Resilience and depression (TW suicidal ideation)

[SisterImpera]

I’m a long term sufferer of depression. Medicated, but not as much as I probably need to be (unhappy with the side effects even through it’s the best of all of the ones I’ve tried, and also wary of getting used to the maximum dose and then having nowhere to go - this has happened before and my doctor just shrugged as said “nothing I can do”).

The door of “suicide is a good option” was opened 30+ years ago and I am exhausted at how, when I have adverse life events or my depression is worsening, that door invites me through. it’s really painful for me and my family. I’ve had a couple of days now where I’ve thought of little else, but am coming out of that so not in any danger right now.

It’s one of the things that I really dislike about myself, that I can’t seem to go through any hardship without automatically lapsing into suicidal ideation. Other people have to deal with much worse than I do, and seem so much more resilent. I don’t know how to close that door, take away that option, and learn to just survive and get through like other people seem to.

Have any of you with a similar history of depression learned resilience, and how to go through tough times without turning to self harm? As I said, I think I’m coming out of my current crisis but I could do with some tips for the future.

Wow, I could have written this myself! You are already struggling and then adding an extra layer of emotions and shame on top by beating yourself up for ‘not being able to cope’. I do the same and it’s exhausting.

I’m really sorry you are struggling, it’s really tough. Are you in a position to get therapy? I did find a book called The Happiness Trap really helpful - don’t let the title put you off.

Also, just to add if you have been suffering from depression for years and have had thoughts of suicide but are still here - you are more resilient than you think, so give yourself some credit for still being here. It’s bloody hard when your brain is telling you otherwise. x

Other people have to deal with much worse than I do, and seem so much more resilent

I would put quite a lot of money on their being someone out saying that they admired your resilience, or your family or your sense of humour or your finely turned ankles (you get the picture!).

When we're under pressured or distraught or in a seemingly untenable situation the mind will consider every possible option open to it, including the ultimate one. Thankfully the vast majority will reject it – knowing the damage it will do to those left behind. I would bet that everyone you know and everyone on MN have had that thought, some fleetingly, others with real intent.

Please don't dislike yourself for thinking normal thoughts, it doesn't say anything bad about you - just that you are human. When those thoughts hit again accept that they are just part of the spectrum of options but one that you will never choose.