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Original poster

I am just in a really dark place right now.

54 replies

BlackHole · 23/05/2008 20:36

I am a regular MNer who has name-changed because I am ashamed. I have lots of things going for me: a wonderful DH, 3 gorgeous DCs, a nice home, friends ....... but I am just so completely unhappy; and feeling anxious all the time.

I am worn out. My DCs are all really young and I just feel like I never have any fun. Life is just one huge long battle with stroppy little people, housework, feeling guilty, ruining my relationship with DH and just generally slogging away.

I feel like a crap mummy. I love my children, but I seem to spend most of my time shouting at them. They wind me up so much. They never seem to listen to a word I say and seem wild and unruly compared to friends children. When they are good they are sweet and kind and wonderful; but most of the time I just can't help loosing my temper. I have rage issues and I am so worried I am going to hurt one of them. Sometimes I feel like smacking them and never stopping. It is dreadful. I can't believe I feel like this about 3 little people who I love more than life itself.

I could go on, but I just need to tell "someone" what a dark place I am in right now.

Stop the world, I want to get off .....

OP posts:
josben · 23/05/2008 21:19

Blackhole, I really sympathise with you - I too have 3 young DC's and its bloody hard work - once they are all in bed I let out a sigh of relief that I got through another day!! But seriously , i too sometimes feel like we are just existing and thats not good ...

But hitting your kids not right, its just a horrible loss of control, I agree with the other posters that you should go back to the doctors and demand to get some help - (maybe counselling?)

Is there anyway that you could get a break by sending your DC's to a playgroup a couple of times a week, just so you can get a bit of time for you to get a break.

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:22

No money.

I don't hit them a lot.

Oh gosh, I really have set myself up as some sort demented nuutter Unintentional.

OP posts:
IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 23/05/2008 21:23

Nobody hates you BlackHole. Sometimes when we ask for help on MN we get advice we don't like. It comes with the territory. But I can assure you everyone posting here wants to help you

I think having counselling in the past is not something which is helping you now IYSWIM. I think you need help relevant to the difficulties you are experiencing currently. I think you really, really should show someone this thread.

DumbledoresGirl · 23/05/2008 21:24

Oh gosh I have been where you are. I completely relate to everything you have said. I am mostly through it and out the other side now, but I do remember the frustrations you felt so well.

Would it totally give the game away if you said how old your children were?

TotalChaos · 23/05/2008 21:24

if you are that averse to ADs, at the description mad tablets, you could look at doing a Positive Parenting Webster Stratton course? This seems to be frequently put on by surestart centres.

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:24

Yes it would DG; but you do know me anyway.

My DCs are all under 5.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 23/05/2008 21:25

Please do not dismiss antidepressants as 'mad tabs' - depression is an illness, nothing to be ashamed of. If you had a broken leg, you would get it sorted, right ? Please, give them a chance.

Now, it's the BH weekend, so let's have think about getting you out and about... time out for yourself, away from the children. Could Dh have children, or have you family nearby to take the children whilst you have a long walk/go window shopping/lie down in a dark room ?

You really ought to speak to DH too, he is probably worried sick about you.

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:26

Didn't mean to offend by calling them "mad tabs", just a silly nickname my BF & I give them. Course sounds interesting, will look into it.

OP posts:
IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 23/05/2008 21:27

BH, I doubt you'll offend anyone. Loads of us have taken mad tabs at some point and have found them helpful. It doesn't mean you're a loony. It just means you've got a chemical imbalance in your brain making you feel abnormally crap and you're taking a pill to balance it out better. Job done.

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:28

I have spoken to DH. Countless times. He knows how i feel; but he feels powerless so he is sympathetic for a little while and then just "goes back to normal". We have family nearby, but they are less then useless with the DCs DH makes such a fuss when I ask him to help that i can't be bothered. He makes me feel guilty and farts around for ages and never just offers to help.

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 23/05/2008 21:29

But is she depressed as such? I might not be the best person to give advice because I wouldn't take tablets either. I tend to approach problems like this from the "how can I get out of this situation" perspective. I do appreciate that ADs can help people find the strength or resolve to get out of their situation though.

