Marriage vows in sickness and in health, dont know if i can live like this

[Doiwantthis8262]

My husband has been very poorly for nearly 4 years now. We have been together a very long time.
He's always been very anti social and withdrawn but was ok with me . He has done well with his career and we've raised a family. I did most of the raising as he has been very detached a lot of the time. Resentment started to build and I was just about to file for divorce (Had been to a solicitor) when he suffered a complete psychotic breakdown and went into severe depression out of nowhere.
Since then we have been through the most terrible time.
Had many professionals involved and invading our family, I've had to look after him and our children, he's lost his career, and spent nearly 2 years in bed. Many medication changes and horrible side effects to them.
Our life now is very different. He is ok but only as long as everything around him is ok and he is in his little bubble at home. He spends his whole life at home and goes to Tesco once a week to get our shopping.
Every day we get up and i dont know what version of him I am going to get. Sometimes he is happy to the point of manic. He also overspends.
Other times he's fatigued and quiet and sits watching TV for weeks on end.
Its exhausting and unpredictable and I hate that our children see all this.
Currently he has decided to come off his antipsychotics as side effects too bad and they dont really work (they brought him out of severe psychosis but he still hears things all the time)
Now he's retreating into himself again and says he has no energy. He's sat watching TV for a whole week. I'm letting him rest and leaving him he but I can't believe this is our life now. This is not the life I chose and i dont want it. He has never done anything dangerous or violent but I am fearful all the time. And he isn't open about it so I don't truly know what's going on in his head.
I feel so stuck and don't know what to do. It feels like a life sentence and I have lost my husband

You should be able to leave

It sounds like you have lost your husband, at least for now. I can see that this is not his fault but neither is it yours. What are you doing to look after yourself? What is your long term plan? As cruel as it may seem I am not sure I'd want to be my DHs carer for the rest of his life - particularly when his personality has changed so much. I stuck with my exH through years of depression and anxiety and not working. Meds on, meds off, low points, even lower points. Eventually I divorced him and struck out alone when he started to get angry all the time as well. We are 6 years later now and he has not changed and is barely coping, is still very depressed and I still get called on to help him when his anxiety is bad but my DD and I are finally happier again and I have moved on with a new guy.

I feel incredibly guilty but I don't feel I should have sacrificed my own happiness for the rest of my life for someone else. My being there didn't make his life happy but his being there sure made mine utterly miserable.

Also I meant to add, I have also developed ptsd (diagnosed) after everything we've been through. My stress levels were huge and my health severely affected i lost half my hair and turned grey (before 40)
My way of dealing with things is to be on my own. Because of him being at home 24/7 I feel smothered and can never be alone.
Its got to the point where I am lying about where I am just so I can get some space.
For example I work part time but I work less hours than he thinks. When I finish work I dont go straight home, I spend s couple of hours in my car , reading, eating, browsing the Internet before I feel strong enough to head home.
I have one day off a week and have to get out. My parents are out a lot so I go and sit in their empty house so I can be alone.
I feel like all of this is getting absolutely ridiculous, this isn't how a married couple should live.
To add we are no longer intimate and have separate bedrooms aswell

So sorry for what you're going through. Though I know it's not technically his fault, I also don't think it's fair on you to have to live this way. Do you want to leave? Broke my heart a little bit when you said you go and sit in your parents empty house just to be alone. This is not a life. I really think you need to consider whether going it alone would be better for you. Your mental health is just as important as his and it sounds like he's only concerned about himself

You don’t have to and you shouldn’t live the rest of your life like this. You’ve given so much. It’s ok to call it quits x

I wouldn't manage financially on my own with the two kids to support. It scares me so I just stay and hope things will improve but this constant forwards backwards just drags you down.

@Doiwantthis8262 I don’t know how old your kids are but you need to consider the effect living like this is having on them too. I’m married and would want to care for DH if anything happened to him but if he had a personality change and I was actually scared of him then to me that is verging on abusive. Not his fault but you’ll get no medals for being permanently on edge in your own home and this is your life too. It sounds as though DH would be happier outside the family home too. Sometimes you just can’t fix things.

I think you should leave for the kids as well as you.

It's an awful situation but put yourself and them before him.

They are teenagers so go out alot now. That leaves just me and him alone together.
When he's OK its fine, but when when he's OK its not like the real him if you know what i mean?
Its either medication induced behaviour or mental illness induced behaviour.

