I’m 100% convinced I have BPD

[chick333]

I’m convinced I have BPD, I’m really struggling to get a diagnosis because medical centres are really dismissive towards me even thought I’ve tried like hundreds of times. I know I need to push more but I’m also scared of a diagnosis because it will be a reality I’ll have to live with. The reason I do think I have it is because I engage in impulsive drinking, spending, eating. I also struggle with maintaining healthy relationships and idealise them at the start which turns into hatred towards them and myself after a period of time. This month I have had intense days of anxiety and panic attacks to the point where I’m so emotionally dependent and my chest is so tight I can’t breathe properly because I’m scared of my current partner abandoning me because of an issue I’ve had that I didn’t handle so well because it turned into obsessive behaviour and periods of rage that I’m aware of and try to not act on as much as I can. My partner has been very supportive but my efforts of trying to not make the situation unfair on him have caused me to engage in massive meltdowns that turn into rage, self harm, drinking and hitting things in my room. I’m at uni but don’t see a future because I’m confused on who I am and can never set clear goals that I want to achieve.

Trust me its not a diagnosis you want on your medical records. Since I was diagnosed I actually get less help and treat like shit from nhs workers. It is one of most stigmatised mh conditions out there. And there is some physchiatrists who actually won't diagnose it even if they know full well you have it as they understand the reality of what it will mean for you going forward. You dont need a diagnosis to treat symptoms.

I agree with previous poster. Do you have a history of trauma, a difficult childhood? I'd argue most/all "BPD/EUPD" is complex trauma. Also often undiagnosed Neurodivergence. It does sound like you need support and have a lot of un met needs around. Are you on any medication or had any therapy? Can you access uni support services as a starting point?
Sorry things are so difficult. It definitely sounds like you need some support in helping you to regulate your emotions, feel less overwhelmed and getting in a tangle where you are self harming etc.

I agree with the previous posters. And I also want to add that a diagnosis in itself is not going to help you at all. That would be true even if that particular diagnosis didn't come with the stigma that has been mentioned.

What you probably do need is therapy and support to address your difficult thoughts and feelings. Diagnosis isn't the goal or the precondition of therapy.
Often, a particular diagnosis is just a shorthand redescription of the difficulties you are facing, and the label can take you away from encountering those difficulties directly and fluidly.

I can relate to most of the BPD symptoms .
I’m 42.
I’ve known all my life that something isn’t ‘right’.
for a long time I thought I was depressed , then I learned about BPD around 10 years ago, but recently I’m starting to realise that this is most probably autism and/or adhd .
I agree with pp’s that its not a diagnosis you want. It would be best to look down the neurodivergent route if you feel you need a diagnosis and help.

Sorry for what you are going through OP. I have to echo others - I really don't recommend pursuing this diagnosis. It's unlikely to even lead to appropriate treatment unless you have plenty of money to go private.

I haven't had contact with mental health services for over 10 years. That label still pops up on my notes for other conditions like a mushroom. I went through a year of really brutal cancer treatment and some medical staff were so nasty to me while nice to others around me. I was polite, compliant, didn't matter. I wasn't treated as worthy of empathy or basic humanity even while going through cancer treatment (by some - not all). I was never abusive or even unpleasant to staff even when I was engaged with mental health services.

I don't think I meet any criteria for it now, or none that can't also be explained by a later ADHD diagnosis (which I had a very long,thorough assessment for, unlike BPD.) At the time I was being treated in mental health services I was self-harming so I think that's where the diagnosis came from,but I had never self- harmed until I took a medication called Effexor which made me really impulsive. All self-harm stopped naturally once I was off all anti-depressants. But years later this stigmatising label pops up on my chart in irrelevant contexts and I live in dread of needing healthcare or social care in the future.

I hear your frustration and understand that you are feeling desparate and need help - but tbh the medical centres are doing you a favour by not diagnosing you with BPD. I wish I could give you more help with what you can do next. Maybe other posters have more ideas - I'm not in UK so not sure what's available. I hope things get better for you x

Same here.. I'm absolutely convinced I have it too. I'm not as much bothered about getting a formal diagnosis as getting the right medication/treatment. It's very hard when it's almost impossible to advocate for yourself. I feel so insignificant at times.