BlackHole, I am now frantically wondering who I know here with 3 kids - I can't think of anyone! I asked about ages because what worked in the end for me was getting the kids out of my hair for periods of time. Playgroup was a start, school was much better, I had a childminder for one child just because I was so desperate. It was only for 3 hours a week but those 3 hours when I could please myself and do what I wanted without the children around were a lifesaver for me.

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:30

Bingo to your 1st paragraph DG

Will email you to put you put of your misery

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 23/05/2008 21:31

[email protected]

BoysAreLikeDogs · 23/05/2008 21:32

Why not ask him to do this tomorrow, get out there, fresh air, 'thinking time', you time.
After all, they are his children too, and it's really not fair that he doesn't do his share.

You really are in a bad way, I am so sorry.

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:33

I don't need it, already in my address book

OP posts:
IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast · 23/05/2008 21:33

OK, maybe it's more helpful to break down you problems into those you can actually change/sort out and those you can't. Or work out which things bother you most and deal with them. because right now to me you just sound overwhelmed.

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:34

He is a good dad and he does do lots of stuf. It is probably a stupid "guilt" thing on my part. I probably more time to myself than a lot of other mums out there, I've just forgotten how to relaz and swtch off.

OP posts:
josben · 23/05/2008 21:34

Sometimes just getting out of the house helps - last weekend we took a picnic and a football/bat etc to a nearby park with a play area - and actually had a lovely day. Getting away from the stress of being couped up in our house - which needs loads of things doing to it which just winds me up and stresses DH out! was a really positive thing - + the DC's could run about and let off steam.

I know thats not the answer for you, but it really did make a nice day for all of us away from the usual routine chores etc.

snice · 23/05/2008 21:34

I would really recommend you read this book

It has helped me a lot with similar issues with my children in particular trying to identify the flashpoints and find a better way of dealing with them. We all find aspects of looking after children really boring and sometimes we snap and shout and don't do a great job of it but the least we can do for them is try and do better next time.

Sorry I don't have anything more helpful to say but do try and get the book from your local library if you can.

By the way, I wouldn't be bothered to be friends with someone out of pity - I'm sure your friends are just that - friends. Your problem is your lack of self esteem which is making you angry and frustrated with the children. The lack of money is hard-believe me I know- but however much of a cliche it might be a sudden lottery win wouldn't suddenly give you back that self esteem nor make you all into a lovely happy family.

Best of luck

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:35

I am over-whelmed.

OP posts:
Janni · 23/05/2008 21:35

Blackhole - being a full-time mother to three under-fives, with no external role/recognition and little support is probably one of the hardest things there is in life. It is relentless and it is unrecognised. You have to give of yourself constantly and what you give does not get replenished. No wonder you don't feel like having sex. You probably just want to crawl under the duvet and be left alone.

Do you feel compelled to be a full-time mother? It does sound like it's putting an incredible strain on you and that you would be a better, happier, calmer mum if you had a life outside the home.

Could you really focus some energy on that? Childcare and some form of job that allows you to interact with other adults.

I think the sex thing would work itself out more easily if you were not a full-time mum, provided you were not also landed with all the household chores as well as a job outside the home.

I also second what others have said about talking to a sympathetic GP or counsellor.

winegumss · 23/05/2008 21:37

When your eldest starts school you may feel you get some more time to yourself and that might help you.
All mums get angry and loose tempers esp if they have 3 under 4/3 which it seems like you hve. that is really really hard and take all of your time and energy and can be totally demoralising. this made worse by and un understanding husband. hang in there. can you get any family or friends to take the children so that you can have some me time and just be able to breathe without some one moaning or crying at you. the pressure just builds and if you can get away for a few hours you feel relieved and miss them and what to be back.

Navigator · 23/05/2008 21:37

I know the feeling but always think it is just me. I have a great hard working husband maybe too hard working but it is all for me and the children, a good job and fab friends but most of the time I am unhappy, tired and fed up.

I feel too that I am always getting onto the children, I think it is just part of being a mum, remember you don't see other mums behind closed doors.

I am sure you are a great mum, but you will need to try and get some 'me' time it will do you the world of good, but make sure you do it regualry or you will just go back to the same old feelings.

Original poster
BlackHole · 23/05/2008 21:41

No I don't feel compelled to be a full-time mother. I don't know what I am doing here tbh. What happened!!?

Anyway, I am exhasted and I aam bowing out now. You have all been very kind. Thank you.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 23/05/2008 21:42

Take care