If it wasn’t for my kids I wouldn’t be here!!

[imdonewiththisshit]

I’m struggling.

im diagnosed ocd, ppd and eupd. Have been for years and always managed very well from the outside other then a psychosis episode in 2021 no one would actually know, I’ve got very very good at masking and convincing people I’m fine.

well I’m not, in fact I’m so far from it I can feel myself hitting rock bottom. I took an overdose during 2021 and I feel like I’m getting back to that point.

I have absolutely no self esteem whatsoever. I cry when I look in the mirror.

the ppd (paranoid personality disorder) is taking over my life I’m convinced everyone is against me and I walk around with my head down as I think people are staring.

ive always hidden these conditions from my children and always been a fantastic mum. I don’t want to sound braggy but I honestly think I have to the best of my ability but if I didn’t have my children I wouldn’t be here, I don’t want to be here. I fantasise about being hit by a car or any other accident so it’s not my fault.

i don’t want sympathy I just needed to tell someone how I honestly feel

Living with paranoia is very hard, I say this as someone who suffers from paranoia due to schizoaffective disorder.

I also mask quite well when actually I regularly have psychotic symptoms such as hearing voices despite anti psychotics.

I did feel suicidal the other night as I have some chronic pain at present and it got a bit much really.
But I remember what it’s like to feel that way all the time and it’s awful, I used to have very bad depression, now I’m on Venlafaxine.

So I really can empathise with you.

All I can say is keep fighting, you’ve come this far, you can keep on doing this even though it’s exhausting.

I don’t have children sadly but I imagine that yes, they definitely would be a good reason for living.

I actually just adopted a kitten who got spayed yesterday and I’m quite worried about her as she’s hiding and not used her litter tray all day! So I’m keeping a close eye on her as she’s my little motivation to try to get more mentally stable.

@Imogenethank you for your reply. It is so hard. I hope you feel better soon 🫶🏼

Thanks @imdonewiththisshit. I hope you feel happier with life at some point too x

Ps my kitten has finally used her litter tray!! But has gone back into hiding. Oh well, I like a challenge!

Bump