This could be forever, OP, there is likely no "recovery" as such from this. This is no way to live for you and your children. You don't have to sacrifice a worthy and fulfilling life of your own to nurse him through this. Bluntly, he's no longer the man you married.

Does he still work? How does he contribute financially? Surely you would be financially better off without him?

I really feel for you, OP, it’s an incredibly tough situation to be in. I’m sure you know this, but if he has stopped taking his antipsychotics then he’s likely to become very unwell very quickly. Have you been able to let his mental health team know?

You can’t live like this OP and it’s not fair on your children . Your DH is very unwell and it’s no-one’s fault but you have a life to lead to and you all deserve happiness .

Are you financially tied to the house? If not you could just leave with the kids, divorce him, and contact social services to ensure he doesn’t get unsu

*unsupervised access to the kids.

I understand a little of the torment you are experiencing, my DH is mentally unwell and unpredictable.

Have you looked at universal credit calculator if you were to leave and rent?

Is there someone medical that you could confide in? If you were not there who would care for him?

This sounds so difficult op.

my best friend has just left a similar situation. She ended up having to for her own sanity, and that of her dc. 8 months down the line and my god what a difference, her and her dc are like different people. Her house is happy, that are happy and the children are so much more settled. Their father still sees them but for only a few hours a week, she helps him with his doctors appointments, but has boundaries in place to ensure she doesn’t get sucked back in again. It was very tough for her to leave, but it’s the best thing she could have done for herself and her children. She was the one that left the home, she finally bought her own house and he’s still living in the rented accommodation they lived in, as he refused to move out

Can you go to your parents with the kids? Just for a short while as you get things sorted. He sounds like he needs to be hospitalised so they can get him stable. The situation can’t go on. You’ll end up unwell yourself at this point.

I can't advice on you as a couple but a friend passed through something similar. A psychotic breakdown as part of Bipolar Disorder,at first he was like your husband, not speaking, withdrawn, not wanting to socialise. Once the Psychiatrist found the right treatment (same meds but different doses can do wonders), his life turned around . His wife could now explain some past behaviour, not violent, just odd.

He's like a normal person now, able to work full time, socialise,have a beautiful family. They do avoid some triggers though.

Your husband sounds like he's bipolar, several mental health illnesses have similar symptoms so it's hard even for the psychiatrists to correctly diagnose them on their first episode. He was diagnosed with a different thing at first.

I'd push for him to get a different treatment, not because of your marriage but so he could be a better father to your children.

Hi OP In in the same position and also feel awful about it. My DH also had a breakdown last year. He has always had issues with his mental health and has always been a ' glass half empty ' person. We also have teens and are at this stage like strangers in the same house. He is working on a zero hours contract, training to do something related to his hobby which I thought hed enjoy ( his idea though) but even now is miserable about it and doesn't want to do it. He has tried working but because he can't seem to show any initiative or get up and go he's not succeeded. I feel like I've worked hard and want to spend my time helping my DCs ( also teenagers) with studies etc. I feel like leaving too. Financially ill be fine as I'm paying all the bills now anyway and if I asked my work if I could go full time, they'd bite my hand off. We don't get that much universal credit and I was thinking of just saying if he really can't work we'd be better off separated because at least he'd get UC if he can't work and Id feel better. I know exactly what ypu mean about being alone. I am a loner too and sometimesthing marriage wasnt for me ( even though Ive done it for 20 years!). But I feel guilty because he's ill and I don't relish telling my or his family that I'm leaving. His dad had a psychotic episode and his mum stuck it out, but I feel that was to DH's detriment. I won't put him above my children like she did but feel she will expect me to, and we have a good relationship. I want to do this but I don't feel brave enough. Sorry I know that's unhelpful but your post resonated with me.

You are also entitled to have a life and I think you should leave him. You’ve done more than your bit so start putting yourself first

I'm bipolar and I've lost so many friends and acquaintances, almost lost my partner at one point. I don't blame any of them for not staying. It's a hard life both to be the one ill and to be the carer.

If it had been a happy relationship pre illness and not 4 years down the line I might say stay and hope you find the right combination of meds and you get your husband back but you weren't happy before, you were looking for divorce and you aren't happy now. It takes two to have a relationship even when one is unwell. This is less about leaving him because he's unwell and more about leaving him because the relationship isn't working.
If you could click your fingers and go back to the weeks and months before he got unwell what advice would you be giving yourself?