the shit going on in this country and the world in general. The worst part is I'm fed up of myself, because I'm actually really fortunate, so why the hell do I feel this way?!

Forgot to say I put a lot of weight on during Covid, so I lost 3 stones. I'm now slim, fit and healthy. This was before all of this though, so it's not like getting fit will make a difference either. I just don't know what to do with myself, and want to give myself a damn good shake!

You may be fortunate in many ways but you've also got a lot going on and it's ok to feel the way you do. We can't always be upbeat (as much as we may want to) and it sounds like stress is understandably taking its toll on your mood. Try to be kind to yourself and think how you would speak to a friend who had all of this going on. You wouldn't just expect them to snap out of it would you? That's not to say there aren't things you can do to feel better but maybe giving yourself some compassion might be a good start?

You're not a complete failure - raising two children is a huge achievement! I really understand how you feel about your health condition but this isn't your fault, you didn't choose it. You're justified in feeling sorry for yourself in the ways it's restricted your life but try not to berate yourself for it. I hope some of the stress lifts for you and things start to feel a bit easier 💐

Thank you, honestly your kind comments brought a tear to my eye. I feel shocked when people are nice, because I'm used to the opposite. It is like they're few and far between. I feel undeserving sometimes, and like it isn't okay to not be okay. All my life I've just happily pushed through, while being the one that gives everybody else advice. Infact I had to cut ties with one "friend", when I realised she was using me as an 'agony aunt.' As soon as she found out about my condition, I didn't hear much from her; it was very much one way.

When I lost my close relative, nobody knew what to say, then after 6 months it wasn't mentioned. Then a second relative died a few months later. I have been strong all of my life, even through two traumatic births, both babies in SCBU, but no I was fine, strong, fully dressed hours later. It's like I won't accept help, I don't know what's wrong with me.

It's like I show extreme understanding and kindness towards everybody else, but have an entire different set of rules for myself. I don't know why.

I also feel generally very closed off with friends now, like they'll dislike me when they get to know the real me, so tend to keep things surface level, as I find it too much effort, and feel like I'm turning unto a hermit. It doesn't help that my short term memory is rubbish, so I'll forget the names of movies etc. I feel like I'd be the second choice for people to want to be around, if no better option. Some days my conversation is better than others, on the bad days I'll avoid people at the school

Yes you are fortunate but that doesn't mean you can't feel the way you do. You've had a lot of stuff going on and it sounds like you're getting burnt out by it all, which is totally understandable. Have you spoken to your GP at all as it sounds like you may be suffering with depression. I'm sorry I haven't got any stellar advice to help you but just wanted to tell you that what you're feeling is valid and I really hope someone comes along with some great advice that could help you. 💐😊

Thanks, I don't know but no CBT can sort me out, I have a very strong and stubborn mind. I can't handle more medication either on top of my current meds. I feel like my moods are a roller coaster, and I've got no faith in the medical system after multiple misdiagnoses, and negligence within my family, ultimately leading to my parent's premature death.

I have never suffered from depression in my life, just some anxiety, I've always sort of lived on my nerves if this makes sense.

I also suspect I have some coexisting Adhd traits along with my condition, so I have no idea what's going on with me. Since my dc's diagnosis I'm sort of seeing some traits. I have informed the neurologist of this.

Perhaps it's that living on your nerves that's finally burned you out. Totally understand your not wanting more meds after all that with medical stuff. Maybe look into natural remedies. Also, you're at the age where peri can start kicking in which could be a possibility for why you're suddenly feeling the way you do. You definitely need to take time to concentrate on looking after yourself, which I know is difficult when you have kids, one being sen, but of you neglect yourself then you're only going to get worse. Really hope you can find the solution you need😊

Forgot to mention as well, I had an argument with dh, don't drive due to the epilepsy. I ended up walking a mile and a half, and sitting in a cemetery, I felt more at home there, with the dead, (disclaimer I'm not suicidal at all), adore my dcs, and they're my world. I think it was because I could have a good cry without looking like a complete nutter. It wasn't even the same cemetery my relative is in. I realised later I had hugely overreacted to the argument, and dh, and I are on good terms now.

Yes, thank you. It is definately exhausting; I'm on a constant fight or flight response usually, lately more flight due to being so despondent.
I just see all of these people sauntering around with grandparents, and picking dcs up, all big happy families, no divorces.
I don't know about peri, but periods regular, like clockwork, no other symptoms, but who knows. It wouldn't surprise me if yet another thing cropped up.

Thanks again, and sorry for my pessimism, I'm honestly pathetic.

I can relate to a lot of what you've posted OP . I think 40s are a rough ride for lots of ladies with changing hormones and the stage in life where there's likely a lot of bereavements of loved ones, health issues. Just generally that feeling you've been 'adulting' for a good couple of decades and would quite like to hit the pause button for a while. It can be easy to fall into a rut as life is busy and there's lots of plates to keep spinning. I've had days where I feel a bit like a moody teenager again and want to head back under the duvet for a wallow. I don't even have kids, so am in awe of women who manage to raise children as well as doing all the other stuff we need to do to survive!

I also have a shitty neighbour and it's draining. She has no concept of boundaries and has progressively been getting more rude and confrontational towards me and my DH over the years. I've now decided I don't have the energy to speak to her anymore and it's sort of liberating to be able to go into my garden without feeling compelled to try to find a reasonable compromise to her completely unreasonable requests.

I haven't read anything you wrote as being especially pessimistic, so please don't think that's how you come across to people and assume friends won't want to spend time with you.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding. I do definitely feel hormonal. I suffer from suspected endo, but now take meds for this that are helping.
You made me laugh when you said, "moody teenager", this is undoubtedly me at the moment. I have even broken out in a couple of spots on my jaw line, what the hell is happening?! You're not supposed to have this at 40.

I hear you completely on the neighbours, as I have stopped speaking to mine as well. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with people like this too.
I am one of those people that cannot be false or two faced. I avoid eye contact with them now, because they lack common decency. I'm grateful we've blocked them off with a 7 foot fence, (bought with some money my dead df left) me, which adds insult to injury, and I think exuberated my anger towards these people.

This is the thing though, I'm not even spinning. I'm unemployed due to this crazy health condition, and I'm not anywhere near overloaded like somebody who works on top of dcs. Before dcs I worked full time for years; it was a huge lifestyle change, and adjustment. Now the years have gone by, and my youngest is 5, as I'm finally emerging from the fog.

Since the bereavements and all of the stress, it's like I have this dragging feeling in my stomach, a part missing/hollowness. Life is a gift, and I don't want to feel this way, but cannot help it. The one person I need to speak to is dead.

Made my dc's a nice dinner, then had a beer, dh is working from home. I feel bad, as I shouldn't really drink.